Has anyone been abandoned by a parent in early childhood?

[2x2x2]

Hi, I wonder if anyone can enlighten me on what’s normal, because I’m struggling to know.

My dad was a hands-on and loving dad. He lived with me and my mum, cared for me at night when she worked, my first words were ‘dada’. He was excited when she was pregnant about having a baby.

When I was 20 months he left. He tried for a couple of months having me for one night a week but that stopped because I cried too much for my mum. We saw him in a public place a few weeks later and he blanked us, but my mum said the strangest thing was that I also blanked him (at age 2 - a man I very much knew as ‘daddy’). He got married to someone else within months and moved to a different country. My mum had to chase for child support payments and we never heard from him. My mum was advised not to talk about him. I grew up knowing he was my dad but not on the scene. He wrote a letter when I was about 5 and then got in touch when I was an adult also. Always light-hearted chit chat. He has another family who he presumably was ‘dad’ to.

I know logically there was nothing wrong with me to deserve a dad who left. But I spent my childhood with friends of split parents and telling myself it’s normal. Now I look back and see that they all saw their dads - their dads lived nearby, took them for Sunday lunch, sent pocket money, had Christmases together etc. I don’t know anyone where the dad actually abandoned without a backward glance.

I struggle in relationships. I have a very low opinion of men. I was promiscuous at a young age. I fear being alone in the house. I can be controlling in my relationships, very anxious, test people to leave me, always mentally preparing to be left. I feel extremely anxious if I know someone close to me isn’t happy with me. I can’t cope with rejection at all.

I’ve spent years thinking I’m just a shit and needy person. People close to me have said the fact my dad left would have a psychological impact. I’ve spent years telling myself I don’t care about him or what he did - he was just a sperm donor and two year olds don’t know about abandonment.

Sorry for this self-indulgence. But if anyone else has a similar experience, have you had issues that you think are related to this? Is it possible a two year old does feel a psychological impact from this?

Oh my darling, of course a 2 year old can feel the physiological impact of abandonment. It's an enormous trauma. Huge. Look at some of the research done on adoptive and looked after children - I know you had your mum and so weren't separated from both parents, but the wound is very similar.

How do I know? Well, I could have written your post.

I have done a lot of work on myself and have got to a place where I'm at peace with what my dad did (he died, so that helped, no jokes!) but of course that theme of 'I'm totally unlovable' has completely haunted my life.

Grief counselling after my mum died helped a huge amount - I didn't go to talk about my father but it came up a lot as part of the process. Bereavement has been horrendous for me because it dredges up all those feelings of being left. But I'm quietly working through. Is counselling an option for you?

I'm just remembering something that helped massively actually - when DS was born, my father heard about it on the grapevine (he'd come back to live in his hometown which was close to DMum's, FFS) and he got in touch through a cousin he knew to basically say 'I need to have contact with that child, he's my grandchild'.

That was enough to make me find my inner rage - he didn't give a shit about me so he didn't get my son, and there was no way I was exposing my precious boy to any of his shitty behaviour. That mama bear rage really, really helped me turn the emotion outward to him, where it belonged, instead of inward to me.

I haven't seen my dad since I was 2 either. No child support, no letters. It's like he erased me and my sister from his memory. I think it's the reason I ended up in a marriage with a controlling abuser 22yrs older than me. I divorced him, but I think I've been left as a mixture of anxious and avoidant in my current relationship of 10yrs, even though he is my age.

Of course this is huge OP, those early years are key. I am wishing you very well and just wanting to 100% validate that this is both a major issue for any child experiencing it and that your responses are completely natural, plus that it will take work to get past it. Doesn’t mean your mum didn’t do her utmost to be everything for you either. It is a fundamental trauma to your developing emotional life and your feelings are entirely valid.

I wasn't quite as young as you but I haven't seen my dad since I was 12. And when I did see him before that there was no idyllic Sunday lunches and picnics. It was sporadic and he was often on a comedown from his drug abuse.

Unfortunately my DS's dad is also useless and has no contact with DS either.

It's affected me in the opposite way to you. I have an extremely low opinion of men and I fully expect the worst of them so I never let myself love or trust anyone because I know they'll let me down. I feel like I'm better off on my own, so I don't have proper relationships any more, just casual ones.

