How can you get parents to accept help?

[frumpalertt]

My parents are in their 70s. Mum has dementia. Dad is handling everything but clearly struggling. However, he won't accept help with cleaning and gardening, which is clearly needed.

My health isn't great and I am having major surgery soon with a 2 month recovery. Hitherto, I've been using all my annual leave to do heavy lifting (literally and metaphorically) for him, but I will not be able to do anything for 2 months after the op. I live several hundred miles away for work reasons that are hard to change.

I know this is a common situation. I am genuinely worried about my Dad working himself into an early grave. I also know that it is common in these circumstances for an event to happen that suddenly means that everything collapses because there is no resilience in the system.

We are fortunate to have resources as a family that enable us easily to afford gardening and cleaning help a few hours a week. However, dad tends to treat this as a kind of signal of failure and mum (who has always been a total control freak) may go a bit mad with people in the house.

I would love to hear any advice you all have about how to handle this and what kinds of arguments and persuasions worked in your case. I am incredibly stressed with it all.

Basically, you can't. You protect your own health by telling them that for three months you will not be able to do ANYTHING for them, and then after that you decide on what level of help you are realistically able to sustain for another 20 years and stick to that. Then you wait for the inevitable crisis and have to stick to your guns and say they have a choice of going into care or accepting they need help at home.
It is terrible, heartbreaking, and people will try and make you feel guilty, but in my unfortunately long experience, it really is what happens. On the brighter side, making my parents (in the same position, but my son was a baby when mum was diagnosed) accept cleaner, gardener, carers, handyman coming in meant they stayed at home together until dad died at which point mums dementia was very advanced.

Have they had a social care assessment and an OT assessment done ? I found the latter very helpful in getting some clarity on elderly ils mobility issues.
In my area, you can go online and request one, on behalf of the patient if the patient has cognitive impairment. Alternatively, you could contact their GP practice and ask them to arrange if for you mum.
The point was that the third party coming in, could say things like ‘ I see you have a big garden, do you have help with that ? Or likewise the housework.
It was accepted from the professional, rather than the concerned daughter-in-law, and also got the purse strings loosened a bit, as there had never been any idea that they were the sort to spend money on ‘help’

For FiL (and his DM), then more recently a family friend - both had been spending significant amounts of time caring for, and helping, their parents. The parents accepted help when their children supporting them were not available for some time- FiL had a knee replacement, family friends went on a long foreign holiday. In both cases, the help brought in then became permanent.

My mother absolutely refuses to see a doctor, so there is no official diagnosis and no help. She becomes incredibly distressed at the prospect. She has always been what would euphemistically be described as A Strong Character and my Dad just cannot take her on, even now that her condition is so obvious (she cannot read any more and is forgetting lots of nouns). Believe me, I have tried and tried to get a doctor's visit lined up. I have even rung their surgery, who are singularly unhelpful. I am resigned at this point to just trying to put systems in place that can offer some help to my Dad. I am so unwell and so utterly exhausted right now.

Posted too soon.

It feels as if your upcoming surgery and recovery is the opportunity to break your parents' reliance on you @frumpalertt. If you physically can't help, then you can't help. If they need the help you can sell it as temporary/bit of a treat for them/just a wee hand to keep on top of things....

A lot of what you say in your opening post is what you need to say to your Dad. He may not want to hear it.
You need to step back for your own sake - your operation is the perfect time to draw the line. Offer to facilitate the support they need rather than giving it yourself. It's much much better for your Mum to stay at home for as long as possible, the best way to achieve that is for your Dad to outsource stuff like gardening and cleaning so he can support your Mum without running himself ragged.

Thanks. He just keeps insisting he can manage when he can't. And he will keep trying until his health fails, he is that stubborn. I am going to sit down with him this morning and remind him of how frustrated he was when my gran needed help and wouldn't accept it. I'm hoping he might see the parallel! Wish me luck guys.

Have you told him you're worried about him potentially working himself into an early grave? Because if that's something you think is a realistic concern, it's conceivable he'll go before your DM.

it sounds very frustrating OP, and I do wish you best of luck with your dad today.
As others have said, you do need to focus on your own health right now.

I understand frustration with GP as well, MIL refused to do testing for cognitive decline unless MIL requested it. She was hardly going to do that.

• sorry, meant MIL’s GP refused to test…

Come over and join us in the cockroach cafe on the elderly parents board @frumpalertt

You will find useful information combined with solid support from people who are there with you in the trenches!

This sounds incredibly difficult. I’m in a similar situation. I get a bit of solace from reminding
myself that I’m not alone, that a lot of us are dealing with ageing and difficult parents, but it really really sucks. There’s some good advice already posted. I’d just add to take it bit by bit, one day at a time, and stress that you are doing your best and that really is good enough. Also, sounds trite, but look after yourself. Hope you manage to find a little peace.