Miserable Summer Holidays

[EllieQ]

I know these are all first world problems, but I’ve had a rotten couple of weeks and need to rant/ vent.

DH and I took the past two weeks off work as our summer holiday - couldn’t afford to go away, but PIL are visiting (staying in a holiday let near us) and we had some days out planned. But it feels like everything has gone wrong:

• Terrible weather with rain almost every day.
• MIL has very poor mobility (worse than we realised) as she’s waiting for a hip replacement, so some of our plans were not suitable as she can’t walk far. She’s not keen on using a mobility scooter or similar.
• DH and I both started feeling ill with a bad cold last weekend and are still not recovered. We’ve both done Covid tests due to feeling so ill (negative results).
• PIL looked after DD (age 8) some afternoons so we could rest, but she’s been quite whiny and complaining to us about it. Obviously it’s not the fun week she was expecting, but her attitude has left me feeling like a crap parent.
• And to top all this off, we’ve just found out our roof needs to be replaced at a cost of £20k.

PIL are going home today, and I’m back at work on Monday. I’ve had a stressful time at work recently and really needed this break, but it’s been so miserable. I’m trying to look at the good points (we can remortgage to pay for the roof, PIL being able to look after DD while we’ve been ill) but it’s left me really really low.

I’ve been struggling with life in general over the past couple of years, and this just feels like another failure. I know it’s irrational, but I feel like everyone else is just ‘better’ at life in some ways, and don’t have their plans spoiled by things going wrong, unlike us.

Anyone else want to share their miserable summer holidays and make me feel less alone and useless?

I hate to sound like a weather moaner but I’m also of the opinion that the sunshine makes everything feel better - it sounds like a really rough couple of weeks, very different to what you had all hoped for and it’s understandable that it’s been disappointing.
I’ve only had a couple of random days off so far as we are very fortunately escaping the U.K. for the last 2 weeks of the holidays and even those days I’ve had off have been total washouts, unable to do the things we had planned and been looking forward to.
I’ve had a rather shit 18 months and am really pinning a lot on two weeks in the sun destressing me. Just our luck we will
get there and there will be a fucking hurricane or some such shit!
Sorry about your roof, not the same but in the last 10 days we have had to replace our washing machine, one of the cars broke down so that’s needed some work doing and now it looks like we need a new fridge freezer! I think we should all just go back to bed and emerge in time for an Indian summer 😂

I agree with the weather comment. Anything miserable is far more miserable with miserable weather.

Op there will be people having a better life than you, but there will be those doing way way worse as well.
You're allowed to have a moan and having a crap holiday from work is rubbish, but also have a think and maybe have some goals on how things can be better.

Op we had a reduced mobility grandparent and it's quite selfish of them to change everyone plans because they don't want mobile help.

It's not your fault your dd didn't have a good time with them when she insisted on remaining non mobile... I would have said this.

Non of its own your fault and I completely understand your dds disappointed as well as she had every right to be.

We are not having great shakes here either...

Going away locally for a few nights at fhe end of the August, money tight etc.
Not much planned and the I've day I had planned looks to be too hot now and I'm worried about trains

Hang in there op! A new roof whilst so painful is an investment.

I think I would have had low expectations from the outset (expectations that look they have been met).

Two weeks at home ( but not working) is never going to be the same as a holiday abroad or somewhere else in the UK doing new stuff - so it is never going to be amazing (purely imo). This is why I prioritise holidays and plan them so I don't end up with nowhere to go and spend them at home which is total non holiday to me!

Last week myself and two DDs went on a 4 night break at one of a well-known chain of holiday parks. When I booked it I imagined sunny days by the outside pool and, even if the weather was not hot, there was the option exploring the pretty seaside towns and historic places nearby.

The reality - lashing rains and gale-force winds making even short walks unpleasant on some days. DDs bored and cranky - too old for park's organised kids' activities and fed up with the lack of WiFi and on-demand entertainment. Park's pool was dirty and within two days DD1 was complaining of a sore throat. Ended up coming home a night early. Wish I'd spent that £500 on trips to attractions in Central London instead.

Feeling responsible for everyone's 'fun' is a heavy mental burden and one that us mums bear disproportionately sometimes I believe. As I write I'm trying to cajole DDs out of their pjs and asking myself how it is they were able to leave at 8.25am sharp for school every day. It's the lack of structure I find most difficult.

Two weeks at home ( but not working) is never going to be the same as a holiday abroad or somewhere else in the UK doing new stuff - so it is never going to be amazing (purely imo). This is why I prioritise holidays and plan them so I don't end up with nowhere to go and spend them at home which is total non holiday to me!

Me too. I couldn't afford to go away for a 2 week holiday this year but I had enough saved to go away for a cheap and cheerful holiday somewhere hot for 5 days so that's what we did and it's made a world of difference. I know not everyone can even do that but just wanted to share that there are sometimes more affordable options that can work well.

It’s true that two weeks at home would never feel like a holiday, but our original plans were that we’d visit PIL (who live in the south-east) then have a few days in London. They then decided they wanted to visit us, so everything changed.

