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Original poster

Met this woman today

48 replies

Lostinplaces · 01/08/2023 21:41

Accomplished, intellectual, awesome career, financially secure, highly educated.
I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others and we’re all different and contribute to the world in different ways but I felt such pangs of jealousy, inadequacy, just a complete and utter failure at life.
Happy for her of course and her achievements, she’s a lovely, lovely person but fuck I wish I was her. Hate feeling so shit and jealous and crap, crap, crap. There’s not much I can do to change my lot for various shitty reasons. This too shall pass, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 09:56

DrFoxtrot · 01/08/2023 22:01

You might think that about me OP, but I've not washed my bra or bed sheets for weeks.

You're seeing what you want to see!

This made me smile 😊 thank you. I too haven’t washed bra or bed sheets for ages! We can be rank together 😂

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 09:58

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/08/2023 22:05

From the outside you might say I have a lot of those things. I am really bloody lonely though, and feel like a failure a lot of the time. But I dont think you would see that if you met me.

I’m sorry you’re struggling too, it’s true that success isn’t everything. I hope things get better for you and you’re not lonely for much longer. 💐

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 09:59

Saturnssister · 01/08/2023 22:11

In what capacity did you meet her? Could you reframe it that you met an inspiration/ mentor?

This is such a good idea. Turning it around to be a positive motivation for me to make changes. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to realistically get to where she is but just getting to a point where I can be proud of myself would be great.

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:01

Tatzelwyrm · 01/08/2023 22:12

You see what people want you to see. People don't show vulnerabilities, they show you their successes.

This is so true and so they should if you’ve got something to be proud of why not show that off? this is definitely my problem alone.

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:03

ladyinthecampervan · 01/08/2023 22:23

Don’t compare the inside of yourself with the outside of others @Lostinplaces

She may well have been comparing herself unfavourably to you at the same time, wishing she had beautiful hair/ a lovely family/ dress sense/ interesting hobby/ less stressful job like you.

Often with high achievers comes a lack of self confidence (a need to prove their work through endless achievements), anxiety, perfectionism etc. I bet she could have provided a long list of her own flaws and perceived shortcomings if you’d have asked.

I know you’re right of course and need to change my thinking. I was a right mess yesterday and not in the right frame of mind to be confronted with her fabulousness (she really is fab) I’m feeling a bit better today and more determined to change what I can.

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:05

FunnysInLaJardin · 01/08/2023 22:47

Ha, I was thinking maybe you met me, except I am fat and menopausal and a bit old so probably not.

Seriously though, I have a good job, a good salary, a lovely husband, 2 delightful teens, a great house BUT I see myself mostly as fat. That won't be most folks first impression, I am a size 18, not HUGE. But that is how I see myself. Mostly fat! FFS

Same, it’s all I see about myself too. Just a fat middle aged woman who never amounted to much despite my potential. I bet you’re absolutely fab though and I probably am too in my own way.

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LaMaG · 02/08/2023 10:05

@FunnysInLaJardin So true! Doesn't matter how well my life is going cos ill still be a fat person whose life is going well. I can succeed in every other respect but my weight. How I wish my personal failure wasn't so visible and quite literally weighing me down no matter what. We all have our vices or faults but I'd much rather keep mine private.

Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:08

HairyMaclaryfromDD · 01/08/2023 23:19

You're right to remember that the inside doesn't always match the outside.

After years of knowing someone, they recently said to me something along the lines of how I'm always so confident, really driven and ambitious and organised (ha fucking ha omg they should see my house) and that they've always been intimidated by me and how easy everything seems for me.

I was like - are you kidding, I'm a fuckin mess hanging on by a thread?!?

This resonates so much. A few years back a colleague commented on how confident and assured I was in my role and that I just seemed to know exactly what I’m doing. I nearly fell over because Id been literally winging it and tying myself in knots over whether I was doing my job right! The person we project is sometimes so different to who we are inside.

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:12

dubyalass · 01/08/2023 23:20

You could be describing one of my oldest friends and I too get occasional pangs of envy when I see what she's up to on Instagram. It's hard to not feel a failure. But I would find her life exhausting, there's no way I'd swap. We're quite different people.

She's bloody brilliant though, she's worked her arse off and deserves all of it. And when we get together (all too rarely, sadly), we immediately revert to the teenagers we used to be.

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ I need to chant this in my head! You’re so right that I wouldn’t want the job this woman has, it seems very stressful and pressurised. I just wish I knew then what I know now, I would have made so many different choices but I guess that’s true of everyone. Hindsight is 20/20 after all!

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:15

AdamRyan · 01/08/2023 23:24

Yeah, I bet she was sitting there thinking "wow, that lost is a lively friendly person, look how good she is with her kids, I wish I had time to be patient with my children like that" or some such. You should talk to her about how you feel! And you'll find out where you see confident togetherness she feels like julia-from-motherland Grin

That would actually be lovely if she was thinking that! More than likely she was thinking ‘god this hot mess looks like she just rolled out of bed’ 🤣🤣 I would be too mortified to admit to her how I feel.

