He is only interested in the baby

[Biscuitscoffers]

Before I start I just want to say that yes any good parent should focus on their baby, but this has gone a bit deeper than just trying to be a good dad.

My partner and I had our first baby together this summer. I have an 8 year old from my previous relationship that ended 7 years ago.

DP has wanted to be a dad for many years, he’s been fantastic for the entire journey, nothing like my ex. He is a very hands on dad and I feel well supported with general parenting.

The issue that has come to my attention is that he really is only interested in the baby, to the extent that neither I nor my DD are relevant anymore. He used to spend time with her as a step dad (his label), going to the park etc. Now he acts as if she doesn’t exist and talks about having one child. I have called him up on it and he makes an effort for a while before doing it again. He also has no interest in our relationship. He forgot our anniversary last month and said it was baby excitement that caused it… he hasn’t wanted sex with me since we conceived the baby, we had an opportunity for a date night but he wanted to stay home with the baby, and I now essentially feel like his friend/ co parent partner.

It’s all very divided now as I’m not sure if it’s excitement causing this or if he may be secretly struggling, but he was never like this prior to the baby. I spoke to my mum about it and told her I feel like I was his surrogate to provide him with a much wanted baby, without us becoming a real family through it. She said I should be happy he is involved. I then told him I didn’t feel he was committed to us and only sticks around for the baby, which he denied. Now I feel like I’m being dramatic or assuming something that isn’t there. My instinct is telling me that he no longer loves me and just wants to keep up the facade to be with the baby and not sharing contact time. He makes decisions that he expects me to agree with, such as when his parents visit the baby or places he wants to go, no prior talking beforehand. I feel like a spare part in my own life just going along with it so he can be a dad while I provide milk.

Im not sure how to handle this, if I’m maybe the problem or if I need to sit him down and find out why he can’t consider all of us as a unit. Even that I should perhaps consider leaving him. But I know contact time will be very difficult as he will want at least 50/50 and his family will make my life hell.

I feel like a deer in headlights, thinking I have been very foolish and now I’ll be the one left hurt while reassuring my DD she is loved and still special so she doesn’t notice how much he has changed. Can anyone share advice that doesn’t automatically spell LTB and can help me understand what is causing this first?

He’s just had his first child a few weeks ago. I say give him and his family some time to celebrate before you write him off. You and your DD should spend some special 1-2-1 time (while he has the baby). I think you need to demonstrate how you want your DD to be treated and her place in the family. Give your DD opportunities to spend time with the baby. Give her special responsibilities. Do things together as a family without your mum and his family.

As PP said above ,give him a chance! He has just become a new dad and is rightly excited and happy. Often Dads on here are just not interested .I think also some days out together and he will realise that you and DD are important as well.I dont think you are anywhere near LTB territory yet! I think you need to say shall we do this /that or whatever . Dont be passive .It just takes time thats all.

So the baby is about two months old at the most? I'd cut him slack regarding not investing in the relationship with you as the baby is still quite young and both of you might be tired, stressed or sleep deprived.

However, regarding your older child he really needs to do better. If she feels pushed out now it might not be possible to fix that later. No matter how excited he is about the baby He absolutely needs to make sure he doesn't neglect your older daughter or treats her too differently to what he did before.

It's possible you could be experiencing PND. Please get an appointment to discuss your feelings, as it sounds like a huge change from how you felt pre birth. It is different having your own baby but that doesn't mean you can't love stepchildren just as much. Why not ask him to take both out for a few hours ask him to let your DD join in and have some little jobs with baby. You do sound very insecure and maybe the pregnancy, birth and baby are contributing to your overwhelm. The transition you have made from only biological parent at home to mother of new baby, feeling like you need to protect your DD from being usurped. He sounds like a good guy but if he really isn't you need to get support.