Not one commitment but many. Or maybe a single commitment to just function better.
Every night I tell myself that tomorrow I will do better. Not just every night but every hour. And then I don't.
These are the main things I need to work on:
- Work! Work without procrastinating. I'm failing so badly at work and soon I won't be able to hide it anymore.
- Stop binge eating. I have put on so much weight in the past couple of weeks that everything is hurting. Every step hurts. I can't sit for very long without my bum aching and getting stiff. It's absolutely crazy.
There are so many other things but these are the main things. Because I can't work during the day I have to work every night after the kids have gone to bed. I'm so tired and that in turn is affecting my meds. They don't work very well if you are sleep deprived. It's a vicious cycle. I am so stressed and my to do list is just getting longer and longer. I don't know how to force myself to do things. I just at can't. I don't know how the get myself to do things. I know I am so lucky and privileged in many ways and my only problem is my fucked up brain. Me.
What a waste of a life. I can't even do things I enjoy or that mean something to me because I am always having the catch up with work and because I can't even focus on leisure activities or stick with them.