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Original poster

Tired of having guests

25 replies

harriedhost · 09/08/2023 14:08

Just that, really. I'm entirely to blame for this, because I've agreed to it (sort of), but I'm tired now.

Husband and I live in a small 2-bed flat in London. Cousin from far flung country asked if he could stay (once, in June) for four days.

He was back in London after travelling Europe and asked if he could stay again for two nights end July, then upon arriving for the two nights announced he'd be back again next week for four nights (where we are now) and Saturday before he flies home. It's quite intense in the sense I WFH and he keeps doing washing, won't get up until 11 and has very long showers, and hasn't had any real plan for the past 3 days so has been around a lot. He said he'd take us to dinner so we went, and then only paid for half of it (was a very cheap restaurant, no alcohol or anything, and I fully get he wants to not spend the earth but he had just spent four days partying in Spain). I don't mind paying for myself of course, and I also don't mind hosting in general, but he made a thing of treating us to say thank you for staying... and then didn't. And he requires so much help - help with the tube, with booking train tickets, everything.

Also earlier this summer my mum came to stay for a week, which was quite intense, and we've recently had FIL (one night) and friend (one night). And my DH is off work at the moment and quite emotionally intense / needy.

Not sure what I want really, as cousin is heading off soon. I'm just incredibly tired and want my own space back.

OP posts:
Azaeleasinbloom · 09/08/2023 14:12

I think next time cousin or someone you are not that close too, asks, you just say no, sorry it’s not going to work.
Don’t give a reason. Obviously make sure DH is on the same page. It’s nice to be nice, but you are allowed to look after yourself first.
Hopefully you’ll get a rest when he finally leaves.

Original poster
harriedhost · 09/08/2023 14:16

With the cousin I'd have normally been more firm but it was a delicate one as my grandparents apparently went on for months about how nice it was he was coming to visit me, and he had never ever asked to stay.

I forced him to ask to stay (in May) by acting nonplussed and saying "oh whereabouts are you staying?" (he does have friends here), and agreed to the initial few days. When he first arrived he actually had to stay in a hotel for a night because I was away and it was such a palaver, he complained about the cost, my grandmother made a big deal of it. So it's less stressful to say yes, probably, and just wait it out until he goes back.

But now he's talking about coming back next year so I will have to put my foot down.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 09/08/2023 14:36

I highly recommend you practice lots of variations of saying the same thing. Say them out loud at random moments - while cooking, having a shower, applying makeup. Importantly, omit the word "sorry" from any of these variations. For example:

"We won't be able to host you this time. I'm sure one of your friends will be happy to put you up." (try not to accidentally transpose this into "put up with you")

"That's not going to work for us. We simply don't have the space."

"We're not having overnight guests any more. Have you tried looking on booking.com?"

"We've banned overnight guests as we were starting to feel like a freeloaders hotel, ha ha ha."

"I'd rather hack my own toes off than have you come and stay with us again."

... do of course have fun making up your own variations.

Original poster
harriedhost · 09/08/2023 14:39

Thanks @AmandaHoldensLips, I think I will have to! I have a huge family and they all seem to think it's such a nice thing I own property (which I'm very lucky for but it's the size of a postage stamp)

OP posts:
mainbrochus · 09/08/2023 14:42

Just turn your spare room into a office / exercise room and say you work from home now.
in fact do that anyway !

and say no.

Original poster
harriedhost · 09/08/2023 14:48

the spare room is already an office @mainbrochus, my guests are staying on a very luxurious air mattress

OP posts:
HerAvatar · 09/08/2023 16:02

harriedhost · 09/08/2023 14:48

the spare room is already an office @mainbrochus, my guests are staying on a very luxurious air mattress

It would be a shame if it burst and you simply can't afford to replace it/have filled the space it used to occupy Hmm

FuckertyFuckFuckfuckery · 09/08/2023 16:03

I'd have to called him out in a jokey way about not paying for your meal and never have him stay again

Original poster
harriedhost · 09/08/2023 16:19

HerAvatar · 09/08/2023 16:02

It would be a shame if it burst and you simply can't afford to replace it/have filled the space it used to occupy Hmm

Show quote history

I'm surprised it's lasted this long!

OP posts:
Original poster
harriedhost · 09/08/2023 16:23

FuckertyFuckFuckfuckery · 09/08/2023 16:03

I'd have to called him out in a jokey way about not paying for your meal and never have him stay again

Yeah I should've. I didn't want to make too big of a deal of it, but given his share came to about £40 and he was offering to pay £50 I was genuinely surprised. He has stayed with us for two weeks all in, eaten our food, been catered for... and we got £10 towards a restaurant meal and some PT advice for my partner.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 09/08/2023 16:41

You really should have said something about the meal.

You can at least start from now to be a lot less helpful. When he asks how to book a train ticket or directions or something that he could easily do with google, start being a bit abstracted or vague or say that you're busy and could he ask later if he hasn't figured it out by then.

If it's really going to cause aggravation if you don't let him stay in future, I'd say very clearly to him that you can host for 2-3 nights max going forward.

washingsomuchwashing · 09/08/2023 20:44

I had too many guests the eariy part of this year and I'm not having anyone to stay ever again (close family excluded). I'm literally getting rid of the spare room. I've absolutely had enough of it.

ladeluge · 09/08/2023 20:57

I did it for a long time, but no more. I'm older and more tired, and just cannot do the hosting thing anymore. I don't stay with anyone either so I am not being a hypocrite.