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Market1 · 02/08/2023 10:17

Lostinplaces · 01/08/2023 21:41

Accomplished, intellectual, awesome career, financially secure, highly educated.
I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others and we’re all different and contribute to the world in different ways but I felt such pangs of jealousy, inadequacy, just a complete and utter failure at life.
Happy for her of course and her achievements, she’s a lovely, lovely person but fuck I wish I was her. Hate feeling so shit and jealous and crap, crap, crap. There’s not much I can do to change my lot for various shitty reasons. This too shall pass, right?

sounds like she has awakened some ambition in you - start planning how you can get better educated - what sort of education are you missing?

Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:20

LaMaG · 02/08/2023 10:05

@FunnysInLaJardin So true! Doesn't matter how well my life is going cos ill still be a fat person whose life is going well. I can succeed in every other respect but my weight. How I wish my personal failure wasn't so visible and quite literally weighing me down no matter what. We all have our vices or faults but I'd much rather keep mine private.

same, no matter what I do I feel like I’ll just be this person with no self control and no will power. Just fat.

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:22

@Market1 that ship has sailed unfortunately. I tried to complete a degree twice and dropped out. I can’t get funding anymore. I can do other qualifications to level up what I have now but financially it’s not viable at the moment.

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Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 02/08/2023 10:23

If that is what you want in life then change your life to get it. If it is not what you want in life then look at your own life and list the reasons it is so much better (for you) than her life. I do this when I get jealous, DSis is very successful in her financial and career life and I can get envious that I don’t have similar. Then I look at my life, which I’m rather happy with, and list everything that I would lose if I had to copy her lifestyle and realise that I’m very wealthy in my own way and that I wouldn’t want to lose the life I have.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 02/08/2023 10:27

@Lostinplaces and @LaMaG Being overweight is not a personal failure. It’s not a failure at all. I’ll not patronise you by listing the very many physical and mental reasons people gain weight, I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel like this though Flowers

AdamRyan · 02/08/2023 10:42

Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 10:15

That would actually be lovely if she was thinking that! More than likely she was thinking ‘god this hot mess looks like she just rolled out of bed’ 🤣🤣 I would be too mortified to admit to her how I feel.

Show quote history

Why on earth would she think that??!! Do you ever think that when you meet people?
I can't remember seeing someone who looked a "hot mess" but if I did, I'd be likely to think they looked frazzled and be sympathetic, rather than judgmental.

You seem to have a very strong inner critic. It is not your friend, tell it to shut up. Seriously. Would you be friends with someone who called you a hot mess? If not, don't do it to yourself.

Are you having counselling at all? Might be worth considering?

afishcalledbreanda · 02/08/2023 10:52

OP, try flipping this and saying that today you met the woman you want to become/ be more like over the next ten years. That's the way many of us changed our lives.

What was it about her that inspired you? How could you learn from her? It'll be hard, but even a few steps in the direction you admire will likely make you feel better about yourself. Feeling happier with yourself will lead to new and better things. Make yourself your project. Good luck.

Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 11:02

@Whatswhatwhichiswhich thats so kind of you, thank you.

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Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 11:03

@AdamRyan sorry it’s my style of humour I don’t actually believe she would think that. It’s just that’s how I felt yesterday for various reasons.

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Blackcatsalwaysrock · 02/08/2023 11:05

You dont know what’s going on in her life under the surface. She might be breaking fingernails metaphorically to cling onto that life or etc etc. I once shared school run with a near neighbour, not because we or our DSs were friends but simply because they were in the same class. We were friendly but didn’t really click . A few years later when the school run arrangement had finished (DS changed schools) she invited me for coffee and confided that she had always been terrified of me because I was something like the OP’s acquaintance/friend and seemed so successful and accomplished while she was a SAHM (for no financial reason). I laughed so much I nearly dropped my cup because I had always been terrified of her because she was such a super-competent “home maker” as the US term is, I think. She is brilliant at cake bakes, school costumes, school PTA, brilliant cook at dinner parties etc. None of which is me!

So, this is a long way of saying that maybe she feels inferior to you.

Try the obituary test. What lovely things would yours say about you? Would you prefer it to praise what im sure are your wonderful personal qualities or to praise your having become the youngest CEO in banking history (or whatever). I know which I’d prefer).

HolyShitDrJones · 02/08/2023 11:07

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Original poster
Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 11:10

@afishcalledbreanda thats a great idea and I’m going to try and reframe it that way. It’s going to be a hard slog and take some time and creative thinking but I have to do something to get out of this rut.

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afishcalledbreanda · 02/08/2023 12:10

Lostinplaces · 02/08/2023 11:10

@afishcalledbreanda thats a great idea and I’m going to try and reframe it that way. It’s going to be a hard slog and take some time and creative thinking but I have to do something to get out of this rut.

Great. Take it slowly, think of it as a long-term project. Think of her as your internal mentor/ role model. When you start sinking think to yourself 'What would X do?'

Sometimes we need a nudge to move from where we are now to where we might sit more comfortably.

Sorry, I'm sounding like a self-help book and I hate those. I wish I'd learned earlier in life that rather than meeting amazing people and feeling 'that could never be me, I'm inferior' you can turn it around and wonder how to be just a bit more like them.

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