Do you shout at your kids?

[HolyMoleyGuacamole]

Feeling a bit shit as I've realised I've become one of those shouty Mums.

I know its wrong, I don't remember my Mum shouting a lot and I don't know how I've become this really.

My son ( 6 ) never listens. I'm constantly having to repeat my regarding him kicking the football at the window, playing football in doors, putting his shoes on when we are leaving the house and such. Then there's the backchat and he seems to have an answer for everything already.

I'm feeling it more these holidays, and we are only two weeks in.

Does anyone have any strategies on not getting to that shouty level?

I'm really feeling a bit broken today.

I'm a shouty one

Was talking to DS2 (14) about it yesterday. He said I'm far more patient than DH, but I'm a shouter and he generally isn't. DS said he far prefers my way, DH grumbles about stuff for ages

I do shout when I’m repeatedly ignored; I’m not proud of it and wish I didn’t.

I see other children who are easy going and compliant when asked to do the most simple of tasks. My DD is just lazy to her core so just procrastinates over everything, but my son gives me endless back chat, won’t do what is asked and is ridiculously loud at all other times and I think I just break 🤦‍♀️

Not very often, but when I do shout, I really shout! The kid's know they're in big, big trouble if I'm shouting.

I grew up in a shouty, short tempered house so shouting makes me anxious.

Same as @ImthatBoleyngirl - once I get to the point of shouting, everyone really jumps to and knows that they’ve gone too far. I think it’s impossible not to shout sometimes with kids. You can try and reason with them but sometimes they do just need to do what you say or we would never get out of the house.

Maybe if you shout too much it becomes normal and not a deterrent. Just take action

• ball hits window- take ball.
• don't get shoes on - bare foot it is.
• chats back - loses privileges (gaming, TV etc).

No. Your communication isn't working. If you are asking several times, it's not that he didn't hear, it's that he's ignoring because he knows you'll ask again.

Stop what you are doing. Walk to him and get him to stop what he is doing. Get down on his level. Look him in the eye. Give him the information. Ask him to repeat the request so that you know he understands. Wait for him to comply.

If you put this effort in it will be worth it and you'll never resort to shouting again.

Yes

No, I grew up in a very shouty loud house and absolutely hated it so I've worked really hard to not repeat it.

It does help that my daughter has, mostly, been quite an easy child, and I'm married to an incredibly mild tempered and easy going man who levels me when I feel anger brewing. I imagine if I had a little tearaway I might be less composed.

Only when I’m really vexed. It doesn’t happen often but it’s more likely to happen with my 8 Yr old than my 3 year old.
My eldest has started rolling her eyes at me so she no longer has pocket money. That actually works a treat because she likes to buy herself a manga and it’s been two weeks since she last had the money for one. Today she made her bed and then made breakfast for herself and her brother, so she will be getting pocket money today

No - I found it much more effective to go for the really quiet, menacing hiss, type of voice!
Kids soon ignore shouting and just tune it out, but find the softly hissed threat much scarier.
You don’t need it often. If you make clear what is required of them, and what is unacceptable, and your rules are fair and reasonable, they will soon learn to accept them. Mutual respect and affection are an important part of the mix too.

I need to stop the shouting and start backing up the threats I make regarding loosing treats and privileges.

Some days I feel like I'm doing ok at the parenting malarkey, and other days it feels like I'm making a pig's ear out of it.

Yes sometimes but I try to avoid it if I can.

Also, I do think it matters where you are from culturally. I come from a family where it’s blaze up blaze down in seconds, no hidden resentments, no mutterings or grudges. Of course I am committed to not being mega shouty as a mum, but tbh my mum was, my friends mums were, my teachers were and we are all happy, functioning, well-mannered AND incredibly close to these terrible shouty mothers. My DH is from another cliched shouty ‘passionate’ culture and tbh it’s a relief to just be able to vaguely shriek ‘I’m really annoyed about this particular thing because it’s really annoying and stressful and you should have thought about it’ and him be like ‘yeah you’re right, sorry,’ and me ‘okay fine let’s move on’. And we do.

I lived in England for 20 years and through friends and boyfriends realised that this was NOT how things were done, esp southern upper middle classes as far as my experience went. I often felt that me standing up and taking all my clothes off to disco-dance in the sitting room would have been less traumatic/inappropriate than saying ‘let’s all volubly discuss this massive elephant in the room’. This is neither better nor worse I expect just an interesting cultural difference.

When I moved home after two decades I was quite shocked at how blunt and honest people were about how they felt! I had forgotten!

You are doing ok.

Sure there will be shit days but we all have them. Kids aren’t easy.

I would only ever shout to urgently get their attention/ get them to stop if they are about to do something dangerous like if they are running towards a road. I have never shouted out of anger/losing my temper/ to try to incite fear. That's not the mum I want my kids to remember when they are grown up.

Don't get me wrong, I sometimes feel immensely frustrated and like I would love to shout to let off steam, but that's my responsibility to control.

Like I do think that sometimes certain parts of British society would say ‘now darling, I really am getting a little bit annoyed now, you really must stop that.’ Whereas other cultures might by that stage be well into the ‘Why oh why would you DO THAT, just WAIT until I get you home, WHAT will your father/mother SAY, WHAT did I ever do to deserve this, HOW MANY TIMES have I told you, what were you THINKING’ etc etc.

