Advice needed please

[Adviceneeded42]

Hi,

I have posted before about my situation but would be grateful for any new advice.

I am male and tried posting on Reddit but thought I may get better responses here.

My situation:

Early 40s, struggle with anxiety (have done since teenager), good friends (albeit don’t see them much as they have families/partner), great family, decent job, own home, generally seem to be well liked.

But, I am lost and have periods of sadness/emptiness.

I am close to parents and spend time at their home despite having my own place. I like my place but when I stay there (4 nights a week), it feels like a holiday and I am then going home, usually for the weekend. I stay up late, eat rubbish, become slobbish…..

I have very, very little experience romantically.

Basically, I think I am comfortable (in some ways) and scared to change/grow. It feels like a mountain. And it seems everyone my age has achieved (family etc) although realistically I know this is not true and many have problems etc.

Not sure what I am looking for. Some advice/encouragement, I guess.

Thanks!

Just wanted to bump this up! Very busy forum!

I think seeing others life’s developing - children, weddings etc has hit me recently and woken me up a bit…..

One last bump. Thanks

Stop comparing yourself to others firstly. You seem largely happy with your life so why do you feel you should change?

Romantically women are likely to get the ick if you spend soooo much time with your parents.

My advice would be to get out there ...you're acting like a teenager. Stop slobbing around , clean your home. Make it nice. Join clubs , running , hiking , painting. Whatever you fancy. Online dating is hideous so while it is a way, be prepared for lots of rejections which increases anxiety but keep trying.

Thanks. I sometimes feel like I am a teenager or Uni student (I have good relationships with friends, family, work colleagues etc, though).

it’s just I have never got started and had anxiety for a long time (which is becoming more manageable as I get older).

thanks!

Do you crave a relationship/kids?
Is your anxiety of the social kind?
Do you feel invisible and that love is passing you by because of this, or are you happy with how you look but just lack confidence to believe in yourself and therefore lack the confidence to engage with someone on a romantic level?

I stay up late, eat rubbish, become slobbish…..

None of that will help your mood. It almost looks as if you are self sabotaging. I take it your parents live far away if you stay with them? Do you take your washing home as well? I'm asking because if you do then, looking at the whole picture, you haven't matured yet and that puts women off.

Start looking after yourself better. If you can't cook decent meals then either ask parents to show you how to cook your favourite meals, or join a cookery class to meet others. Clean your house, take pride in it. And take pride in yourself. You are worth it.

Do you crave a relationship/kids?

Yes but feels (feels not reality) too late. And scary.

Is your anxiety of the social kind?

Yes, but also general. Perhaps around being grown up etc. sad, I know.

Do you feel invisible and that love is passing you by because of this, or are you happy with how you look but just lack confidence to believe in yourself and therefore lack the confidence to engage with someone on a romantic level?

Happy with myself, but not sure where to start…..

None of that will help your mood. It almost looks as if you are self sabotaging.

agree

I take it your parents live far away if you stay with them? Do you take your washing home as well? I'm asking because if you do then, looking at the whole picture, you haven't matured yet and that puts women off.

yes, not in the same city. I can do washing/cleaning etc and keep things tidy.

Start looking after yourself better. If you can't cook decent meals then either ask parents to show you how to cook your favourite meals, or join a cookery class to meet others. Clean your house, take pride in it. And take pride in yourself. You are worth it.

thanks!

If you can maybe manage to bite the bullet and try online dating, start with just a coffee, but have a thick skin. You might enjoy it, even just to get out.

What are you doing to deal with your anxiety? It seems this is the root of a lot of your worries and some counselling may really benefit you.

I don't think spending time with your parents is a problem in itself (it shows you're family orientated), but the slobbing around will be off putting to potential friends and partners so stop doing that.

As pp said, there's no point comparing yourself to others. There is no formula to life and you have no idea what's happening behind the closed doors of the people your see.

Do you socialise with friends or colleagues? If not buy it is an option, give it a try.

Essentially if you don't do anything new, nothing is ever going to change so you need to make a change.
I would say concentrate on getting friends and social life sorted first because even if it doesn't lead to a partner, the friends you make will be great.

If I was set on meeting people to go out with (to meet men/woman) I would try temping

Hey OP, I hear you and empathise, much of what you have said about periods of emptiness/sadness, feeling lost and facing mountains/fear of change really resonates with me as I feel similarly, much of the time, and am experiencing such a spell at the moment! Hence being awake at this unearthly hour, running things over in my mind, when, usually, I have no difficulty sleeping! I have to be up early for work today and must try to get some sleep, but will respond further when time permits.

Not sure if it is pertinent, and I may be well off beam here, and forgive me, I do not like to label people, but I am neurodivegent, albeit high functioning, is this a possibility for you too?

Thanks all for your advice.

What small steps could I take? Or how do I work this out for myself?