I'm honestly genuinely happy with my life though. I'd rather live this way than allow myself to be hurt by a man, I've seen that happen twice to my own mother (married twice and they both cheated on her).

Have you had any counselling?

Ah I feel you OP, and I’m sorry you went through all that. My Dad also left when I was 2, I knew he had other children he was involved with (but not married or in a relationship with their Mum either) and I grew up wondering what was wrong with me for him to not want me.

I was also promiscuous from a young age; lost my virginity at 14, by 16 I was pregnant and had slept with multiple boys. I also had issues with drinking, drugs and smoking from 16. Thankfully those sorted themselves out within a couple of years and I focused on my education, but like you I still struggle in relationships, I don’t ever let myself fall totally in love and I feel like I hold everyone at a distance so it’ll hurt less if/when they leave. Had a couple abusive DV relationships too.

I agree with PP that it’s easier now he’s dead (as awful as that sounds!) because there isn’t the constant reminder that he only lives 20 minutes down the road but doesn’t care enough.

I did do some counselling a few years ago that helped some, perhaps you could look into that?

The first 1000 days are the key attachment period for a child, OP. You have experienced an Adverse Childhood Experience at a critical time in your development.

https://www.healthscotland.scot/population-groups/children/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces/overview-of-aces

I'm nearly 60 and my dad left when I was 1 (actually don't think he was very much there before that - always off having affairs then coming back to beat my mum up). He was very absent through my childhood - no child support, no birthday cards, he visited about once every couple of years but talked to my mum rather than me. At primary school I told the other kids my dad was Paul McCartney - I genuinely thought he was!

His sister lived round the corner, and I was at school with my cousins. They knew him better than me because he went there every Sunday for his lunch.

When we did see him, he was usually dropping off my half brother, who had the misfortune to have two deadbeat parents who were constantly abandoning him. Such a sweet boy, so horrendously neglected and emotionally abused. He is now a very damaged adult.

I spent many years declaring I was lucky, that life with no dad was far better than life with a violent alcoholic. Which was true. But I still get a pang when I see great fathers in action. I would have liked a bit of that!

I will never understand how so many men take so little interest in their children. I created an unconventional family myself (I'm gay) but made sure my kids have an involved father. He is completely committed and reliable, and I'm so glad my children have been able to have that. Me, my mum and my gran were all raised without a father, and it was good to break the cycle.

Mine left (for OW) when my mum was 6 months pregnant with me and my DB was 2yo. He kept seeing DB for a few months but never asked to see me when I was born and contact tailed off completely when the divorce went through, apparently he never even turned up to the custody hearing so it was awarded 100% to my mum.

He sent the minimum amount of CS and had zero contact with either of us from that point, I've never even seen a photo (he was rarely spoken of and referred to as 'him' if DM or DGP's mentioned him at all) and I wouldn't know him if I walked past him in the street. I'm not sure who was more fucked up by him leaving, me who he never met and never wanted to, or my DB who did have a relationship of sorts with him for the first couple of years.

I recognise a lot of the things you mention OP and DB's self esteem was definitely affected growing up although I'm not sure about now as we aren't close and haven't discussed it as adults. But yes, I would say it had a huge psychological effect on both of us, a parent leaving and not maintaining contact is massive and, looking back, was also extremely badly handled by the rest of my family. We weren't allowed to mention him or ask any questions at all and the not knowing has been torture at times. I've considered trying to find him many times but bitterness always wins out and I think 'why should I bother when he never did?' although I know I will wonder about him til the day I die.

I still feel the effects at 48yo, still wonder when I'm feeling low what was wrong with me that he didn't even try to stay in touch, even though I know that's ridiculous as he never knew me as a person at all. As a parent now myself I can't fathom how he could just walk away like that and it will always hurt me that he did. I'm in therapy now for other reasons but I know it will come up and will probably be just as painful as it always was. I'm not sure it's something you ever fully 'get over' but am hoping I can finally make some sort of peace with it, even if it's taken nearly 50 years!

I was taken away from my birth mother when I was 18months old due to her alcoholism. I lived with my Dad and step mother. I hated my Dad and left home at 18. I managed to support myself through uni and yes it did damage me.
What helped was visiting my natural mother at 25 when she was diagnosed with cancer. She died 4 months later. There was no connection and she spent all that time blaming everyone else for her losing me. I made my peace and she died thinking I loved her. She never once told me she loved me.
It simply made me realise some people should not ever have kids.
I am fiercely Independant which I see as a valuable life skill and I taught myself to love and respect myself.

