I’ve been through every therapy, doctor and counsellor and nothing has helped me get past my fear of loud sounds.
All my life I’ve been triggered by loud sudden noises like thuds, thumping, banging sounds. Some things I’m fine with such as fireworks, but a car door slamming for example will leave me shaking like a leaf and my blood pressure will hit the roof until I remove myself from the location.
It isn’t noise sensitivity or tinnitus as many doctors have tried to diagnose me, it’s a form of CPTSD from a traumatic childhood that left me this way. My childhood was filled with violence between my parents, the house being smashed up daily and generally living in permanent fear. School and social services failed me, I was left in this situation until I was old enough to leave. By the time I was a teenager I was depressed and suicidal, I didn’t know what was wrong with me or why I flinched at any noise others didn’t even hear. It wasn’t until I made a life for myself and thought I’d ‘won’ by escaping the abuse that I realised how it had permanently affected me mentally and emotionally.
These days I still live in fear at hearing noises that could take me back to my childhood. If I’m home and hear anything this is when I’ll have panic attacks. If I’m in public or elsewhere I can manage it easier as I don’t feel under attack. I spend most of my time with ear plugs or relaxing sounds through ear phones. It doesn’t work as I know there are still sounds in the background so the anxiety stays put. I’ve tried exposure therapy which made it much worse, and made noises that previously didn’t bother me, begin to trigger panic attacks.
Right now I feel like the child victim again as my neighbours intentionally make as much noise as possible to trigger me. We were friends once and when I confided in her about my trauma she suddenly used it against me. I now hear loud stomping as if they walk around in metal boots, doors being slammed non stop, drilling and hammering most days on the same part of wall (so I know it isn’t general diy) and their children running up and down the stairs for hours. For many this would cause an eye roll, others wouldn’t care, but for me this is a huge trigger as I know it’s deliberate so I feel personally attacked. I know this as I overheard her laughing and comment ‘I bet she’s going loopy, she’ll hopefully be off to the nut house soon’ which made my husband storm around there to confront her. It made things worse of course as I now live on eggshells waiting for her noises to begin each day. I didn’t know people could be so damn nasty. I live in fear of them being home as every sound breaks me a little more. We want to move house but I know I could have the same issue wherever I live.
I don’t expect silence to add, the world is a noisy place and there will always be sounds that are considered normal but to me are extreme. I know this is a me problem. I don’t want special treatment, I just want to live normally without being affected by noises others make. I flinched when my daughter dropped her hair dryer this morning and it left me a nervous wreck for over an hour. I don’t know what else to do. Every professional has tried and failed, I know it’s permanent now but I don’t know how to manage it to live life the way others can. I’m permanently scared and rarely feel safe until my husband is home.
As a last resort I ask beg any of you to please help me. If you have been through this is there anything that helped you that a professional didn’t suggest? Is there anything that may work that I haven’t thought of? Any advice, support or a friend would mean a lot to me right now. TIA.