I don’t know if I make any sense, I’m exhausted.
for background I’m over sharing here but I’ve had terrible debilitating anxiety virtually my entire life. It controls everything. I really should be but I don’t want to take any medications, I just take a rescue or something. In 6 months of once a week counselling, it has barely scratched the surface of my myriad of traumas. I’m also autistic.
i’ve learned about myself and what I need to do to make things easier on me.
I’ve been getting broken sleep for a while for unrelated issues which obviously hasn’t helped.
The move is for the best, it’s not as if I have got any feeling that moving is the wrong choice, or that I’ll miss anything or anyone here, I won’t. In fact I have every reason to want to leave.
i had about 2 weeks notice for the move. I’d been using all my energy worrying about getting everything arranged and confirmed for the day. And it only just finally potentially has been, but I still don’t know what’s going on with absolutely everything. Communication hasn’t been the best. If I get there and things have gone wrong, I don’t know how I’ll cope. I haven’t actually really had any time to recover.
I’m under a huge pressure to move tomorrow, funnily enough if that pressure was removed I’d probably be more likely to be ok about doing it.
Moving day will be hectic and cause me to over exert myself hugely. I don’t know where this energy will come from. I can’t talk about why, but I’ll need to talk to a number of people on moving day in person for the first time, and it’s necessary. Not sure they all had to be on that same day though, but that’s when they made themselves available. Meeting someone and conversing with them is incredibly taxing for me, and I’ve been brought to tears before when there’s more than a couple of people around me.
I already know this is a ridiculous way to live but it’s how I live and tomorrow will be too much for me. I wanted to be accommodating and convenient to everyone else, rather than getting a back bone. Now I’ll be even more burnt out and it will affect me massively for weeks.
I have had less than 3 hours of sleep.
I was hoping to sleep most of my anxiety off. But it has gone from being in knots to mimicking symptoms of a real illness, and I get the feeling it’s prepared to get worse and worse and stop me from going.
I know I just need to get there and then that’s the worst of it over. It’s a 4 hour drive (I’m not driving). I’ve not been away from my “safe space” for a year. I know I’ll have another “safe space” at the end of it but I don’t know how I’ll cope with the time in between.