I also don't dwell too much on the past because I see it as giving them the power to continue to fuck up my life. Sometimes you just have to realise you cannot re write the past. It does take enormous emotional strength.

Thank you everyone for these replies. And I’m sorry that you’ve all experienced the hurt and loss of an absent parent. It helps so much to read about other people.

I don’t know why I struggle so much believing it. It seems easier and less shameful to think I’m a deficient human. If I let myself believe it was him it’s like I have to acknowledge the shame I feel that he left me. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

My mum and DH have been nudging me towards therapy for a while now. I feel so reluctant to go because a. I don’t feel ready to admit it’s a valid thing (as above) and b. I worry that if it is a real thing then therapy will break down all the defence mechanisms I’ve put in place. And I truly truly believe I need those defence mechanisms. I so deeply believe that men aren’t to be trusted so I can’t imagine working on dismantling that belief and building trust. I’m not sure if that makes sense to any of you who have had some therapy and worked on some of those emotions.

Hey 👋, me too!

My Dad walked out or left or was asked to leave (whatever, it makes no difference) when I was a baby and that was that. No presents, cards, the occasional letter once every few years, I stopped replying when I was grown up.

I was on a date last year with a guy who, when he split with his wife, moved about five hours drive away. He couldn’t really explain why, and all I could think about was ‘you’re a shit dad then, aren’t you?’

My feeling is have kids or don’t, but if you have them you’d better do the very very best you possibly can.

Interesting what you say about your inner rage @LaviniasBigBloomers as I indulge myself in a little daydream occasionally where I am summoned to my GPs surgery for an appointment. They then explain that my father is seriously ill. They need to give me a blood test to see if I can donate an unspecified body part or blood or whatever. I then say I need to think about it and I’ll ring when I’m ready to do the test. I then never contact the surgery again and they’re all waiting and he gets more ill and I’m just carrying on with my life as normal. I don’t feel any rage, I just feel like a slightly bored child poking at a nest to see what happens.

Your last paragraph about the defence mechanisms is exactly why a lot of people won't go to therapy. I've not seen someone explain it so clearly and concisely before therapy though. You've got a really good understanding of that.
Like everyone else had said, parental abandonment will have an impact unfortunately. Any good therapist will go at your pace as fast or as slow as you want. Initially things may feel more difficult because you're focusing on difficult issues that you've buried or distracted yourself from for a long time, and bringing those out into the light can be pretty difficult. BUT that doesn't mean its a bad thing. It can feel like a bad thing at the time but is actually part of the healing.
Entirely up to you if you go to therapy or not. If you do, don't be afraid to "try out" different therapists. Some will connect better with you than others. My last therapist used a Gestalt approach which were new to me but actually worked really well. We also used art in session which I found very soothing (when I say art, it was mainly me scribbling on bits of paper, definitely no masterpieces!)
Whatever you do, good luck with your journey. I'm sorry your dad walked away.

Abandoned by mum at 2 , still
not sure why . Young with mental health issues I imagine. still working up to therapy but like you I’ve got quite good at my defence mechanisms and I’m knows for my independence as a strength. They don’t realise it’s masking serious trauma and lack of trust in the world. Will we ever work on ourselves enough to feel true comfort in life .

bleh it’s hard . But you are on the journey . No advice just solidarity in your feelings . Valid and helpful to say out loud

I too was abandoned by my mother one month before my third birthday. It's taken me a lifetime to deal with it. Not all the time, but it's certainly taken up a lot of time and therapy, too.

I encourage anyone who was abandoned by a parent and thinks that therapy could help to take that step forward. Find the best therapist you can, and don't be afraid to leave and start with a new therapist if you don't feel comfortable. Journalling can help, too. For me, it was a key part in developing self-compassion.

I'm now working on developing a website for people to share their stories and what's worked for them. It will be written by those who have felt the deep pain of abaondonment, and not therapists. (And it won't be a substitute for therapy, but a place for storytelling and sharing what you've done to move forward and grow). If you're interested in learning more and when the site goes live, please PM me. Thanks, and I wish everyone support and care on their journey.