I had been thinking about going away as well, just for a few days (a friend had a great trip to Edinburgh including visiting the zoo), but somehow never got round to organising it. That is an ongoing problem, actually - over the past two years, I’m finding it a real effort to do more than the basics of life, and I don’t know how to get out of this slump.

We’ve had exactly the same situation here. 4 nights in Haven, got back yesterday. We were prepared for some crap weather but it’s really been unbearable and has made the phone signal to use data unusable too, so no respite from any of it. Ds is 11 and suddenly feels a bit old for it all. We will go somewhere else next year, maybe a city break somewhere.

I relate to this a lot we are at the caravan with the Ming weather. Sone years here we have had tropical dream weather.

We have watch a lot of tv which I don't like BUT we did spend hours together in shared enjoyment.

The break I really need from work is the thinking time. At least I've done some planning and made some lists but not thrilling I know.

It's also much harder to do things which are cheap when it's raining. Sone one will complain I've said this but it's true.

It's one to chalk up to experience I think, over the years I've let the kids put caveats around holiday time - no more extra guests it's too uncomfortable, only allowing a small relative to stay 2 nights max as there's activities then become all about them.

It's not your fault you were ill but it's sucks.

Try and find some what's on lists over next few months and plan/book some cheap events if you can.

OP I find is helps to sit down with the school calendar and think about all the different long weekends and plan lots. A long weekend here, and there in addition to at least one proper holiday can make a huge difference. Knowing you have some breaks can be a huge lift.

It's very unfair that you pil ruined your chance to have a holiday - but had you booked a holiday last year you would have been away so they couldn't have come!

Let's help you out op.
Is there anything you feel is causing this slump?
Are you menopausal age?
Is your dh supportive and nice to you?
Have you had a blood test done for any vitamin deficiencies? Low iron?
Is it your job?

I’ve been struggling with life in general over the past couple of years, and this just feels like another failure. I know it’s irrational, but I feel like everyone else is just ‘better’ at life in some ways, and don’t have their plans spoiled by things going wrong, unlike us.

I really relate to this and sometimes the FOMO is grim.

Things I found helpful are;
Planning planning planning.
I use a bullet journal but whatever - I plan my leave including meal plans and travel time and all sorts. I use a weather app obsessively and plan all the days including the do nothing days.

Encourage the kids with indoor projects - build something with every single piece of Lego for example. My dds are v big on resin and jewellery making just now. I also bring out kits they got for Xmas and forgot about.

Sign up to emails from places you like going so you hear about discounts and events and stuff. Bloody fb algorithms have messed with this this year as I've missed loads of alerts but hey Ho. Libraries and museums also have free or cheap events.

Talk to your dd about it. Try and think about what made you all laugh like drains or was so fun you were all exhausted afterwards!! Make some lists together of what you really enjoy as a family and make some plans. Be really honest about what costs too much just now. Think about alternatives.

Lastly ditch sm. honestly it's the source of feeling not good enough. It really bloody is.

Some very good questions there!

I’m 46 so it could be peri-menopause/ start of menopause. I also have a chronic illness (arthritis) which affects my energy levels - this is something that’s really only happened in the past few years. I get regular blood tests for this and have had low iron before, but not recently.

I had a bad case of Covid at the start of 2022, which took a long time to fully recover from and I’ve felt that my brain has never been quite up to speed since.

DH is great and fully supportive both on day to day stuff (sharing cooking, childcare, school runs) and all the other household stuff. He’s a lot better than many of the DH/ DPs that people post about on here!

Work is difficult at the moment - I’ve been in the same job for several years and enjoy it, but last year my post was moved to a different section within the department and I now have to deal a manager I don’t really like. Most people think he’s an arsehole, so I know it’s not just me, but I now have to work with him quite closely and I’m finding it really hard. I’ve been looking for other jobs, and actually have an interview next week, but my current role suits me very well (flexible working, short commute, very good at it as I’ve done it for so long) and the thought of a new job is nerve-wracking.

Family - MIL’s mobility issues have highlighted the fact that they are getting older and have health issues. My parents are both dead, and I’ve been through the stress of dealing with ageing parents, so part of me is dreading what could happen in the next few years.

FOMO - not such much this, but a sense that everyone is doing better at life than we are. My older sisters are a particular source of this, and it’s hard seeing them posting lovely holiday photos on the family WhatsApp while all I have to report is a miserable week and the need for a new roof.

I know all the stuff about not comparing lives, only you can make yourself feel inferior, but it’s hard. Last year we did splash out on a holiday abroad in the sun, but it was actually stressful as DD found the change in routine difficult, became an even pickier eater than normal, and kept wearing a hoodie in the 28c heat as she hates the feeling of sun cream (I am concerned about possible ASD or other neuro-divergency). So what should have been a nice holiday was not as much fun as I’d hoped. Perhaps that’s why subconsciously I didn’t want to arrange anything for this year.

I really appreciate everyone’s sympathy and knowing that I’m not the only one who is having a miserable time. And those questions have been useful to help me think about what’s going on in my head.