I just say "I'm not in a position to put you up, nothing to do with you personally but it is not easy for me, and I'm getting too old to entertain anymore!" or some variation of that. Hotel down the road does the job now, and I have paid for (nice) close relatives to stay there.

Funny that others either don't bother coming to my town, or will go elsewhere instead now. Result for me. I live in a place many like to visit, and am near an airport and major train connections, so it is a swizz sometimes to get free accommodation and meals. Once bitten....

Original poster
harriedhost · 09/08/2023 22:41

washingsomuchwashing · 09/08/2023 20:44

I had too many guests the eariy part of this year and I'm not having anyone to stay ever again (close family excluded). I'm literally getting rid of the spare room. I've absolutely had enough of it.

This is pretty much how I feel… I suppose I’ll just have to persuade my husband now’s the time to TTC so we need it for a “nursery”. Failing that, it can be the cat’s bedroom

OP posts:
jackieb123 · 10/08/2023 09:35

You don't need to give a reason. To the cousin, next time just say, something along the lines of "I'm really sorry- we won't be able to accommodate you this time. Maybe you could have a look on Airb&b, to find something suitable?" When they reply to say say they've looked and can't find anything, don't give in, just say "Maybe widen your search area, or look at some different dates? I'm so sorry, but we can't help this time." His travelling/accommodation isn't your problem! If the grandmother says anything, say something like "Yes, it is a pity, but we just can't accommodate him again". I bet they'll read between the lines.

Mum is a bit tricker as (presumably) you do want to see her. How about swapping her to a long weekend next time? Eg, Fri pm - Mon am, or Thurs pm-Tues am? Still gives her a decent stay, but feels less like a long slog.

dottiedodah · 10/08/2023 09:37

There is an old saying "After 3 days ,"Both Fish and house guests seem to smell! I would say 2/3 days is the max .Just say jauntily that you cant really do any more than that. Dont elaborate .As you say he didnt ask you his DGP suggested it!

AffIt · 10/08/2023 09:58

I now have an unspoken rule of not having family members under 30 to stay - don't get me wrong, my younger cousins etc are lovely and I genuinely enjoy seeing them and spending time with them, but at this stage in their lives, most are still living at home / in shared houses and just don't really 'get' living with two childfree adults in their 40s: not very good at hanging up towels, a bit lax with washing up, still believe in the toilet roll fairy etc.

Like you, our house isn't huge and the only room I have available to put guests up in is my office, which has a sofa bed in it. I work remotely and tend to be at my desk for 8am, so having guests through the week is a no-no, anyway.

I'll do it at an absolute push, but not for fun. Maybe I'll soften my approach if / when we move to a bigger place, but for now it's a polite, 'I'm sorry, we can't manage that' if asked.

Noodles1234 · 10/08/2023 14:28

I know sometimes you try and be nice then it all gets a bit much.

Just say you didn’t realise how difficult it was when people stay, so might be an idea he stays with his friends moving forward.

I have come to realise not to offer anything anymore as I usually get stung.

grandparents sounds nice, but free loaders not so much.

i hope your husband is ok.

Original poster
harriedhost · 10/08/2023 17:36

Husband is fine, thanks @Noodles1234. But I know he will be as glad as me (if not gladder) when we are free this weekend! I'll have to take him out for a treat.

OP posts:
Original poster
harriedhost · 10/08/2023 17:36

Glad I'm not the only one who finds it challenging, despite the best of intentions!

OP posts:
Sennelier1 · 11/08/2023 10:03

I know how this goes and gets a life of its own. My parents owned a sea-side property when I was young. It was a big house (we were a large family with 7 siblings), but everybody they knew all of a sudden needed sea-air. I remember in summer not one sigle day ánd night without guests, often also week-ends even in winter. It was mostly my mother's family, a bunch of real poachers. They always came unannounced, my mother then send me (oldest girl) out to do foodshop and do the cooking, making beds etc. I hated it. My dad hated it too, he had bought the property to have some rest, read books, lounge, go for walks. Mother was like your grandma, passive-agressive forcing you in the situation. For your own sanity, say no. Not only to your cousin but to every person wanting a free bed&table.

GreatGardenstuff · 12/08/2023 14:33

Tell them you’re getting a lodger soon to help cover bills, so no further requests can be accommodated. Might make him think on about taking your hospitality for granted!

Zoda8 · 13/08/2023 12:01

This is a great question because it is so hard to find a way to be as diplomatic as possible without caving in to something which is becoming a bit of a piss take. I would worry that ‘just tell him to get lost’ might create a bad atmosphere with the grandparents. That’s probably going to happen anyway, but the question is how can you minimise the friction.

I wonder if an option might be ‘sorry I’m not hosting at the moment as I’m a bit stressed with work right now’. It’s kind of true as your need to work from home is a factor you mention, and work nearly always creates some level of stress. Also if you then wanted to host a more appreciative guest you could say ‘not so stressed at the moment’. It also wouldn’t be no forever - you could welcome your cousin on a specific occasion convenient to you if you wanted to keep everyone sweet - you could even offer an alternative weekend.

Original poster
harriedhost · 13/08/2023 15:23

@Zoda8 yes that’s exactly it! My husband keeps saying I need to set the boundary and I do but it’s tricky with grandparents. Anyway he is gone now, so we have done a huge deep clean and are having a quiet few guest-free days

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 10/09/2023 15:39

Gosh op you do need to prioritise your own well being over the wants of dgp and visitor.
Say no.

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