Yea I shout sometimes, mainly when they won't take no for an answer. My dc seem fine though. When they pester me for something, I often now just say, "I've given you my answer. Asking again will not make me change my mind." and then I walk away. Works about 85% of the time. The other thing I say is, "JFC I said NO!!!!!!" and that works the rest of the time!

No. Our children are adults now, but we did not shout. Neither did my parents. Speaking sternly when appropriate, yes. Shouting, no.

Yes

I don't shout. But I am firm and follow through with (reasonable) consequences.
Something like shoes, I would just drop the shoes out of the front door or pick them up and walk out with them. I wouldn't wait for the TV to be turned off, I would turn it off and herd children out of the door whether they are ready or not. But I would have given clear instructions ahead of that what the timeline was.
Alternatively - if it's something they want to do but are dragging their heels over, I'd give one 10 minute warning and if they still weren't ready I would take off my own coat and shoes etc and make myself a drink. They would then have to wait for me to be ready. It wouldn't happen often after that.
I nipped ignoring, dissent and cheek very quickly in the bud. But then again I always speak kindly and respectfully to my children and expect them to be their best selves. Everyone is allowed to have off days and express emotions but I really don't put up with poor behaviour for the sake of it.

No. I grew up in a very shouty house and it was horrible. Although there is a difference between occasionally raising your voice when at the end of your tether, and yelling and screaming over everything. The latter is very damaging.

Ask once then tell. Our local school has moved to short sharp orders, no longer "go into the classroom and sit down without chatting! it is now !Quietly inside, books out" It works !

Not any more. My parents were shouty and it still scares me, so I don't want to do that to my kids. They're going to have a tough life, and an adversarial relationship would leave them at risk when they are teens.

I make sure I have their attention, keep it VERY concise, and always explain why even though they SHOULD already know it.

So "Shoes on, or we'll be too late to get sweets too", "teeth brushed or your teeth will rot and fall out", "dinner, before it goes cold/the cats get it" etc.

I also reduce outright instructions if I can, and am willing to discuss the whys and wherefores, though they may have to hold that thought til later if we're in a hurry. And I'll negotiate if that's reasonable. Basically as I would with an adult I was in charge of.

(Mine are 11&8 with ASD, ADHD and PDA, so awful at listening, demands and remembering)

Rarely, but today has been one of those days. I’ve got both kids with me today (4 month old and 4 year old) and the today has been a shit show from start to finish. DS is going through a regression and is awake every 90 minutes so I’m shattered when I drag myself out of bed in the morning.

DH works from home and I feel under such pressure to get them up and out so he can work in peace. Finally rounded them up and went out to the park. DS hated the sling, he kept either head butting my chest and crying (facing in) or falling asleep facing out so his head would flop about everywhere and I had to hold it up. I barely pay attention to myself these days so didn’t realise I needed a piss and hadn’t eaten or drank anything until 20 minutes after we arrived, by which point coupled with DS whinging and screaming we went home again.

Took aged to settle DS for nap, DD gets a bit jealous of me holding him so deliberately makes noises to wake him up just as I’ve settled him. Eventually got him tired enough to go in the cot, by which time DD was almost napping off on the sofa and I had to wake her otherwise she doesn’t sleep til 10/11pm. Hence her being very cranky and tantrumming.

Then had to wake a screaming DS early from his nap for DH to take him to an appointment. I still haven’t eaten. Finally they get out the front door and I sit down with a crumpet to constant whining from DD for me to play with her. When I don’t she tries to climb the ladder shelves and swings off the door handles (she’s already pulled one off doing this). Dumps her toy box out with pretty much zero intention of playing with anything.

I bribe her into silence by saying if she can play nicely we will go to the park for ice cream when DS gets back. DS gets back and needs feeding, DD then dawdles putting on her shoes and won’t co-operate. I realise at this point the park cafe has closed (3pm) and in my frustration yell at DD who is messing about with the dog lead rather than putting on her shoes like I’ve asked 10000 times. She starts crying, I feel awful, we head to the shop to buy an ice cream to take to the park. DS won’t stop screaming because he’s over tired, I go to buy myself an ice cream as well only to remember I can’t eat is as I’m BF and DS has CMPA.

DD mucks about walking along the busy road next to the pram so I have to steer with one hand and hold hers with the other. Fucking stressful. Eventually get there, park up, DS still screaming as he still hasn’t dropped off. His muslin blows across the park and into a pile of what appears to be shite on the ground. After I get back from chasing it DD is picking at what looks like dried mud on the bench and putting it in her mouth.

Let her play for a bit, on the way home I tell her to stop walking backwards and look where she’s going as she’ll trip and have an accident. She trips and bumps her knee and starts crying to be picked up which I can’t because of pram.

We’ve just got home and honestly I’ve got my sunglasses on indoors because I don’t want her to see my tears.

So yes I shouted today. Sorry I just wanted to write all that down somewhere. Some days are good but so many are just a battle from the moment I get up until I finally pass out at 1am. Only to be woken an hour later.

Ask once then tell. Our local school has moved to short sharp orders, no longer "go into the classroom and sit down without chatting! it is now !Quietly inside, books out" It works!

I am a teacher and I agree with this. I do overhear some parents, and I hate to say it seems the more well-to-do parents rather than the ones who live in the rougher end of town who sound more like they're barking orders at their kids, who are too "wordy" when telling their children not to do something.

You don't have to shout it at them; but being quick and to the point is often more effective.

As I wrote above though, I do end up shouting at my dc if they're doing my head in, pestering me and refusing to listen to me when I say no.