Are second marriages more successful because no baggage and child stress?

[CharlotteRumpling]

Just idly wondering for no reason. I have only been married once myself. But a good friend divorced her husband of 24 years ( who is also a good friend of mine) because they just had too much stress and resentment over the past few years while raising 2 DC, which has piled up.

She now has a new man and says it's so much easier, because no resentment about anything, plus her DC now grown and left for uni, so no childcare or mess or sleepless nights or any of the tension DC bring. I can't help feeling the new man has it rather easy ( this may be because I am fond of her first husband).

I may not have phrased this very well. But certainly in a long marriage there are compromises, so is it easier to start again with a fresh slate? ( Not for me. I am too tired to date again).

Statistically speaking your marriage is less likely to be a success if it's a second marriage and even less likely if it's a third.

They arent more successful. They are more likely to breakdown and divorce rates are higher for second marriages.
Here are some US figures
www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/

Second marriages are usually less successful, presumably because of baggage and previous partner stress. Maybe because the spouses know they can divorce too, i.e. the people who stick at it, no matter what, are still on marriage number 1.

It sounds like your friend is in the honeymoon period still, the longevity of the relationship is still tbd.

I personally couldn't imagine taking on any one else's DC; mine have been tough enough! I guess the stats prove me wrong. I wondered though if one learns from the mistakes one makes, especially those who marry young.

The growth and personal development you go through raising children to adulthood strengthens and cements a good marriage, I think. So by the end, when the children leave for uni, what's left as a couple is far stronger, deeper and more forfilling than a new relationship.

I think the key take-home from your post is that life as a parent of children who have left home is less stressful. Whoever you're with. If you can maintain a strong marriage throughout, I think the other side of parenting is better together than with someone new.

This

It’s often messy and stressful and you have to factor in other folk.

I would imagine that second marriages where nobody had children, ie no obligation to facilitate the ex, are just as successful as first ones.

You have made a huge assumption there that people in their second marriages don't have children. That's really weird.

I was wondering this. In my musings on this topic I have thought that in a later relationship maybe you wouldn't see someone's 'true colours'... ie someone who might be a fine partner once your own DC have left home and there is less weight needing to be shared might have been a lazy hopeless irritating DH during that previous time. Maybe that's irrelevant but tbh it's made me so angry having had previous DP who really haven't pulled their weight, I kind of want to know that any later-life partner would have been a good partner for life even if I didn't find them earlier! I'm not sure if that makes sense, but there is no 'quality' test is there, once the DC have gone!

Yes, you are right. I guess I should clarify that I mean second marriages with no children. The title wasn't well phrased.

I think it depends on your measure of success. My parents have been together for 54 years, they think that's successful but I don't. They have stayed together when the relationship has been hideous, volatile, bitter.

I'm on my second marriage, the first lasted 15 years. Now on 15 years in this marriage. This relationship is my success because I'm happy. I was happy after one year in this relationship. I was probably unhappy just as quickly in the first marriage.

Success isn't about staying together.

I do think marriage is important when you're raising a family, not least as it protects you and your children if you do split and offers other protections in law. Once children are not in the equation any more (or grown up) I just don't see the point other than perhaps for very much later in life with power of attorney/next of kin issues.

My long term relationship post divorce is certainly a walk in the park compared to my married life - so much simpler and if we have children from previous relationships well they don't feel like shared responsibilities like younger step sons or daughters might be - not least as mine are hulking teenagers and his son is a copper in his 30s! No likelihood of having agro with either him or his mum over when he stays or owt like that!

Quite the opposite I would have thought.

Your friend is in a sweet spot in life, where they have no caring responsibilities, so yes, life is obviously easier. That isn't related to 1st, 2nd, or even 5th marriage though, that is due to having no responsibilities. Isn't that obvious ?

I'm still married to my one and only dh. We are much more relaxed now we aren't trying to juggle bringing up 3 small (or even big) dc with our work and home life. Of course life is easier.

Your friend is in a sweet spot in life, where they have no caring responsibilities, so yes, life is obviously easier. That isn't related to 1st, 2nd, or even 5th marriage though, that is due to having no responsibilities. Isn't that obvious ?

I don't think this is entirely true, or empty nest divorces would not be increasing world wide. Why the Divorce Rate for Older Couples Keeps Rising | Psychology Today

I wonder how the statistics for second marriages would look when separated into those with no or grown up children and those that involve family blending. It's a different situation.

Stepchildren move back in though if they need somewhere to live. They aren't necessarily gone for good.

She's in a honeymoon period. That happens even if you do both have young children etc (and indeed one problem is that people sometimes try and blend the families in a rush of enthusiasm in that period and it might not work long-term). There is plenty that a couple with no children can come to resent each other for if that's the dynamic between them. Someone is either a partner that will pull their weight and work through tough times with you or they're not; young children are certainly a test of that but it's not the only one and actually some of the stakes might be higher later in life.

Just that.