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Original poster

Feeling sad

21 replies

purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 21:52

Just feeling sad about relationship with my mum.
Even when I deliberately don't get into an argument and don't react and say ok it means that, I'm still accused of arguing.
It just makes me so sad. I can never win

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 10/08/2023 22:03

You're right. You can never win.

go low contact and have some counselling. It will save you so much pain

Anonposter123 · 10/08/2023 22:05

Over the years I've come to realise my mum is hard-work and drains me. I've distanced myself but makes me feel incredibly sad when I see people with a great relationship with their mum

Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:11

I think it makes me more sad that my sister doesn't have this.
I don't have the relationship my sister has with my mum
Just feeling so sad

OP posts:
Anonposter123 · 10/08/2023 22:15

Is there anything that's caused you and your sister to have different relationships with your mum?

Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:20

My mum likes her and respects her more.
My mum has a set idea of me which she doesn't deviate from.
I don't feel very loved by my mum.
Maybe I was more difficult than my sister.
But I know my mum isn't the same with me as with my sister. I see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:22

I am going through something really hard and I'm feeling so sad that I don't have a relationship where I can tell her about it and she can help me emotionally like some people you hear of

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:23

She's not there for me anyway in that way. So no point thingy of that.
Just feeling particularly sad today that's all

OP posts:
Anonposter123 · 10/08/2023 22:24

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling sad, if you would like someone to talk to at any time you can always drop me a message.

I hope whatever you are going through turns out ok.

Have you tried talking to your mum about it?

Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:28

I tried in the past. But my stepdad said 'well you must be doing something to make them behave like that'. Insinuating it was our fault when it's been proven it hasn't and everyone knows the other person is awful.
When I texted mum about something else to do with the same thing she just said 'im sorry to hear about that.' like it was nothing.

Thank you for your lovely words x

OP posts:
CustomerServiceSmile · 10/08/2023 22:29

Sorry to hear this. I don't have a perfect relationship with my mum I get the feeling my sibling gets on with my mum better. Over the years I beat myself up about it but now I've decided I can't control it and focus on myself instead. I make sure I'm being looked after -by me. I prioritize some exercise and I dress how I want to and eat healthy food to help me to feel good. If I could afford therapy i would probably go for that too. I tend to read books and write diaries. I sincerely hope you are ok right now. I am crap with advice but I'm a decent listening ear.

Anonposter123 · 10/08/2023 22:34

I've come to realise with my mum that she just doesn't know how to respond when I'm in need of someone to be there for me.

After my 2nd baby I was struggling to cope, I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling and I was told I just have to get on with it.

After trying to tell her that I feel like the family leave me out all the time and I was suffering with a severe breakdown she decided to tell me that they'd all booked a holiday together. Hadn't even thought to invite me. When I got mad about it and said this is an example of what I meant, I was told it was my fault.

Unfortunately, some people dont think about others and the way their actions make people feel.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:42

CustomerServiceSmile · 10/08/2023 22:29

Sorry to hear this. I don't have a perfect relationship with my mum I get the feeling my sibling gets on with my mum better. Over the years I beat myself up about it but now I've decided I can't control it and focus on myself instead. I make sure I'm being looked after -by me. I prioritize some exercise and I dress how I want to and eat healthy food to help me to feel good. If I could afford therapy i would probably go for that too. I tend to read books and write diaries. I sincerely hope you are ok right now. I am crap with advice but I'm a decent listening ear.

Thank you so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 22:43

Anonposter123 · 10/08/2023 22:34

I've come to realise with my mum that she just doesn't know how to respond when I'm in need of someone to be there for me.

After my 2nd baby I was struggling to cope, I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling and I was told I just have to get on with it.

After trying to tell her that I feel like the family leave me out all the time and I was suffering with a severe breakdown she decided to tell me that they'd all booked a holiday together. Hadn't even thought to invite me. When I got mad about it and said this is an example of what I meant, I was told it was my fault.

Unfortunately, some people dont think about others and the way their actions make people feel.

That's so shit 😞

OP posts:
Anonposter123 · 10/08/2023 22:52

Yes, I just have to keep telling myself that's the way it is and she's never going to change.

It's shit, but what else can I do.

Sending hugs and I hope you feel a bit better soon x

Original poster
purpleme12 · 10/08/2023 23:02

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:
EmilyBrontesGhost · 10/08/2023 23:14

It just makes me so sad. I can never win

You will never win OP, that's the reality.

Your mum is not going to change.

All you can do is detach yourself emotionally and stop caring.

Phineyj · 11/08/2023 07:22

Aw OP, I feel like this with my mum sometimes. Things that have helped:

  1. Not expecting her to be there for me in that way. I talk to friends instead or sometimes counsellors. Even one of the counsellors suggested that it was pointless expecting emotional support from my mum or sister, after hearing them described.
  2. Reflecting that my mum has few "emotional literacy" type skills and when I consider her upbringing, I can see why. She has other strengths so I try to focus on those.
  3. Trying to do a better job with my own child. Also making sure my DH does too. Seems mean sometimes that a lot of us have much higher expectations of our mums than our dads on this front.
  4. She does the sending me pictures of lovely things she's done with my sister and not invited me to. I told her to stop! And she did. I think she thought it was a nice thing to do? People are weird.

I hope you can find the support you need.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 11/08/2023 18:57

Thank you.
Just hurt.
Hurt that they always think the worst of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 11/08/2023 19:30

I am trying to do better with my child with it all

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 11/08/2023 20:38

I think ‘positions in the family’ get set early on and some parents don’t shift ( children are the funny one, the clever one, the jealous one)

Somehow she has decided who you are - only you can know what that is. She expects a certain way of behaviour from you ….. so do what’s least expected. Don’t respond as you usually do ( yes, that’s not easy)
When it doesn’t fit the norm it will confuse people
However, you also know that she is not there for you - so don’t expect it. You seem to be doing a great job of recognising this ( and you can still feel sad)
The only thing you can control is you

Best wishes OP - you are fine just as you are, being you

Original poster
purpleme12 · 11/08/2023 22:04

Thank you x

OP posts:
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