Advice - DH having a breakdown

[SaltyGod]

My DH is having some kind of breakdown (I know that technically this isn’t a thing and that it’s a symptom of an underlying issue but that’s what he’s calling it)

I don’t know what to do.

He’s speaking to a GP this morning and we have private health.

On a practical level I’ve cancelled weekend plans and will WFH to be with him. I’m currently crying without him seeing whilst I try to hold it all together.

He is saying really worrying things because he’s in a dark place. He can’t see a way forward.

Does anyone have any advice? What do I do?

I’m crying in another room as I don’t want to make this about me. I’m listening to him and being 100% supportive.

Get him on the antidepressants and give them time to work.
Do you have kids at home ?

Don’t worry, my DH threatened to harm himself, but the antidepressants really do help. Encourage him to take them if he’s reluctant.

I would wait to see what the GP says. Hopefully your private health care could get him help far quicker than the NHS. It may be that if he worsens, you will need to get urgent help-https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/
in my experience, there was little support but MIND are good https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
and there may be some local charities able to support you. Good luck 💐

Don’t panic. I know it’s scary. You’re both doing all the right things. It will get better.

Have you got real-life support too?

Two kids. They’re fine.

The awful things are not that he’d harm himself, but more along the lines of thinking that we’d break up because of it.

I’ve asked him outright if he wants to break up and he says absolutely not but that he can’t see a future in which we’d be together because of his issues. He says the future looks totally bleak.

So I’m half not sure if he’s having a breakdown as he wants to break up but can’t face it. Is it a breakdown or a break-up? I asked outright if he’s cheated and he says not. I do believe him (he basically would never have any time to have an affair and whilst it’s possible I don’t think this is the cause)

Anti depressants, also getting outside and getting exercise so things like cycling and walking help. Having a healthy diet and not overworking is also a plus.

Also he must get help if he fails or comes off the anti depressants don't be "nice" about it. He must do it. Otherwise the rest of the family suffer more and for longer and although depression is hard to address, he should be taking active steps as it doesn't improve on its own.

The reason I asked about kids is that, in hindsight, I should have asked DH to leave while he sorted himself out. My DH refused to believe that it was MH for a long time, and my kids saw him deteriorate, and they shouldn’t have. But I thought keeping us together and ‘normal’ was right at the time.
Make sure you look after yourself and the kids during this.

It doesn’t sound like a break-up. Put that out of your mind for now. He thinks he’s broken and he’s unable to see a happier future. He needs urgent help (signed off work, see the GP ASAP and be honest about his feelings), short/medium term help (counselling - pay for private if you can) and medication, a solid self-care regime and then see what other longer term changes might be needed.

My DH went through this and the GP put him on antidepressants. It took a while to get the dose right. After a couple of years he weaned off and things were fine for a bit but his mood dropped a lot so he went back on them and things have been better.

It was hard on myself and the children until he started feeling better. Has he told you why he feels the way he does? In my DH's case it was money and feeling terrible about himself. I think working on the cause is important too. As well as working out if his needs are being met (my DH wasn't eating well or resting enough so he changed his working hours and commute). Meditation has helped him at times too, although he's not really into it, when he does it, it's beneficial.

I also spoke to a Mind worker for my own mental health to help support me through it. We also had marriage counselling which was the best thing ever and helped us understand each other so much more. We hadn't really felt we needed it but our communication is so much better now and it's helped us both.

Reassure him this is temporary, and things will get better.
Work with him. Things need to come from him.
Get him talking therapy ASAP, just having an appointment booked will be something to look forward to.

I think maybe just say to him you hear what he’s saying but this isn’t a time to make big decisions when he’s feeling like this. Suggest focusing on getting him help and feeling better then you can talk more about it.

Hi
I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this it's very scary.

Although real life causes (such as work stress/trauma) can contribute to a breakdown the actual breakdown is real and physical so at the moment he won't know which way is up.

This being the case I would try not to ask him what he wants/why this is happening/what can be done to help him etc as he won't know. He is ill and no more knows how to get better or what he wants right now than someone with a bad dose of flu.

