Reluctantly moving long distance for relationship later in life - how did it pan out?

[purpleleaf22]

Name changed for this.

I'm interested, if anyone has reluctantly moved long distance solely for a relationship - assuming the relationship itself remained good - how did it pan out? Did you settle, did you adjust, did you resent having done it?

When I met my partner (both women), 2.5 years ago, I was doubtful due to distance and was upfront that I could not move for several years (mortgage, work, children). She insisted she would move for love as she was taking early retirement in 2023 anyway. Fast forward 2 years and after a long visit here she decided she could not move, and so as there was no future, we split up. She liked it here, the area, my house etc, but missed her country. She is from an English speaking country with a similar culture.

She then said she had made a terrible mistake and could and would do it, after much discussion where she was adamant she really could do it, we got back together and I went for a long visit to help her sort everything out. Now I am home, she is back and forth with cold feet but is saying she is willing to give it a try for 6 months and see how that goes. She clearly really doesn't want to move because she is comfortable where she is, but she doesn't want our relationship to end. I cannot see that she has any excitement about moving, living in a different part of the world, having different experiences, she is only moving for me. She changes her mind frequently on whether she is coming for 6 months or just can't do it. I love her and I fully understand her position but am starting to think if it is so hard for her maybe she shouldn't come.

Part of me thinks she would settle when she got here and got comfortable but don't know how this will work out long term - can someone ever really adjust if they only move for love, or will resentment and wishing they were back home inevitably creep in and undermine things? If it is inevitably going to be a disaster its better to save her the upheaval and both of us the future pain.

We are not at a time of life where either of us have too much time to spend just 'seeing how things go' if we want to meet someone for a long term committed relationship.

Any thoughts / experience of this?

Coming here for 6 months seems like a reasonable suggestion - at least that way she can get a feel for what life will be like over here. Yes, she may settle, or she may not, either way she'll know by then whether she can move here long term. She's the one who suggested the 6 month trial, so she must think it's manageable.

If she's backwards and forwards on the 6 month thing, I'm not sure there's much you can do as ultimately it's her decision. It puts you in a difficult position though and the backwards and forwards isn't fair on you, especially as you have already split up because of this issue.

What have you said to her about how this is affecting you?

Name change fail 🙄
Have asked for previous post to be deleted, reposting here so any replies please to this one:

Her /our original plan was that she was just moving here to stay and we would then work on getting to a position where we could spend more time in her country in a few years. Meanwhile, being retired, she would be able to go back to her country 2-3 times a year for long visits.
When I returned home again and she started panicking about the big move, I was the one who suggested the 6 month trial, to make it less daunting and also because she can manage for that time without renting her house out. I thought that would make it emotionally easier, not having to rent her home out to strangers at the same time as a big international move and retirement.

She was initially keen but has gone back and forth on it every day since. Sometimes in one conversation she changes her mind several times.

It's been extremely heartbreaking and difficult and she knows how hard it's been on me, it's a daily rollercoaster and I've felt like I'm going insane at times.

However the last few days I am feeling more philosophical about it. Obviously in any case I wanted her to WANT to come and have a life together, and I thought that was what she also 100% wanted. I'm starting to think now that even if she wants to 'just enough' to actually give the 6 months a go, she is so torn about doing it that it is probably doomed anyway as she won't settle and will perhaps end up resenting me. And then we will both be upset all over again and have to go through the loss again in 6 months.

I'm wondering if there is any hope of people adapting and things working out if they move with such initial reluctance.

I can't and don't want to make her come, it has to be free will, but if she decides to now, I am not sure how much free will there has been, if she only does it in desperation to save the relationship, that's not really a full free choice, is it....

That's difficult. Does she see that the relationship isn't workable with you both so far apart?

I would definitely stop suggesting her moving here at this point, It has to come from her.

Sorry I can't be of more help, I have no personal experience of anything like this, but I hope you can find some resolution at some point.

Thank you for the reply. She would probably be happy to continue long distance but seems blind to the fact it's not sustainable to keep using all holidays and spare cash to see each other. I guess that answers my question - she'd be content to not see me much if it meant she didn't have to uproot. It's only to avoid an actual break up that she will move.