Brits will celebrate with you but can’t handle grief

[musingsofme]

A couple of years ago I had several miscarriages in short succession. I was really depressed although I hid this at work as I don’t truly believe that it’s accepted despite companies posturing acceptance and I also had an awful colleague who took any opportunity to use things against me . Told a couple of trusted colleagues and they were nice but it was brushed under the carpet. People also say bizarre and quite unhelpful stuff during hard times in your life but It that’s prob a different topic 🤣. This workplace was nice, nice people.

New job now but same as old place, lovely people. I am get married and omg I feel like a minor celeb 😂. Always being asked about wedding planning, wedding, honeymoon. Big fuss made of me with a gathering and gift and cards for me and my fiancé. Not even my team, the wider team! Absolutely lovely and much appreciated.

It got me thinking of the contrast of how people react though when you have good on your life vs bad. When I’d had my losses I could have done with a bit love. I think the British way though is people don’t want to bring things up and upset you. Ive come to accept that it’s as if the loss of my pregnancies never happened, people never bring it up. I don’t think grief or loss has much of a place in our culture the way good things do.

I think in other cultures death and loss is a bit more prominent?

Not angry or upset or anything like that just find it interesting and would like to know the thoughts and experiences of others.

I don’t know whether it’s culturally specific to the British, but it’s easy to make a big fuss over celebrating something. You’d have to make a real effort to cause offence or hurt there. But if someone is grieving, you don’t know if they’d rather talk about it or maintain their privacy. You could say something that may make person A feel comforted while person B might feel angry or upset. There are too many variables to avoid hurting someone at an already difficult time.

What's it like in your previous country, OP?

Well that's a massive generalisation! Especially as you say you hid your depression and 'believed' this was the thing to do.
That's up to you.
You said that people were nice but you didn't tell everyone.
Tbh it's not up to your colleagues to be more than that.

imagine if you were having quite a good day, you’d just got a project completed, you were thinking about what to have for dinner, and a colleague came ip to you and said ‘I’m so sorry about all your losses. Do you want to talk about it?’

they would almost entirely be introducing or reopening a sadness for you that they didn’t intend but you weren’t mentally prepared for. How do you see them introducing the topic without you bringing it up yourself? I don't mean this grumpily (sorry, tone is hard in typing) but i can’t see how anyone at work could risk opening this conversation without feeling like they were going to make things worse for you.

I think the sad things in life probably aren't the sort of things to discuss with work colleagues... as for your wedding, it gives them something to talk about with you.

What so you expect people is to.say ?
Most peoop!e don't want to upset their colleagues particularly if they are not that close so.unless you brought it up most people won't want to bring anything up that will be upsetting .

I do think it's a British trait that we worry about causing offence or upsetting other people.
It's a good thing imo. Other cultures can be very blunt to the point of rudeness (to a Brit), without intending to be - it's just their norm to be very straightforward. I think Brits would err on the side of caution snd we tend to talk around difficult topics.
But if you brought it up and were visibly upset, I think nice people would do everything possible to comfort you.
It's easy to feel all about the happy stuff though and grief is still perceived as private. Particularly in a work context.

I'd say we are like this in ireland too. It's uncomfortable to be around other people's grief. If you love them you want to sit with them in that sad place while the recover, but if it's a stranger, you feel pulled in to something too "close".
I am there for friends to allow them to be sad. And acquaintances too tbh, im not terrified of emotion, but some people are terrified of emotion, and it feels almost cruel to tell them anything other than "fine thanks!" because if they can't fix it for you, then they feel powerless, and then you feel worse for making them feel bad.
I overshare I think. I'm working on being a more private person. 🤐

I don't think this is a British thing. I am not culturally British and grew up outside the UK into adulthood. I don't know a single soul from my home country who has ever had a miscarriage. I mean, I'm sure I know loads who have, but no one ever spoke about them publicly.

My dad died when I was 18 and I got some cards and people came to the funeral, but after that, it was done, pretty much no one acknowledged my grief or asked about him or how I was coping, etc.

That said, when I did have a miscarriage, I actually had quite a few (British) friends reach out to me, a few sent cards and flowers, checked in with me, etc. Honestly though, nearly all cultures have a hard time talking about sad things.

And while there are rituals and rites, actually it's uncomfortable for most people, especially I think in recent years when life has been hard for everyone. I've had friends who have had bereavements and I haven't really been super supportive of them, in retrospect, because life has been so bloody hard for me. I'm just trying to get through the day and I can't take on anything else for anyone. That's just unfortunately how life is for lots of people right now.

I do think pregnancy loss of a bit different in that (cynically) there's a bit of a taboo about it and (less cynically) people tend to keep it private so they may have their own reasons for avoiding the topic.

But in general, yes of course it's easier to chat with someone about a wedding, easy small talk and something people can immediately reach for when they run into you in the kitchen. I do think if your loss was that of a parent, say, people may have been more willing to sympathise as the conventions are a little clearer.

I think it's lovely that people want to celebrate happy things with you.

Some people don't even like to do that!!