Advice for getting my ASD / ADHD child to listen to me telling him to stop!

[ThereIsNoBritishSummerTime]

I'll start by saying I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. My 12yr old son's behaviour severely points to him also having ADHD and most likely ASD as well, but for reasons I won't bother getting into on this post I am unable to get him assessed for either.

My main issues are that no matter how many times I ask him to do something or to stop doing something it just doesn't sink in.

Examples are making repetitive sounds like beatboxing, "brahhhaaat tat tat" sounds, singing the same song lyrics over and over, thumping his hands / feet, fiddling with things that create noise or distraction while we're all watching a film (he often can't sit still for long). He constantly pesters his younger sister and does or says things to annoy her specifically just to get a reaction out of her. He has admitted to this and says he thinks it's fun to annoy people. He's intentionally noisy when his sister is trying to go to bed.

When we ask him to stop it's nicely the first few times. But nothing sinks in. He may stop for a minute or two. Then it starts again. It's a constant back and forth of asking him to stop and him starting again a short time later. Even things like asking him to get off the computer or to go up to bed. He just sits there and doing his thing and doesn't listen. It eventually gets to the point where my husband and I begin to get extremely frustrated with him because he doesn't listen. My husband gets angry and yells and puts him down. I get frustrated and completely sensory overloaded and stressed with the noise and then my noise added on top with asking him to stop. It's stressful! *FWIW I also suspect I may have ASD as I'm quite sensitive to his sounds, especially repetitive sounds and get stressed and irritated by them so I often wear earplugs now.

When we either reach breaking point, or enforce a punishment such as taking his phone / computer privileges away he gets upset and insists 'he didn't do anything wrong' or that he didn't know, or no one asked him not to etc. He will go back and forth about this with us for 30-60 mins with us insisting and giving specific examples of when we asked him etc but he keeps whining saying he didn't know.

Another example is when socialise with other parents and their children. My son is a follower and picks up on other children's behaviours. Recently we were with child A (golden child with model behaviour) and child B (my sons best friend who is very similar to him - I do often wonder if this child also has adhd). My child and child B act really silly and make their sounds and talk about poop and farts and ridiculous things, and it's so embarrassing to see the way he behaves. Thing is when my son is around child A (the well behaved one) on his own he models himself after that child and is incredibly kind and polite and well behaved. I spend so much time stressing myself out trying to remain calm while telling my son to stop acting so immaturely and making his sounds around the other parents (particularly that of child A and several others we see less often). It wears me down and leaves me feeling totally drained! It's just so embarrassing!

What can I do? He doesn't listen to me. Nothing sinks in.

And I KNOW his noises are often involuntary and that it's hard for him to control / stop. But is there any find I can do to help make things easier so it's less stress on his sister or our family or others around him - particularly when he claims he's done nothing wrong after we specifically asked him not to do something that was wrong (like not getting off the computer after asking10 times in 30 mins).

I also am very aware of me constantly saying his name to get his attention and asking him to stop. I have my own issues around this from being a 'naughty child' (I now realise this was because of undiagnosed ADHD - and possibly even ASD) where as an adult I dislike people close to me or colleagues using my name to get my attention or address me in most situations because I automatically associate it with something negative because my parents / teachers would have used my name much the same way I am with my son where it was always to get my attention to tell me off. If I hear my name at home it's usually because my husband is angry with me.

So can anyone give me any advise on my situation please? How is best to get my son to listen to me and behave. There are times when I can turn a blind eye to his behaviour, but other times it's just annoying / rude / inappropriate. What do I do? I'm so drained and stressed

Have you tried visuals instead of verbal? You could try a stop sign and various other signs (noise etc) to put on a strip and hand to him. To get off the computer picture of 'computer finished' and a timer for when etc.

Yes, I have tried all of those although not consistently. Perhaps I will try them each again for a week individually to see if consistency will start to work better.

Just feeling very alone in all this right now, and get minimal support from my husband.

Why are you punishing repetitive behaviour? That's literally part of the diagnostic criteria, you can't juts punish him for it because you want to watch a film and expect him to stop.

Because I don't know enough about it and I don't have any support or help for him. While I get that the repetitive sounds are often involuntary and I do try and be mindful of that, surely there must be some form of discipline that I can do to enforce our rules and teach him what is acceptable and not (eg: pestering his sister, annoying people, getting in others personal space, not getting off the computer, not going to bed, etc??)

I could have written some of your post.

With the noises, he’s now asked to leave the room ( not told off) just can you make the noises elsewhere.

and I don’t tell him off as much, I read that often children with adhd like back and forth as it gives them a dopamine hit.

Stop is difficult.

Try replacing with something else. Have a chat when things are calm, where you agree a new strategy for managing those situations.

Have a chart of things he can choose from as an alternative to the irritating behaviour. Maybe he's beatboxing and you need him to be quiet- show him his chart and he chooses something else off it.

What those things are you have to work out with him. Maybe an ice lolly, a fizzy drink, a huge squeezy hug, or a push in the swing seat.

Basically a different soothing/distracting behaviour from the one he usually chooses.

I would push for an assessment so you know what you are dealing with.
You may also find medication very helpful.

Other than that having a clear daily structure can help.
Making sure dc is getting regular sensory stimulation as part of his daily routine.
Has a good amount of physical exercise.
Is getting good sleep.
Eating an excellent diet.

Accepting that dc with ADHD are often a few years behind in their emotional development so don't expect them to be able to behave like their peers all the time.

He may also need more active parenting than other dc, be less able to occupy himself.

The classic things: Get down to eye level with him. Make eye contact. If necessary hold his arms gently. Give a one or two-word instruction in a strong calm voice, preferably a positive not a negative instructions. E.g. 'speak quietly' not 'stop shouting' as the latter has the word 'shout' in it which can encourage shouting.

Rather than, 'Stop pestering your sister, she doesn't like it,' which fills his mind with all the things you don't want him to focus on, say, 'Play in the hall. We are watching TV.' Then ask, 'What did I ask you?' in a friendly manner and get him to repeat it so you know he heard. That means he says the words "Play in the hall' and you can answer. 'Great! Thank you! Have fun.' And open the door to the hall. If you need to, you can ask, 'Why did I ask you to play in the hall?' He might say, "Because I'm annoying my sister', then you can say, 'Clever boy, you're right, she wants to watch TV in peace. Thank you for playing in the hall.' It's a sneaky way of making him think his new good behaviour was all his idea.

Or he might answer, 'I don't know,' and you can say, "Ah! Well, I want you to play in the hall so that you can keep spinning and I can watch TV and we can both do what we want without disturbing each other.' Then get him to repeat it so you know he heard. It's time consuming but ASD/ADHD children really don't always process what we are saying if other stimuli are piling in on them/

It doesn't always work - of course! But I did find it helped. Reducing instructions to one word also really helped ADHD ASD son. 'Shoes!' not 'put your shoes on!' Less boring to repeat, and less stimulating interaction. Just 'Shoes!' until they are on.

Lord, I'd forgotten those days. How patient we had to be.