Am I boring?

[LemonCookie8]

Hi, looking for advice on something that’s been on my mind for a long time. I don’t think I’d get an honest response if I asked any of my friends so seeking advice online.
I have noticed that whenever I speak to acquaintances they lose interest quickly and I always feel like they don’t care about what I’m talking about. I pick up on body language (eyes glazing over, looking around) as well as social cues (cutting conversations short, etc). I don’t think I talk too much, I actually try and keep things quite short worrying I am boring people, and I don’t tend to drone on about dull topics.
I grew up feeling ignored by my parents so when this happens it brings back feelings of sadness and low self esteem.
What is wrong with me and how can I make it better? I’m not charismatic by any means and I don’t think that will ever change, but I’d like to have meaningful social interactions with people without feeling like they’d rather be anywhere else than there talking to me.
Many thanks for reading.

No real adice Op, but understand how you feel, as I think other people feel the same about me. I spend ages listening to others talk non stop about themselves, their problems or whatever, only to have them look bored the moment I want to speak!

I've learnt not to bother with them and cut them short if they try to dominate the conversation, but it can be difficult if it's your family.

They're being rude and self centered. People are only boring if they're droning on and on and centering themselves in conversation, which you're not doing. Everyone deserves to be heard. I'm sorry that people are doing this to you.

Theres a few tiktok account ive seen recently (although i couldnt name them) on how to start conversation threads. That was interesting. Was about how to answer a simple question in a way that creates more conversation. Essentially people want to talk, and talk about themselves, so create opportunities.

Well, who are these people (you say acquaintances) and what are you talking about? There’s no standard ‘boring’ — one person’s dull as ditchwater is another’s fascinating. My close friend and I both travelled for hour hours from opposite parts of the country to an event in another city that turned out not to be on (friend had misread online poster and I’d glanced and thought she must be right) so we talked non-stop about our current work (both novelists in early stages of new projects) for four hours over brunch, before getting back on our separate forms of public transport home, having had a good day. Other people would have been bored to death with a detailed discussion of point of view and writing sex.

Some of it is also contextual — you could be fascinating, but if I’m running out the door to something I can’t postpone, my body language will be staying ‘please stop talking!’

Yeah the art of conversation is being interested in the other person unless you're really good at telling funny stories. People come away from you and think you're lovely because they felt good to be chatting about themselves. I have to force myself to do this as I'm naturally a droner and an oversharer. But oversharing and chatting about yourself also has it's place because if you're completely bland that puts people off too.

I wasn't socialised properly as a child and find the intricacies fascinating and hard to do!

I also wasn't socialised as a child. I'm glad to see someone else refer to this as an issue . My DF died when I was 6, so we didn't go to fancy parties and things. No criticism I was the youngest of 3 - my mum was just keeping our heads above water . I actually think you're NOT boring because you pick up on the social clues where eye contact drifts, etc . The worst people are the ones who are so unaware of those! As long as you aim to check your conversation is 50 50 or lowered in proportion if it's a group, I think you'll be fine . Make sure you finish your bit by asking people what they've been doing or what their plans are . People love talking about themselves, don't they !

Thank you all for your insightful replies! I’ve never actually considered the lack of social exposure as a child to be the root cause of all this but it makes a lot of sense.
I always ask questions and let the conversation be mostly about the other person. That’s why I get upset when even within that 10% which is about me, I get ignored. I also try and find topics of conversation which I know are of interest to the other person, e.g. things we have in common (like kids with my daughter’s nursery friends’ parents). I honestly can sense the attention vanishing as soon as I start talking, like I don’t matter.

OP, you sound lovely and considerate, and the other people you are talking to sound rude!

But that really doesn’t help the OP, if you encourage her to think the issue lies entirely with other people, and she can’t do anything about their behaviour, only her own.

Obviously, no one wants to be around someone who only monologues about themselves, but only the most limited of people are going to want to have a conversation where the other person only ever asks about them, encourages them to talk about themselves etc.

My mother has spent a lifetime doing this, and now she’s an isolated 78 year old because she always puts the focus squarely on the other person, because she doesn’t think she’s important enough to get airtime, so everyone tends to take her at her own estimation, that she’s unimportant and uninteresting, so no one knows her at all.

And of course this behaviour tends to attract monologuers. Listening to her on the phone is depressing — on a 40-minute phonecall, you will only hear her say ‘How are you?’, ‘How is X?’ ‘Did he?’, ‘Yes, I remember you saying’, ‘Mnmm’, ‘Oh, yes’ and ‘Oh, really?’

It would be easy to blame every single person in my mother”a life, but the fact is, her behaviour is the common denominator in all these relationships.

And yes, she was never socialised to have friends and neither was my father (both from very dysfunctional backgrounds), and neither was I. I had to learn how to talk to people by observing. It can be done.

The first step is to believe you are interesting and worthwhile.