My own funeral

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Name changed.

I used to be very very close with my brother.

However, as we've got older we've grown apart. We have very different morals and beliefs.

He's so wrapped up in himself and has become very selfish. He rarely visits our elderly father. He has time to, but his priorities are all wrong. This has been going on for quite some time.

I did ask him to visit because our dad was upset that he hadn't seen him for a very long time. He didn't visit and I'm left to care for our dad.

I'm very hurt on behalf of my dad as I can see he's hurt by it.

I'm therefore feeling angry towards my brother and genuinely don't want any more dealings with him. I truly dislike the man he has turned into.

Anyway, I've been very ill. My brother hasn't been in contact.

Would it be odd to tell my daughter that, if something were to happen to me, then please ensure my brother is not at my funeral? (I do know he'd come to that)!

I don't think it would be fair to expect your daughter to have to try to enforce this at what would presumably be a very difficult time in her life, sorry.

Then should I write him a letter myself?

I feel such resentment towards him that I really don't want him to attend.

There are usually valid reasons why adult children distance themselves from parents as your brother has. Concentrate on your own relationships.

If you don’t want your brother at your funeral, tell him if you must but like the pp, I don’t think it’s fair to put it on your daughter to sort out in the event of you dying when your daughter may be very upset at losing her mum.

I hope your health can improve.

Funerals are open events, I don't think you can restrict people like that.

Loads of people dh hated planned to come to his, they were very surprised when it was a direct cremation & a wake they still don't know about.

I'd try to let the funeral point go. Obviously you'll be dead so won't know who is or isn't there, and as a PP said you don't want to leave the relatives you do love left in a difficult position.

I'd concentrate on working out how best to deal with the feelings you have about him while you're still alive, so you can find some peace - go no contact, therapy so you can vent and rant, whatever it might take.

I’m sorry you’ve been so ill you’re thinking about your own funeral It’s bad of your brother to be so self absorbed that he can’t even visit your dad.

But very kindly you would be giving your daughter a dilemma and a burden at an incredibly sad time for her ie telling her uncle he is not welcome at your funeral. Similar has happened in my family. My mum periodically falls out with her sister and has said to me and my sister that she doesn’t want her (my aunt) at her funeral. My aunt would be there with bells on and we would have great trouble stopping her. My sister has worried about what on Earth we do when the time comes. (Complicated by them then getting on fine again. How do you ask, do you actually want her to come now or not?) I’ve said to my sister, we’ll do what is best and easiest for us when the time comes, after all my mum won’t know or care by then, love her. I’d think of it as you are incredibly angry and resentful of your brother and that’s the worst you can throw at him at the moment, a measure of it if you like. But don’t ask that of your daughter, she will have enough on. Sending you the best and hoping things improve massively xx

I don't think you can actually ban someone from a funeral. Churches and crems are public places and I doubt anyone would want a scene trying to stop a person coming in.
However, my sibling didn't want the other siblings to attent their funeral, I didn't tell them the date and tbf they didn't even ask.
You could ask your daughter not to tell him until after it has taken place

I honestly think that by that time you’ll be past caring. Don't load the people left behind with guilt and resentment-they’ll have enough on their plate. Concentrate on the now and cheering up your dad as much as you can and focussing on what’s possible. You could write your brother a letter, not banning him from your funeral but telling him how much your dad misses him and can he find it in himself to visit. Tell him there’ll be no judgement, your dad just wants to see him. Funerals are sad at the best of times without family fall outs.

Seems quite extreme. He's being selfish and not putting himself out for your Dad but there's a lot worse out there surely? My own brother is similar from the things you've said but my family love him so I wouldn't do something like this despite my own feelings about the situation.

You can't stop him coming but you can ask your daughter not to inform him of the details ie not invite him. Do you want him to know you have died?

What if you die before your father, and your brother is encouraged to visit him because you're not there?

You'll be resting in peace whether he's at your funeral or not, don't spend a moment of your time enforcing something so fruitless.

I agree with everyone else, it's not worth the angst. If you want to sever all ties with your brother then do it while you are still here. Tell him how you feel and then try and let it go.

I'm sorry you've been so ill, I hope you have many happy years still ahead of you.