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Original poster

Help me find the way/words to deal with my mum on our family holiday with an emotional 4 year old

14 replies

Ikeepontrying · 12/08/2023 22:11

My 73 year old mum is coming on our family holiday for the first time ever which I'm really pleased about but also really anxious.

My 4 year old gets very overwhelmed on holiday and I've told her about this but I know her style of parenting is very different to mine and she will shame him and make him feel Embarrassed by his meltdowns. She's said before when he's had a meltdown that people are looking and stop showing off etc.
also another big worry is how critical she is of other people. Fat shaming or criticising what people wear. I've told her every time that it's not acceptable to speak like that and we don't comment on appearances etc but I know she will still do it.

I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal with it when she says something inappropriate with out ruining our holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 12/08/2023 22:28

For my little boys sake!

OP posts:
Mossstitch · 12/08/2023 22:43

For your little boy's sake ..........don't take her!!🙏

She may have ' a different style of parenting' but she is not his parent and is showing complete disrespect for you by not leaving you to parent your child.

mathanxiety · 13/08/2023 01:24

The behaviour of your mum is just a type of being overwhelmed really, or being completely gauche and not knowing how to behave herself.

If you really, really must bring her, how about asking her to stop embarrassing herself when she starts making remarks about fat people or shaming your child?

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4 year olds Behaviour & development Families
TammyJones · 13/08/2023 12:39

Why would you ever put yourselves through this ?
Do. Not. Take. Her.

TheShellBeach · 13/08/2023 12:41

Whose idea was it for your mother to go on holiday with you?

Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 13/08/2023 22:19

Oh god 🫣
She is nice she is just very opinionated and doesn't know how to parent in the best way I guess.

My dad has cancer so can't go on holiday for various reasons so I decided it would be nice for my mum to come with us. I don't feel the slightest bit excited though.

OP posts:
Mischance · 13/08/2023 22:30

I do not know why you are taking her on holiday with you if she is unable to stop herself taking over your role disciplining your child, and in ways that are not appropriate.

You need to make it clear that if your child does something wrong and it needs attention it will be you or your OH who does this and that she is not to take on that role. State very clearly that you do not wish her to get involved in any way if a problem arises.

I am a grandmother, and widowed. I have done lots of child care, but if the parents are around I absolutely take a back seat when it comes to discipline and let them decide how to handle it. When I have them on my own, situations do arise where I have to deal with problems but I always try and follow what I know their parents would want; and I always quietly explain to the parents what has happened and how I dealt with it so they can put me right if needs me and be able to deal with any comeback from the child.

I do sometimes go on holiday with family now that I am on my own, but I always stay right out of any problems that arise with the children. You need to instruct your mother that this is what she must do.

Acornsoup · 13/08/2023 22:54

Cancel the holiday - what an unnecessary nightmare.

Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 13/08/2023 23:05

@Mischance ❤️ you sound like the most loveliest of grandmothers.

OP posts:
Mischance · 13/08/2023 23:06

I am trying!! 😀

HellonHeels · 13/08/2023 23:12

Ikeepontrying · 13/08/2023 22:19

Oh god 🫣
She is nice she is just very opinionated and doesn't know how to parent in the best way I guess.

My dad has cancer so can't go on holiday for various reasons so I decided it would be nice for my mum to come with us. I don't feel the slightest bit excited though.

She's not nice! At all. Stop kidding yourself and face the facts: your mother is unkind, rude, judgmental, shames her little grandson when he gets overwhelmed. What is actually nice about her?

It must have been hell to grow up with her as your mother.

As an act of support and love for your precious child, cancel this holiday.

Hoppinggreen · 13/08/2023 23:14

She doesn’t sound nice at all, I wouldn’t be inflicting her on my child for any length of time. It’s his holiday too

HalloumiLuvver · 13/08/2023 23:25

and she will shame him

Don't let your son be the victim of emotional abuse. He will remember it.

she's very nice

No she's not, if she likes shaming people including her own grandchild.

Either don't take her, or stand up to her. Make it VERY clear this behaviour won't be tolerated. Before you go and regular reminders on the trip.

You need to advocate for your child as he can't. He's your priority now.

Cynderella · 13/08/2023 23:36

I know what you mean - my mother was similar. I think you have to pick your battles - ignore the inappropriate comments and focus on dealing with your son. Tell her you know she doesn't agree with the way you deal with him, but you want him to have a nice holiday and you want to be consistent, so please let me do it my way. Walk away when you see anything brewing.

My mother died when my kids were teenagers, and they only have fond memories of her.

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