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Original poster

Birthday party for my ASD DS

17 replies

user134276 · 03/08/2023 21:34

For background : My DS is going to be 9. He has ASD, ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia. He is bright and capable but does struggle with some things. You wouldn't necessarily know unless you had been told, or had seen him in the classroom. His ADHD is mostly inattentive and his ASD is quite subtle to outsiders. At school he is silly and immature and in the past (before he was properly supported and diagnosed) was disruptive to a degree. Never anything serious but he is probably one of the more 'difficult' children in the class and I am sure that other children go home and tell their parents about how he ran off crying during a PE lesson or got told off for saying something silly.

None of his classmates have been told about his official labels as DS doesn't want to share it. As a result, only one parent knows. I am sure some may suspect, others probably just think he's a bit naughty.

He has some friends at school but seems to be on the fringes of many groups. A few children (the really nature, football loving boys) clearly dislike him and he avoids them. He has been called weird a few times. He has one best friend but they are not joined at the hip. His friend has better social skills than my DS so is more popular. DS doesn't mind this and plays with other people too, he's just very much on the edges - allowed to join in but never the leader and probably never anyone's top choice. I should add he seems fairly happy.

EXCEPT he is never invited to birthday parties or playdates - except from his best friend. We have always had people round and I have encouraged what I can but he never gets invited back. Last year he had a birthday party and none of the people who came to his invited him back in return. Probably due in part to parents saying 'you dont want that naughty/silly DS at your party! He was quite hurt by this and equally keeps asking when he will be invited to X's or y's as we had them over....

Anyway... That's all very long. Sorry there is a point in here!

DS turns 9 in October and is excitedly talking about his birthday party. He has 6 people he wants to invite and he wants to go bowling. Fine, but I know he will invite the people he considers to be his friends and just never be invited to their parties 😔. It's so heartbreaking, he says 'maybe this year if my party is really good, they'll invite me'.

What do I do? Do I do the party as he wants and deal with the rejection when it comes? Do I say no to the party so that the rejection can be more easily explained? Is it worth speaking to the other children's parents??

I'm very aware that the older he gets the less involved I need to be and I can't manage his social life forever, it's something he needs to navigate himself 😭 no matter how hard he finds it.

OP posts:

Cascais · 03/08/2023 21:37

Have the party he wants and invite the people he wants

SusiePevensie · 03/08/2023 21:38

What Cascais said.

HauntedPencil · 03/08/2023 21:39

Have the party that he wants and let him ask them. This happens to us quite a lot (DS with ADHD) I let him have who he wants but I have started to subtly drop a few off that he really isn't that friendly with.

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SusiePevensie · 03/08/2023 21:40

It might help if he were able to share his diagnoses. It isn't - it shouldn't be - anything to be ashamed of.

HauntedPencil · 03/08/2023 21:42

My son shared his but it didn't increase the invite situ but he's made a few more friends over the years. It's nice he has a best friend

LaMaG · 03/08/2023 21:46

Definitely do what makes him happy now and try not to worry what will come down the line. He will have the happy memories of his big day. Ds is similar and he gets invited to the bigger parties (all class or all the boys) but chooses not to go as he doesn't cope well with big groups. He doesn't get invited to the smaller groups or on play dates and never a sleepover.. its sad. He has a twin who is incredibly popular so it's doubly hard.

WanderingWitches · 03/08/2023 21:48

Wouldn't you prefer other people to know he's autistic/adhd rather than just think he's naughty?

Original poster

user134276 · 03/08/2023 21:49

@SusiePevensie I completely agree and we have suggested it, but his diagnosises have all came at once within the past 6 months. I think he is still processing them to some extent. He's quite a self conscious person and just isn't ready to share them yet, especially with the whole class and the other boys who he just tries to avoid.

OP posts:

Didiplanthis · 03/08/2023 21:50

Same situation with my DTs ... let him have the party he wants.. he will still know he's not invited to parties and playdates which is out of your control but you can give him a great day on his birthday.. it has dawned on mine, that the end of the year has come round and they didn't get invited back but sadly i think they are used to it now 😒... it does get harder for a bit as they get older, the parties get smaller and they never make the cut but a few years later there aren't really parties in the same way and it gets less obvious again ( also been through it with their older sister .. all 3 are ND )

Original poster

user134276 · 03/08/2023 21:51

@WanderingWitches I absolutely would, but short of announcing it on the class Whatsapp, I don't really know how to do this. I'm also not sure its for me to tell? It's his information, not mine. I don't actively not tell other adults, I just haven't ever had cause to. Ironically, I probably would tell them if he was invited to a party or a playdate!

OP posts:

Original poster

user134276 · 03/08/2023 21:52

@LaMaG That does sound hard. It's hard as a parent to watch it too. I'm a real extrovert and sociable so I also have to be careful not to project my feelings onto a situation. Just because I'd be unhappy with something, doesn't mean he would. My DH is similar to him in many ways. He has a few friends and is happy to be sociable with me, but left to his own devices would probably be very happy never really seeing anyone 🤣

OP posts:

Didiplanthis · 03/08/2023 21:54

user134276 · 03/08/2023 21:49

Mine haven't broadcast their diagnoses but when the 'cool football' boys walked past DT1 chanting you're autistic , you're autistic, as an insult ( they didn't know he was) he just said 'yeah and ?' .... stole their thunder somewhat and they sloped off to pick on someone else !

Marblessolveeverything · 03/08/2023 21:57

From the other perspective my son has been invited to a class mates party. My son finds the little guy hard work, ruins games, can't not win, doesn't get the social cues of conversations, no shared interests. Has melt downs in school that my lad finds frightening.

He does include the child in school but when we have parties I will say pick 6 people it inevitable be his "pals" . I always have play dates, activity based to make sure I pay back all party invites.

A couple of his pals have diagnosis for ASD they are very open with friends about what works for them.

I do wonder sometimes if the knowledge resets children's expectations and then friendships develop from that ?

I hope your little lad finds his tribe. I will keep reminding my lad to be inclusive and hope that supports friendships developing.

Original poster

user134276 · 03/08/2023 22:00

@Didiplanthis this would throw my DS completely off guard and probably make him cry. He doesn't know how to deal with things like that. His processing is slow and he just isn't socially confident enough to do that yet. He would just totally crumble.

I would love if he could react the way your DT does. That's always what we model and we have read so many books and spoken about it so positively.

OP posts:

Didiplanthis · 03/08/2023 22:28

user134276 · 03/08/2023 22:00

I would love if he could react the way your DT does. That's always what we model and we have read so many books and spoken about it so positively.

So would mine at 9, he is 11 now, and his brother would still cry and get angry. Adhd meds have totally changed his life. He is so much more stable and confident ( until meds wear off !) , unfortunately they didn't help his twin in the same way.

Singleandproud · 03/08/2023 22:49

I would explore some ASD specific groups sometimes run through the local library or a lego club and see if DS can make friends outside of school who have more in common with him and then he may want to invite them instead.

Teen DD (with ASD), has a great group of friends but they've all got their own things going on, medical conditions under Gosh, anxiety, tourettes, Adhd they are amazingly supportive of one another but it takes time for them to find their tribe and sometime Primary schools are too small to find children that they properly gel with.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/08/2023 23:02

Singleandproud · 03/08/2023 22:49

I agree with this. ASD specific groups can be extremely helpful in finding a group of like-minded individuals. Hobby specific groups can work too, depending on his interests, especially the geekier ones - roleplaying, war hammer, anything like that. They can be great spaces to make friends.

In terms of his party, the harsh truth is that he may not be invited to other parties whether or not he has his own, but if he has his own he's at least had one good party.

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