Hi OP,I just wanted to say maybe get a second - and even third opinion on the roof. You might find someone else says it can be repaired rather than replaced and is good for a few years yet. Sometimes the person just wants the lucrative work of a big job rather than a small repair. Unless you know the person who assessed well and have total faith in them I would get further advice.

Good point about the roof from Winter2020 - do get another opinion if you haven't already.

Good luck with your interview. Everything seems a bit tough right now - because it is - but you have the basics right (supportive DH etc) which is a huge boon. Your PILs do sound to have thrown some spanners into the works just now, which is understandable if their lives are changing for the worse but really not helpful to you. It is sad for you and DH too, and another stressor.

FWIW I would lay money on it that some time in her 20s or 30s, your DD will recall this time as a golden summer spent cosying up with her parents and grandparents and you will wonder what the hell she is remembering.

I hope the roof turns out to be less of a problem than expected.
Once life returns to usual maybe you could catch up on some cheer by planning a day outing each weekend, if the weather permits.
Pretend you are a visitor to your town and plan to travel no more than an hour to participate in something wonderful.

Pack a picnic, take a train, eat somewhere fancy, visit a friend, , plant a herb garden, catch a fish etc. Get your daughter in on the planning.

Also you might derive some joy from joining a singing group, an outdoor painting or drawing group, a cycling club etc.
You might be able to involve yourself in a low cost interest that makes work problems less important.

Make a change or two for the better so that life will not go on and on the same until you are the age that your PIL are.

OP - just to say I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Just wanting to spend a couple of days out doing nice stuff with your family is not unreasonable. The weather has been vile, it's much more difficult to get out and about.

I'm another one thinking your PiLs are being selfish not considering anyone else. Maybe your DH needs to look into mobility options to suggest to his mother? - he could stress this would be temporary until her surgery.....

Could you go and stay with PiLs for a weekend and you and DH take DD to London, there are so many free places to visit.

Regarding work, you have my sympathy. When you have to work with difficult people it just makes it so much more difficult. My advice would be to attend as many external events and meetings as possible and work at home whenever possible, to limit you contact time with him. And above all, detach. This is not personal, this is just who this person is, they will not change, all you can do is change your attitude. Good luck - this WILL pass

🖐️ Hi OP, definitely get second and third opinions on the roof. As PP's have said, even if you don't know (yet) how you'll afford it, sort through the calender to find an opening then get googling for a cheap and cheerful break you can look forward to. 100% read up on peri-menopause, it absolutely made my arthritis 10x worse and my energy levels were occasionally at rock bottom.

Ah OP I feel for you. We have just had exactly the same summer holidays here, although without the PIL visiting. 2 weeks of rain and us all being varying degrees of sick at different points in the fortnight. My sister has mobility issues and similarly refuses to use a mobility aid because it's hard for her to accept she needs one. Hard but ultimately very selfish IMO.

I'm also back to work tomorrow and my plan is to try to make the best of what's left of the holidays and the light evenings with the odd evening activity with the kids - cinema trips, trampoline place, impromptu pizza for tea.
If the weather picks up I might take the odd Monday off and we can do a camping weekend or maybe city weekend away depending on costs.

Agree with others that the planning helps - mine is just my own plan at the moment, I haven't shared it with the kids in case it doesn't happen.

Different circumstances here but no holiday as such. I’m trying to let the kids make the most of the freer schedule we have - we eat more food they like (with a carrot stick here and there for good measure), I let them decide where we should go on days together, more little purchases of charity shop books/toys, chips for tea or a small packet of sweets from a sweet shop. They seem to like it.

What stands out to me on your posts OP is that you don't seem to be taking any time for yourself. A family holiday or spending time with ILs is never going to be relaxing really! You are ill, how is your sickness record for this year, can you take some sick time off? Or plan to use some annual leave and have a long weekend to yourself where you don't do anything for anyone else, use the time to disengage from the constant grind?

I am the same age as you OP. I would recommend booking a GP appointment and discussing your symptoms, at least get a set of bloods done just to rule out anything (I had a severe vit D deficiency and had to take a loading dose for 3 months). My GP and I have also discussed HRT but I don't feel ready for it yet as I am not sure if some of my symptoms were grief related / depression. I have been put on antidepressants after a shit few months (Dad died, getting a divorce after being cheated on) and do feel so much better.

I think like others have said that the weather makes a massive difference! I’m mostly relying on free days out to parks and picnics so when it’s raining all the time it does make it very hard. I’ve only got one week off through the holidays but as I work nights and weekends I am around for the kids which I’m grateful for. But I feel guilty because I’m not a parent that is great at home entertainment, I’m rubbish with baking and crafts etc so I always feel I’m not doing enough. I have tried to plan something every other week, so the first week we didn’t do much, this week we’ve been away to grandparents for a few days, next week at home, week after our holiday, the last week at home but with a trip to legoland tagged on the last weekend. This way i have something to aim for to get me through the long hard weeks!

Live in a costal tourist town. Having shitty weather brings out the fact there really isn't that much to do for kids and families. Hence why people make a family day out in the supermarkets as someone else made a thread about. Pointless having a beach, lovely surrounding countryside and parks if they're unusable due to crap weather and pollution