Larger age gaps

[Snowonthebeachx]

I'm sure this has been done before but we are struggling to conceive a second child. Realistically it will be a 3 year plus age gap maybe more. I know that's not huge in the grand scheme of things.

But it feels like everyone around us is having a small gap of two years or under and extolling the benefits of it. How close the children are, how nice it is they play together etc. Which I'm sure there are I just want to hear some nice things about larger gaps!

Also I know what other people do is nothing to do with us, run your own race etc. But I'm a bit on an overthinker!

I was under the impression 3-4years was more common now due to childcare costs!

I would only class large gaps as 5, maybe 7 years plus.

Can't think of anything worse than two little ones at the same time. I'd be run ragged. Also if they are really close in age you'd probably be looking at 2 x childcare costs for a while at least.

There's 9 years between mine which is probably not the norm and I know they won't 'grow up' together as such but its a lot easier having one who is pretty independent.

Pros and cons on either side - like you said, focus on your own journey not what other people are doing. There are many different dynamics in families, it doesn't always have to be the average 2.4 children scenario.

Since when was a 3 year age gap a big gap? Same as the poster above I thought a big age gap was around 5/6 years. My sister and I have a 9 year gap and we’re extremely close🤷‍♀️

I forgot to add that my own kids have a 11 month age gap and I personally would have preferred a much bigger gap.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side! Take your time and do what’s right for your family. 3-5 year age gap is nothing imo

Oh I know its not! Just obviously you pick up on what is around you and most people I know are having a small one. I don't know whether its an age thing (less time to space out) as I live in an area where people seem to have children later. I'm mid thirties so don't have forever.

It fine. It’s much more normal where we live to have 5+ year gaps. School doesn’t start until 6 years, and it’s a lot more hands on imo. Ie I couldn’t use pram in 70% areas due to hills/ steps so put Ds in sling a lot. I wouldn’t have physically been able to easily get around with 2 under 2 for example.
Ds is 3 and only child still. If we have another it will at least a 5 year gap I imagine.

There's nearly 5 years between mine. They are adults now, and really good friends. We worked really hard at building their relationship when they were younger because I think it's easier for them to grow up entirely separately when there's such a big gap.

@Caspianberg that's really interesting.

I feel like around here its have one child, one year mat leave, child in nursery, back at work for a year and then second child. Often the first child stays in nursery for that second mat leave as I guess people can afford it (we couldn't I don't think)!

Not critising this at all but it's nice to hear about other models!

@Snowonthebeachx - it will all depend on various lifestyle and preferences also for families. We are ‘expats’. The thought of travelling back and forth alone often with more than 1 child that needs carrying off plane asleep, or in nappies or other ‘baby/ toddler stuff’ would just be too
Much logistics for me. I took Ds swimming yesterday in lake (he’s 3), there’s no way I could safely take two non swimmers in alone and do that.
With first child crappy sleeper, I hope to have a few years to recover sleep loss before even thinking about repeating. Selfishly maybe, but Ds I breastfed almost 2 years. I like the idea of having a proper break for my body and me.

Mine are 23 months apart. Both in nappies. Everyone around me is having 3 years gaps or more so I’m alone with a toddler and newborn. Yes there are benefits, tbh it’s focussing on 3-4 years from now when they’ll play together that’s getting me through (I know it’s not all roses). DC1 is in nursery but only because grandparents offered to fund it. I don’t have a double buggy, can’t justify the expense. So I carry DC2 everywhere. I’m shattered.

We have a three year gap, and it’s worked wonderfully. Plenty of the kids’ peers have the same gap, or larger. You make the best of the gap you have, and in any case being close in age is absolutely no guarantee of anything - my sibling and I are 18 months apart and we speak perhaps once a year, for no other reason than we have NOTHING in common, absolutely nothing.

Lol, isn't 3 yrs completely normal?

3 years isn't a large gap it's completely normal ime, I have.nearly 5 between mine I think that's borderline large gap .

4 years between mine and it works well. I got to be on maternity leave as my dd was starting reception so it was good. Now they're older (dc1 is a teenager) they get on great - they do their own thing but have some common interests. They get along better than many that I've seen with smaller age gaps as they don't seem to have sibling rivalry.

Anything under 5yrs imo isn’t large- I personally think have your kids as close together as you physically and financially can. Anything after 5yrs is a logistical nightmare and like raising 2 only children.

It’s much easier if they are closer in age as they play together better. Our gap just over 2 years was perfect I had years of them playing nicely and now as teens they get on.

7 year age gap between mine due to various unplanned reasons (always wanted 2 but life got in way). They largely get on and my eldest is really good with his sister. Yes it's a different relationship to if they were close in age but still works. He does get a bit fed up with getting dragged to soft plays but old enough now to leave at home for short periods. Only drag is youngest starting primary just after eldest left so long primary school stretch, two lots of new uniform etc

I'd strongly disagree with logistical nightmare and like raising two only kids BTW. Not my experience at all

im referencing like bedtimes and wake ups- if I’m getting hammered on one side of that coin I want a rest on the other. My experience my nieces and nephews went off soft play and playgrounds around 9-12yrs old- my toddler can’t do clip and climb, won’t sit in a cinema.
Toys; things they equally play with and you don’t have to worry about the youngest swallowing etc.

This is my 3. 4 years then 5 years gap. They get on well, bicker but very rarely fall out and they all have the same humour and as ds3 is getting older, this is becoming more apparent.
Ds1 and Ds2 love films and Ds2 and Ds3 love football. There was a bit of a gulf between ds1 and ds3 but that is changing and they're actually the 2 who are most alike in a lot of ways.

We have two with an age gap of 3 yrs and 4 months. It took us 4 months to conceive so that was roughly the gap we planned. We had wanted a shorter gap but felt like we had to wait that long due to financial and career reasons. There are many pros and cons to all gaps really.

We are thinking of starting TTC DC3 in a few months time potentially. Again wed probably have felt ready to do so now but with DC1 starting reception this year and the fact that I get severely ill for months during pregnancy it doesn't feel like a good time to plan that so we will wait until she's been settled into reception for a few months first. That would give us a minimum gap between the next 2 of say 2yrs 10 months but obviously much likely longer allowing for months of ttc.

Benefits of the gap between our two: DC1 had the 30hrs childcare when I was starting my mat leave with DC2, DC1 was toileting independently (well, except for wiping after a poop!), DC1 could play card games, activity books, and things like that which we could do to entertain them whilst I was breastfeeding the baby, we didn't need a double pram (used a buggy board where necessary), DC1 was pretty independent in the sense that they could play alone a bit, be left watching telly whilst I did housework when DC2 was asleep, they could talk well and eat themselves etc, get in and out the car without needing lifting, they didn't really need carrying at all anymore, they could even help a little at home for example passing me things, helping to sort their own laundry out, they had the attention span to sit through a full short children's film if they were unwell or we were having a bad day, they could play with their friends in soft play without needing me to go in it...and so on. Also was at nursery 2 days a week on mat leave so had those two days alone with DC2. And will have more alone time with DC2 soon when DC1 is off to school in September, on my non-working days.

Thanks to everyone who has replied!
Obviously not saying 3 years is a large age gap just wanted different people's experiences.

There's a 8 year age gap between me and my middle sibling and 15 year age gap between me and my youngest sibling, a bit too big of an age gap 😅