At the time my husband did not believe he was ill (you could tell he was just by looking at him) I spent hours talking to him about how his feelings were "because he was ill" then two minutes later it was back to square one with him believing his thoughts and feelings were real and not because he was ill. He was ill - he had an entirely different presentation to when he is well and as he got better went back to his old self in his presentation and personality.

He might say things that frighten/hurt or confuse you but you need to be strong and realise for now he is ill and not himself. I think the best attitude to take with him and yourself is "at the moment you are ill and we aren't making any major/lifechanging decisions while you are ill. When you are well we will look at those decisions". Just be there for him (as you are) and encourage him to take meds. I expect he might need to be signed off work for a while. As far as possible a good diet inc meat if he's not vege or fortified foods if he is, get him out for walks with you and the kids if you can. We spent more than we could afford really trying to "do stuff" to distract us but any little distraction is good.

You can hope to see improvements/changes within weeks or months in my experience (not days though).

Very much agree with ToBeOrNotToBee
Get some appointments booked as something to hang on to/work towards.

Reassure him as much as you can that he is experiencing a temporary alteration in his thinking.

Anti-depressants really do work, and a crisis team may help in the interim. Does not sound like he wants to split with you, more like he's scared he won't get well and will lose you.

Please look after yourself op, get real life support if you can, someone to talk to, and keep posting if it helps. You are also fighting this battle and its hard.

Take care x

Just do one part of this at a time while talking openly to your support people. Start making back up plans for cash flow, banking and anything else that supports your family on a day to day basis. Facilitate his sleep and eating where possible and use private snd nhs services so he gets extra care. See if the crisis team will be involved.
hope he settles quickly.

Thank you all. Reassuring in a time of panic and I really do appreciate all the advice.

He really wants to get better and will take medication if prescribed. We are taking things one step at a time. MIL can help with kids if needed.

His issues stem from very occasional ED so I suppose it gets to the essence of him as a man and causes him to worry about our relationship. It happened once a few months ago and it’s clearly been eating him up with anxiety, and then a few years ago once before too. He says he’s been worrying about it for years but really from my side I wasn’t aware.

I don’t know much about it, but I hope the underlying anxiety that causes it can be treated. Clearly it’s worrying him so much that it’s cascaded into this breakdown.

I’m going to talk to a friend today as I’m not able to keep it all in without support, thank you to the PP who suggested that.

Trying to out one foot in front of the other.

How are you @SaltyGod? I hope the doctor was able to help.

I can't believe you are pressing him about cheating and break ups when his mental life is literally falling apart. And you are right at this stage it is not about you. This is more about getting him assessed. He may need to be admitted if there is any doubting he can be kept safely at home. He may need the unpressured safety of a ward environment.

Gp’s don’t know a lot about mh they just dish out antidepressant which arnt always the answer. Yes they help a lot for some people
but
your dh issues are is ED it’s playing on his mind constantly (you haven’t said how old he is)
its only happened twice , but it’s had a huge affect on him.
To him, each time you get together he’s mentally thinking once things gets started between you both is “ it going to happen “
for some reason this has got out of proportion
and has got him into thinking is relationship with you may end in the future

Antidepressant have a side affect on libido
its a well known side effect

id say, through you private health care get him to speak to a psychologist(would he speak openly about his Ed?) you could probably look for a male psychologist

I’ve been through mh issues, and know what antidepressants and mh did to my sex life
”zero”.
So much so dp had an affair ! Please encourage him to get help with his Ed (if this is his only problem?) it could be easily sorted, which would give him his confidence back
Dont suggest viagra

Hello and thank you for those with kind messages.

He is seeking help privately as GP couldn’t do much and he didn’t recommend medication due to side effects. We’ve made some changes day to day and slowly he’s improving, although not fully better. I don’t know what the future will hold tbh.

@Thistlelass I really wasn’t pressing him on cheating etc, but rather he was saying ‘we should break up’ and talking as if it was a given. Clearly that’s hard to hear from my perspective. My life fell apart just like his.