My Husband Wanted Sex When I Didn't

ringsaglitter · 2023-07-31T00:04:54+00:00

I'd felt like sex earlier in the day but life got in the way, and by the time my husband approached me it was quite late. We started to go through with it (been a little while actually) as usually once we start I really enjoy it, but last night I just wasn't feeling it. So I stopped my husband and said "Sorry sweetheart, I'm just not feeling it tonight." "Yeah, I thought you weren't. Anything I did?" "No sweetheart. Just my body - not feeling it tonight. Sorry, but it's important to be honest." "Yeah, it can't be helped." We hugged and I went on my computer to sort out a new recipe I'm planning on cooking, and he did something on his computer. We went to sleep a little later with no hardship between us. That's it. The amount of times I keep reading of women "pushing through for the sake of their marriage" and slowly starting to resent their partners is pretty high, and I just thought I'd give a bit of perspective of how the interaction goes in a healthy relationship. Respect your own boundaries, and remind your partners to do the same, trust me - pushing through will do you no favours. All I have to do now is to teach my cat not to sit on my face at 4 am and my life will be grand...

mummy21blueeyed · 31/07/2023 01:07

Honestly so glad this was the end result because I was expecting the worst with the title. That’s exactly how it should be.

nocoolnamesleft · 31/07/2023 01:09

Was concerned from the title. But as you correctly said, this is what happens in a healthy relationship.

Catsmere · 31/07/2023 01:20

Very glad to see this was the result - even more that your DH isn't an entitled creep and worse, rapist, as too many are.

As for teaching your cat not to sit on your face at 4am, dream on! 😸😸😸

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 01:22

Yup this is healthy. We have got so far away from sex as a mutually enjoyable, consenting, happy thing, I don't know what happened.

Close the internet and make everybody read The Joy of Sex.

Zola1 · 31/07/2023 01:38

So this is really in line with something I've been considering posting about..
If he (now ex) continues to ask when you say no.. if its something specific like letting him film you or doing anal, and you say no a few times and then because he keeps asking and I don't want to make it awkward or upset him say..ok then.. is this normal?
What about just normal sex stuff...once I said to him that I wasn't feeling it because we were arguing a lot and he shouted that I was saying he needed to 'earn sex' and that I was being manipulative.. sometimes he would count the days between when we had sex so he could pester me about how many days it had been as a way to get me to agree. Eventually he stopped needing to do that as I would just agree every other day to keep the peace.
When sex was less frequent he decided it was because I was having an affair (not because I was suffering from PTSD after reporting historic sexual abuse!) and it turned out he was checking my underwear when I put it in the wash basket

hahahahahahahahahah · 31/07/2023 01:51

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Original poster

ringsaglitter · 31/07/2023 02:14

@Zola1

Hi Zola, thank you for your reply. You're exactly the type of woman I'm reaching out to in my post - and there are so many women in the pool with you I can understand why you're normalised to this way of being treated.

Firstly, you said about not wanting sex because of PTSD etc, as if there needs to be a reason. I don't have PTSD around sex - and no sexual abuse - I rejected sex last night simply because I..........I don't know. I just didn't feel I could enjoy it. Nothing bad about my DH - my mind and body simply said no. There was no reason. And there doesn't need to be a reason or excuse. Just a no

Secondly, pressuring into anything is wrong - saying no once is enough. Sex is two people having a fun, loving time. That scale goes pretty wide (some guys and girls love pretty hardcore lol) but it's two people enjoying the experience. If you don't want or feel you enjoy it, no is no hun. Anything beyond that is an unhealthy relationship, in my opinion

OP posts:

Original poster

ringsaglitter · 31/07/2023 02:16

@hahahahahahahahahah

"They say men need sex to feel loved and women need love to want sex. Not sure how true that is"

Not true at all, in my experience

OP posts:

Original poster

ringsaglitter · 31/07/2023 02:26

@hahahahahahahahahah

True on the emotional affair thing - repetitive rejection does lead to this, even against the partners will. Any ideas on how to keep a relationship alive in this situation, I'm sure would be warmly appreciated

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 02:54

Zola1 · 31/07/2023 01:38

So this is really in line with something I've been considering posting about..
If he (now ex) continues to ask when you say no.. if its something specific like letting him film you or doing anal, and you say no a few times and then because he keeps asking and I don't want to make it awkward or upset him say..ok then.. is this normal?
What about just normal sex stuff...once I said to him that I wasn't feeling it because we were arguing a lot and he shouted that I was saying he needed to 'earn sex' and that I was being manipulative.. sometimes he would count the days between when we had sex so he could pester me about how many days it had been as a way to get me to agree. Eventually he stopped needing to do that as I would just agree every other day to keep the peace.
When sex was less frequent he decided it was because I was having an affair (not because I was suffering from PTSD after reporting historic sexual abuse!) and it turned out he was checking my underwear when I put it in the wash basket

None of that is good or normal my love. I'm sorry.

PimpMyFridge · 31/07/2023 03:01

Well said op, it's like that in my house too.
I read threads sometimes where someone whose sense of normal has moved far from this really struggles to even picture it, so if anyone in that situation reads this and begins to believe it shouldn't and doesn't need to be that way, it would be good.
There was one where the op was in Ireland that really stayed with me andi often wonder if she's ok.

hahahahahahahahahah · 31/07/2023 07:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Zola1 · 31/07/2023 09:43

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 02:54

None of that is good or normal my love. I'm sorry.

Show quote history

Thank you... I feel really confused by it all

Zola1 · 31/07/2023 09:44

ringsaglitter · 31/07/2023 02:14

@Zola1

Hi Zola, thank you for your reply. You're exactly the type of woman I'm reaching out to in my post - and there are so many women in the pool with you I can understand why you're normalised to this way of being treated.

Firstly, you said about not wanting sex because of PTSD etc, as if there needs to be a reason. I don't have PTSD around sex - and no sexual abuse - I rejected sex last night simply because I..........I don't know. I just didn't feel I could enjoy it. Nothing bad about my DH - my mind and body simply said no. There was no reason. And there doesn't need to be a reason or excuse. Just a no

Secondly, pressuring into anything is wrong - saying no once is enough. Sex is two people having a fun, loving time. That scale goes pretty wide (some guys and girls love pretty hardcore lol) but it's two people enjoying the experience. If you don't want or feel you enjoy it, no is no hun. Anything beyond that is an unhealthy relationship, in my opinion

Thank you... yes I guess within relationships it can be hard for some of us to know or understand what's ok.

PimpMyFridge · 31/07/2023 13:19

Zola1 · 31/07/2023 09:43

Thank you... I feel really confused by it all

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You're confused because what your instinct and gut is telling you and what he is brow beating you with telling you don't match.
Your instinct is the one that cares for you and understands what respect is despite it being overridden by social conditioning and experiences that silence its voice.