Struggle with social interactions, conversations and fitting in (shy)

[climbershell]

Hello,

I've always massively struggled to make friends, because I'm incredibly socially awkward. I either can't get my words out or can't think of anything to say!

This has been me my whole life, even as a young child - I'd often be alone at lunch breaks at school and dread them. Now in my late 30s I still struggle. My partner is thr same, so we have very very little conversation either

Despite not being comfortable in many social situations and not ever being able to keep a conversation going for very long, whether with friends (I see rarely as I'm a mum to 2 under 2), people at toddler groups or in work environments in the past (before I started my own successful gardening business where I work alone), I crave conversation and belonging.

I'm shy and socially awkward, but I wouldn't say I have low self esteem. Because I'm so crap at conversation I'm lonely a lot. Its kind of like I'm always on the sidelines, whether in groups of friends, when with family (both sets of siblings and auntie/uncle aren't local but we meet up a few times a year), at toddler groups, on the sidelines not fully participating

I've done CBT before but got nothing out if it, as u don't have the negative thought, or any thought really, just the feeling!

Any ideas?

Thanks

So sorry you didn’t have any replies. I also struggle with this. I will share some tips once I figured it out!

Have you tried practising conversation? I was no good at conversation but because of a very particular life circumstance I had to learn. The main thing is to take interest in the other person, and do that genuinely. Ask them about their life and actually listen to the answers. Most people have something interesting to them if you listen and ask.

You could try practising with Chat GPT for ten minutes a day and see how it goes. Prompt it with common scenarios, like this:

> Act as a friendly stranger in a toddler group. We are both British new mums who don't know each other and we will have a normal conversation. Your replies will be friendly but not excessively enthusiastic. Say hello to begin.

You say you crave conversation - what kind? What would you like to be chatting about?

I think conversation is a skill you can improve. There are basic topics that are situational - "what did you think of the film/concert/whatever?" "How's your child/puppy/renovation project?" "I saw an interesting program on telly the other night..." Keep a few in reserve for when the conversation runs dry.

For close friends, it's about identifying people who you find interesting. What do you love to learn about - whether it's sci-fi novels or folk music or fashion, look out for people who share those things then you can move on to deeper chat.

Work on your anxiety as that won't be helping matters, there are lots of resources online. It helps to have a bit of confidence (even if it's faked to start with) and to learn to shake it off if you come away thinking you said something stupid- everyone says stupid or rude things sometimes.

Watching with interest as I struggle a lot with social anxiety and shyness. I often feel I can't be around people unless I know them well and even if I do I'm not sure if they accept me or not?