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Original poster

Advice on DC needed. On holiday

19 replies

runwithme · 06/08/2023 04:54

Currently on holiday with DH, DS1 (15) and DS2 (11). This morning DS2 couldn't get something working and was frustrated. When he gets frustrated, he snaps at us, gets angry with us, and we just cannot talk to him. He rants and raves and tells us to shut up. So, after this happened this morning, DH gave him an electric ban for 24 hours. DS2 didn't let up and he continued, so DH increased it to 48 hours.
He's still going on, saying its unfair, it's obvious that we have a favourite child (DS1 is no angel and gets punished, but he doesn't rant at us).
We are stuck together, there's no escape, and I can't get DS2 to stop ranting. He's in danger of a further ban, I don't want this but DH doesn't want him to get away with calling us dumb, etc.
How do I get round this, and keep everyone happy? I'm just sat here, listening to him getting upset, I can hear DH biting his tongue. We are walking on eggshells.

OP posts:

RaizeHell · 06/08/2023 04:58

What does ranting mean? He is upset and trying to express his frustration, can you help him talk through his upset? I don't see how any more punishment is going to help in your situation? Can you ignore him?

(Not suggestion you're doing anything wrong - just offering a different perspective).

Is the holiday fun?

Clymene · 06/08/2023 05:01

Doesn't really sound like the punishment has resulted in better behaviour so I'd say it's rather backfired.

Original poster

runwithme · 06/08/2023 05:05

Clymene · 06/08/2023 05:01

Doesn't really sound like the punishment has resulted in better behaviour so I'd say it's rather backfired.

What do you suggest then?

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Original poster

runwithme · 06/08/2023 05:07

RaizeHell · 06/08/2023 04:58

(Not suggestion you're doing anything wrong - just offering a different perspective).

Is the holiday fun?

Tried ignoring him but then we get "oh great, so you're ignoring me now. Well that's just wonderful." He is ranting because he's frustrated that something isn't working, and it's beyond our control. Sometimes in that situation he understands but other times he is being totally unreasonable. He just flips.

Holiday is a lot of fun, especially where we are at the minute. It's relaxing, wifi works a treat, and they are loving the pool

OP posts:

Clymene · 06/08/2023 05:09

Leaving him to it? Telling him to go to his room until he's calmed down?

Punishing a child for being upset which is what your husband is doing is not going to make them less upset. Surely you can see that?

Have you talked to him about how he manages his emotions when he's calm? Tried to work with him to strategise ways of dealing with his frustration in a better way?

Summerslimtime · 06/08/2023 05:14

The punishment is too harsh. If he's out of his familiar setting and having late nights etc I'd get him being frustrated and I'd send him to his room. I definitely would not tolerate being told to shut up and would have had that conversation by now and would have it again later. On holiday my ds would really need his tablet time to unwind from everything going on.

InterferingOutsider · 06/08/2023 05:24

Send him back to bed. If he's too tired to behave...
I'm with your DH, I would not accept my 11 year old ranting and raving and telling me to shut up. Mine would also be on a ban.
Offer other activities, long walk, card game, book to read, puzzle book etc.

Escapetofrance · 06/08/2023 05:32

A two day ban on holiday for getting frustrated isn’t going to help or solve anything. It’s a life time at that age.
Moving forward, you’ll have to try and keep him occupied and talk to him about acceptable behaviour and boundaries. Can you find a way of rewarding him for better behaviour and earning back his electronics earlier?

Original poster

runwithme · 06/08/2023 05:51

Thanks all. Its an ongoing issue, the ranting and not listening to reasoning. I agree, no electronics is torture to him, but we felt like we had no option. We were also due to go to breakfast, so sending him to his room was not an option at that time.
He has apologised and is playing in the pool with his dad now. This is how it goes. I'll try to talk to him about it but he never wants to (embarrassment?). He says he knows he was wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

runwithme · 06/08/2023 05:51

I like the idea of rewarding his good behaviour so we will work on that

OP posts:

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 06/08/2023 05:55

It could be a good time to start counselling support for DS2 and treat this as an opportunity to eventually have a better bond and understanding of the causes of anger, his current capabilities and goals for his emotional development. It’s not easy, both as the child and the parents. I’m sure that he will improve over time, with support

Maybe suggest to Dh that you will all be in a better position now and in future, if you change tactics and make time to talk to DS2 about importance of improving how he manages his frustrations and getting him counselling support. Maybe tell Ds2 that with counselling support, he can be better at managing his sad or angry feelings.