I don’t know why I struggle so much believing it. It seems easier and less shameful to think I’m a deficient human. If I let myself believe it was him it’s like I have to acknowledge the shame I feel that he left me. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

It does. Also, it gives you control. If you're deficient, you're in control, even though it's not nice. If he's done something to you, that puts you in the victim position and the control is with him.

This can be helpful regarding what you later say about defence mechanisms. They give you control too. You have developed sophisticated and efficient ways of dealing with extreme pain caused by being abandoned at an age you couldn't really verbalise it. Your system is set up for survival and it's done a great job! Seems this survival system may be getting in the way of life a bit more than necessary now though, so you could do with some help developing a new system.

Remember in therapy that you choose to go there. You choose to open up or not. You choose what you want to do or not. You can also choose to tell a therapist that you are extremely scared and need to feel control. You can't (and a good therapist wouldn't) try to unlock all your defence mechanisms at once. You don't need to lose control in therapy.

You can also choose to find a superficial fix, more like a plaster. It doesn't last as long, but it would avoid doing the really scary stuff (but you'd have to remember it was temporary, so when it wears off, that's not a sign the therapy didn't work!).

So don't rule therapy out. Your need to be in control of this will not be ripped down in one fell swoop. It will be challenging at times. It should provide some good outcomes.

Yes it would very likely have an effect. My DS1 had a similar experience with his dad, he didn't see him for a few months around the age of two and then when he finally did want to meet up he initially reacted like he was a stranger, because we were there to see each other I stood there holding him for a few minutes and it seemed to dawn on him oh right, this is daddy. He then leant into his arms and gave him the biggest cuddle.

Unfortunately my ex then never bothered to see him ever again. About 6 months later DS happened to be at his grandmother's house who he did continue to see, my ex came to pick up some stuff and said hi to DS. My XMIL confided in me that after ex left, DS said "Will we see that man again?" He had no idea who he was. It really upset my XMIL. He could have walked past him in the street and not recognised him.

He's a teenager now and I've no idea if it's affected him, he does struggle with anxiety, but that could be totally unrelated. I don't really want to start him off on a spiral of angst by asking.

Have you read anything about attachment? There is a good book called the power of showing up which explains a lot although it's for parents, I found it very interesting. It was a lot more in depth than my A Level Psychology, but easy to access and understand.

I was abandoned by my dad when I was 4 and my sister was a baby. Similar to above, I'm not sure who has been more affected by it over the years, me or her.

Unlike many of the above though, once he left (to his OW and her kids) there was never any contact at all and nothing at all in child support ever. It's like he (and his whole family, for whom I was the eldest grandchild) just wiped us from his memory. The worst part is that he continued to live in the same town and I expect I may have walked past him without knowing who he is.

I just cannot fathom how anyone could do it and I do carry a lot of anger about it. My self esteem has always been in tatters with the belief there must be something wrong with me and I'm fundamentally unlovable. I always had a lot of shame about the situation and used to make up lies about my dad rather than admit he just didn't love me.

Since having children myself, I find his actions even more despicable and have managed to find a little peace around the whole thing. I've stopped blaming myself as I can now see, from my own children, that no four year old could be blamed.

I'm so sorry to hear that others have experienced similar, it really is so shit and has long lasting impacts throughout our lives. Sending love to everyone affected by this.

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I was a bit older than you OP, my dad left when I was 13. Actually by then he’d inflicted so much emotional, psychological and physical harm to me, my mum and my brothers that when my mum finally threw him out I told him I never wanted to see him again. And I haven’t. I’m nearly 50 now. He’s never tried to get in touch with me and had sporadic contact with my brothers until they too stopped bothering with him.

Everything you’ve said rings true with me too. I feel angry with the world for landing me with such a shitty father. I feel bitter and resentful when I see my friends having lovely close relationships with their dads. I feel I’ve been cheated. That said, I married a man who came from a loving, stable family with a brilliant dad and that’s the dad my DH is to our children. So at least the cycle has been broken and I have faith that there are some good men in the world.

I’ve never had counselling for it - too scared of opening up the past, as you say - but my DB is having treatment now and it’s very tough but seems to be getting him to a much better place.

Sorry, not really got any good advice, but you are far from alone x

I think all abandoned kids feel it, my parents split and father disappeared. Mum struggled, so off into care I went, then she remarried got me back, then left again. Leaving me behind.
I'm a grown adult now but it still sucks.