How to establish firm but polite boundaries with MIL regarding new house

[clairan]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I will be moving to a new house in the next few months.
My MIL has form for wanting to take over things.
When we were talking about the house around her, she told me that she "couldn't wait to decorate DGS' room". I found it a bit bizarre, but didn't reply. Thought of it as a fleeting comment maybe, but it sounds like she assumes her designing his room is the default option? Surely my husband and I get to do that.

I mentioned it to him and he said something along the lines of "Oh yeah, when my brother moved to his new house (a few months ago), she said she didn't like the way the furnitures were placed and kept insisting to move them, even after repeatedly being told no. My brother had to leave the house for a bit, and when he came back, she had moved all the furnitures."

Now I can't help but worry, but I'm not sure whether I'm overthinking or not. I don't want to tarnish our relationship, but I want to be firm and make sure she knows we will have free range on how we decorate our house.
Would that make me unreasonable?
How do I approach it?

Do not let her have a spare key

Shut down any conversation politely,

'Oh Ill just move your furniture around it will look much better, then ill choose your paint and curtains'

'No thanks Mil we've already ordered curtains and like this set up. Right let's get the kettle on and have a cup of tea'. Etc Etc

This...and if she is snooping around bedrooms I would simply just say 'why are you in there?' And if it hang. I at in my no bs stage at the mo. I've had enough of being walked over.

I expect you'll just have to be very blunt.

Pretend you think she’s joking. It’s really awkward to come back and say you were being serious if someone laughs in a friendly way and says “oh, I almost thought you were being serious then! Imagine!”. Then swiftly moves on to making a cup of tea.

If she doubles down you’ll just have to tell her that you and your DH want to make design decisions yourself.

I’m a real non confrontational person but when DF behaved like this, the only way that worked was to be very blunt. I’m prepared to bite my tongue and compromise but not with my own home which I pay for and have to live in.

Not unreasonable.
Just be blunt and direct and do not give an inch. If she crosses a line call her on it and put it back how you want it.

”We will decorating DS’s room. We’ve decided what we want and are looking forward to doing it”.

“Why have you moved the furniture. We will be putting it back where we want it and if you move it again you won’t be invited in our home again”.

Attack is the best form of defence. Pop round to hers while she’s out and change everything. You need a team like those terrible tv surprise diy shows.

We won't be moving around the corner, we will be an an hour 1/2 drive but she will probably still insist on coming with us for furniture shopping, or moving things around once she is at the house

thank you all for your ideas

You approach it by being firm and direct and for the love of god never, never allow her to have a key.

Your mother-in-law can't do anything unless you allow it. So don't.

She doesn't get to insist anything! You're adults with your own family. If you think she'll try, don't even tell her when you're furniture shopping.

She can decorate her own house as much as she likes. Not yours.

Sigh. Op, she cannot "insist" upon anything.

Be smart. If you know she's going to want to go furniture shopping, you don't tell her when you're going. If she goes to move anything in your home, you immediately tell her to knock it the fuck off. Immediately. And not nicey-nicey if she refuses to listen. Take control here. You sound very, very passive, and that's what people like your mother-in-law count on.

I have a friend who is a master at non-confrontational control of situations. She quietly and deftly makes sure to not be pinned down to anything she doesn't like, without being 'awkward' or 'difficult'. I've realised that she just sidesteps things, so if your MIL asked about when and where furniture shopping was happening, my friend would say they hadn't decided yet or weren't sure and then change the subject. People find it hard to argue with things that aren't definite.

I don’t understand, how she can insist on it though. Can you prepare with your husband about how you will handle that situation if it arises? I think it needs to be blunt and forceful early on to set the stage so she gets the message.

Things will need to be on a need to know basis ... and guess who doesn't need to know..... ?

No spare keys
If she moves furniture she is asked to leave
If she does it more than once you start meeting at her house or a public space rather than your home. Can't interfere somewhere she can't access and can't sabotage any plans she doesn't know about.

Enjoy your new home

Perfect

Don't tell her when you are going shopping. Simple!

She will "insist"! - well she can insist away, but what you choose to do is down to you. Treat it as a joke!

I have a lot of experience in this area (with my own parents not PIL who are magnificent).

I would advise not pretending it's a joke. She wants her own way and game playing won't deter her for a second.

Literally the only successful way to handle it is to mirror her bluntness. So:

"I will come over this weekend to decorate dsg bedroom".

"No we don't want you to do that"

"Oh I want to, it's no bother"

"No. Again."

Then finish it by doing something else.

If she turns up, be equally blunt. No is your friend.

Just don't give her a key.

Don't tell her that you're going furniture shopping.

She doesn't need to know the minutiae of your day to day life.

Tell her nothing.

Live your own lives.

Or do you have a partner who tells her everything?