I think I just need some opinions on whether this is considered extreme behaviour? My DD is my first born child and from the very beginning it’s been a real challenge. She was a very clingy baby and cried every car journey, every time she was put in the pram, every time another person held her that wasn’t me, just essentially very very intense as a baby and I could not ever get a break. I have a son now who is four weeks old and he is a much more calm baby in comparison.
I love my daughter, she is full of charisma and has a huge personality and always makes us laugh. My concern is that she does show some rather extreme behaviours in our opinion (her dad and I) so I will list them below and would really appreciate some advice from people who have children with similar traits and how you handle it?
Examples are:
Screaming at the top of her lungs, flailing around on the floor and having long lasting, very vocal meltdowns when we have to leave somewhere she is enjoying such as a play date or soft play
If I say no to something she will 80% of the time begin to do the same thing, telling me I’m mean and horrible and that she hates me
She repeatedly punches/scratches/hits herself in the face when she’s in these meltdowns
She is very physically aggressive towards me and her dad, more so dad. She bites him, spits in his face and will scratch him if he picks her up and tries to remove her from a situation. For example, if we have asked her calmly to put her shoes on because it’s time to go and she refuses to leave and starts screaming and throwing things, her dad will pick her up and remove her which does escalate things but it’s a last resort
Yesterday her cousin came over for a play date and when it was time for him to go she had a meltdown and pulled down on her curtains in her bedroom, ripping the curtain pole off the wall
I have tried for four years to get her to sleep independently, nothing works. She is still in my bed all night every night and won’t even try starting off in hers. She suffers periods of very intense night terrors
It’s very very challenging indeed. She can be so kind and loving and funny but these meltdowns really upset me and I hate seeing her so activated emotionally and I’m wondering if it’s my fault.
In terms of our parenting approach, we usually discipline by leaving a situation if she’s misbehaving or being aggressive or we will remove a toy from her until she can demonstrate kinder behaviour. We try and focus on positive reinforcement and spend lots of time outdoors to work off her energy. In the throws of the meltdowns we explain that we love her and when she is calm we will talk. Once calmed down we explain that she’s a good kid but we cannot accept hitting or other such behaviours and then consequences follow.
On rare occasions I have shouted which I’m not proud of but I try every other avenue first of all and will shout after days of challenging behaviour so it’s very infrequent. She has never witnessed violence and so I am unsure where her aggression stems from.
I phoned our health visitor to ask their advice and they essentially told me it was because she needs more attention. My whole DAY is planned around her and occupying her. I get on the floor and role play with her every day, take her out, sing and dance with her to keep her engaged, read to her, paint and draw with her but we have at least one of these aggressive meltdowns per day. Yesterday we had at least 5.
I just need some tips on how best to approach this behaviour and whether this is just standard for a four year old? My friends children do not behave like this but my partner says they probably do and I just don’t see it. I struggle to believe that.