After years of being a peoplepleasing doormat I decided I needed to work on setting boundaries and allowing myself to say no. But it hasn't been going well and I think it's because nobody respects me or my boundaries or anything I say.
Over the last couple of years of new me trying to state my boundaries I've found that people just ignore me and do what they want anyway and if I try to be firm and say actually no this is not ok with me they just choose to walk out of my life.
I've tried telling myself it's their loss and I'm better off without them but it still hurts.
I'll use smoking as an example as a smoking one happened again today.
I don't smoke. I don't like the smell. I don't want people to smoke in my house or roll cigarettes and leave tobacco everywhere.
My sister came to stay for a few days. I told her you can't smoke in the house you'll have to go outside in the garden if you want to smoke. There was lots of whining, it's cold... it's raining... you can't expect me to go outside in my pyjamas etc. But I was firm and stuck to it. My house my rules if you don't like it you can choose to stay elsewhere. Over the week she wore me down with the complaining. She started off in the garden but then moved to standing in the open doorway. When I complained that the smoke and smell is coming straight in to the kitchen, rather than move outside and shut the door she just said that I was being stupid the door is open the smoke is outside and what was the point in coming to visit if I was just going to make her stand in the garden all week.
That was a couple of years ago, when she next mentioned visiting my city I made excuses to not be able to have her to stay at my place so she hasn't spoken to me since.
Today a family member said he was popping over to do something on the computer. I left him to it and when I went back to bring him a coffee he was rolling a cigarette. I said do you mind not doing that in here you're dropping tobacco everywhere and I just hoovered. He ignored me and carried on. I heard the front door open so went to say goodbye, he said he's not finished yet he's just going out for a smoke. I said I would prefer you not do that while at my house you bring the smoke smell back in with you and I don't like it, please wait till you're finished with the computer and smoke your cigarette when you leave. He again ignored me, went outside to smoke, came back in to finish what he was doing.
I know I had the option of just not letting him come back in but these are just two small examples there's been loads, not just smoking related, lots of different things and I don't have many people left because they all seem to decide that I am not worth the effort and walk away rather than be inconvenienced by my boundaries.
To be honest I have held the door open and let them go because I'm so fed up of being ignored and being disrespected. But I am also sad and wondering if it's me that is the problem. Am I being unreasonable in my requests, am I doing the whole boundaries thing wrong? If you are good at stating your boundaries and people respect what you say can you please tell me how you do it?!