I would discuss with DS2 that he needs to accept that while you don’t respond to rude behaviour ,that doesn’t mean that you are ignoring him, you are just ignoring the rude behaviour.
You could say to him that you dearly love him and want the best for him, and want him to think of better ways to manage his angry feelings , and are happy to talk and help when he has calmed down, but you will not answer to rude behaviour .

Original poster

runwithme · 06/08/2023 06:04

Counselling sounds like a good idea. I've been having regular sessions with a local charity but they mainly deal with younger children. And they don't meet with the child, which is what he needs. He has been talking with someone at school but they've not been very helpful. He's off to secondary school in September and I'm worried for him with all the new pressures. I'll speak to them to see if they can help with counselling.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 06/08/2023 06:09

Keep to your no electronics stance, as now it is done.

Perhaps he can regain some of the time - say one day only - by writing down/envisioning acceptable ways he could have reacted when frustrated. It is a one off chance.
Give him fifteen minutes alone in a room to come up with acceptable strategies and voice them, politely, to his father.

Devise a warning word together (calm or halt etc.) that will alert DS2 (straight away) that he needs to try his acceptable strategies and engage good manners that do not make people in his vacinity feel threatened. If he can not switch out of the frustration he needs to immediately remove himself from the task until he has calmed down. Once again - so as to make people around him feel comfortable, non threatened and safe. If he can not handle his own emotions then it is fair to remove electronics.

Have you discussed how he makes everyone else feel and that it is not acceptable behaviour to not control his own shouting etc? Explain how it is fair that he needs to improve. How it is fair that he loses privileges if he makes no effort or continues with anti social behaviour? Explain how it is in everyone's interests that his problem be overcome.

You are on holiday so you could have a break from his harping by getting him to walk out and bring back lunch.

Goldbar · 06/08/2023 06:28

Have you asked him why he thinks it is acceptable to take his frustrations out on you all when it's something you have no control over? Why it's ok for him to treat you like verbal punchbags?

Next time I'd leave him in the hotel room for a few minutes on his own and tell him that he can rant, rave and swear to his satisfaction and say whatever he likes. But to the walls, not to his family. So when you come back, he needs to have got it under control. Because while you sympathise with his frustrations, sometimes shit happens in life and you need to move on and not take it out on others.

VashtaNerada · 06/08/2023 06:46

It sounds like DS needs some support in managing difficult emotions. That’s not easy and you may need to discuss it during quiet times when DS isn’t upset. You’ll also need to talk through how you manage your own frustrations when something happens that’s annoying to you. I’m not sure an electronics ban is the right thing tbh and I agree with PP that finding a way for him to win it back is a good idea. If he has apologised for his behaviour that’s a good sign. My DS is similar but he finds apologies really hard. Is he about to start secondary school? That’s a hugely emotional time for children so his overreaction to something like this could well be related to his feelings about what else is going on in his life.

mathanxiety · 06/08/2023 15:45

I think the punishment was appropriate.

When you all get home, you need to make him talk to you about it. Impose an electronics ban until he does. He doesn't get to decide what his parents can talk to him about and what they can't.

For your part, you need to stop pussyfooting around trying to keep everyone happy. It's better for you and your DH to be happy than for your 11 yo to be happy. You need to make sure this child understands that he is not the person in charge of his family.

He's going to be harder to deal with once he hits puberty. You need to be very firm that verbal abuse of people in his family is never acceptable, and that he needs to identify and address the feelings of frustration, powerlessness, etc that are behind it, plus the feeling of entitlement that makes him believe he can treat his family so badly. The feeling of entitlement is the important one to crack.

calmcoco · 06/08/2023 15:53

runwithme · 06/08/2023 06:04

Have I missed something, why does he need counselling? Has something happened?

He doesn't need counselling for being ranty, imo.

Is there any chance you're overreacting?.

Yonderway · 06/08/2023 15:59

Punishing a child for being upset which is what your husband is doing is not going to make them less upset. Surely you can see that?

I agree.
I'm not a fan of punishment anyway as it rarely makes the slightest difference. Just breeds resentment. And in this case it seems to be counter productive.

BoohooWoohoo · 06/08/2023 16:10

He can't just pretend that it didn't happen. You are men like this on posts on here and their wives end up living miserable lives.
He's a human so will make mistakes but when he's calm he needs to work on strategies that don't mean the rest of the family have to be a verbal punchbag. He can get better at dealing with his emotions even if it means he was forced to rant to us bedroom walls rather than family.

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