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Original poster

Having a baby with no support network, bad idea?

20 replies

NicoleC82 · 30/07/2023 07:42

Hi,
I'm thinking about trying for my 1st child. I thought I'd be childfree all my life, but recently I've been thinking about my choice. I've been childfree for many reasons, but one of which is, my husband and I have no support network around us. I'm an orphan and my husbands parents are too elderly to help. We're both pretty introverted and the friends we do have live a good distance away.
I look at the people in my life that have children and see the importance of have people you can rely on for emergencies. Financially, we're lucky enough to be in the position to pay for some sort of professional help (if that exists?). But having no one to ask for help at a minutes notice scares me.
What do you think? Would it just be too hard to do without a good support network?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 30/07/2023 07:43

You do have support, your DH. From your title I assumed you were going it alone.

RoseAndRose · 30/07/2023 07:46

Agree with pp

Loads of couples have babies without family (at all or nearby).

VivaVivaa · 30/07/2023 07:49

Lots of people have children in your situation. Its really common these days to have no
local family help. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible, especially if you have money to throw at the situation and/or job flexibility. You don’t quantify how well off you are but if a nanny would be an option you are pretty much sorted.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 30/07/2023 07:49

Yes, you are being a bit ridiculous. If you have a husband you are not having a baby with no support network. That is the normal circumstance for everyone.

Some people are lucky and have local grandparents with nothing to do other than look after their GDC at every opportunity.

Most pay for childcare, and for what reason will you need "help at a minute's notice?". Help for what? In emergency situations, you do what you need to do, like everyone else with children.

So you're wondering to have a baby because there's no one apart from both parents, and a paid nursery, to look after him, should an emergency arise.

Ok.

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 30/07/2023 07:52

It's an important thing to think about.

I'm a single parent, which makes things slightly different (so please take all of this with the right pinch of salt). I've had some family support, but not loads; and I've had to really learn (taking years and years) to accept any support at all from friends.

The biggest thing for me isn't so much the practical support for me, it's them having other adults in their lives who completely love, know and accept them. My children have had temporary (some long-lasting) experiences of that from childminders, teachers and youth club volunteers, but in a sustained and unbounded way they only have it from me, my sister, and one very close friend of mine. It doesn't feel like very much. I'm glad they have those people, but I do wish I'd been able to provide them with more.

drpet49 · 30/07/2023 07:56

I would only do it if I have plenty of money to throw at the situation and had a nanny.

Shoulddomore · 30/07/2023 08:02

We have no help from family. We spend time as a couple when DC are at school/nursery/in bed and take it in turns to give one another a break. Yes I'd love Grandparents to help out the odd Saturday night but we're fine. We still do nights away, tend to go for hotels with 2 rooms or a fancy bath so we can enjoy more time as a couple once DC in bed. Some days out are more for us than the DC like long country walks but because they've always done it they enjoy it. It's fine, just more expensive than having grandparents to rely on.

RecklessBlackberries · 30/07/2023 08:04

I don't think it's necessary. It does make life easier, but you'll cope just fine the two of you as long as you both pull your weight.

My parents live several hours away and my husbands parents aren't around (one passed away, one not interested). None of our pre-baby friends have kids or interest in helping with them and our parent friends can't help because they have their own children.

We cope just fine. It just means we rely more on paid help (nursery and in future babysitters) and are quietly jealous of people with more support.

Augustus40 · 30/07/2023 08:05

Well you have each other so not sure why you claim to have no support.

I had no family support plus single parent and it was hard because 95% of where I live have family nearby whereas I did not. Hence never had any help except from the ex.

Where I live it is extremely regionalistic but perhaps you can find couples in similar circumstances.

Whereas I was the only parent who did school run all those years with zero help.

MonsterCalling · 30/07/2023 08:05

I thought you were going to say you were considering becoming a single mother by choice. You are married and you can afford to pay for help. You will be fine.

Augustus40 · 30/07/2023 08:12

I never had all this amazing support from friends either that people speak about! Nobody helped me out ever I just had to get on with it. I did keep the childminder busy though.

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/07/2023 08:15

My parents had no support bringing up my sister and me and so I find it completely normal to be a tight nuclear family without much external support. We now have very supportive families but they live several hours in either direction.

I look at some families around us who have very involved, local grandparents and it honestly blows my mind a bit. In my nastier moments I find myself wondering how much parenting they actually do when the children are off on sleepovers at granny’s twice a week and the grandparents are at their house every day providing childcare but I am self-aware enough to know that this comes from jealousy. If you are prepared to take a hit on your social and personal time then you will be absolutely fine.

hippygirllucky · 30/07/2023 08:21

I had a baby with no one but dh around. It was tough. Life got a lot easier when my parents moved close nearby.

But to be honest, I'd say the tough years don't last long and it'd be a shame to look back on your life wishing you'd had a child but didn't because you were scared it'd be tough (p.s. it's always tough, even with support!).

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Augustus40 · 30/07/2023 08:22

Where I live some children grow up shared custody plus 2 nights weekly at grandma it does sound like a very easy ride!

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/07/2023 08:26

So i think you need to measure the variables

how hands on practically will dh be
how flexible is your job
how flexiblie is his job
how much money do you have to throw at it
how much family support

Lack of family support is fine as long you "score well" in the others. As it is i "score" a medium or good across most of these so its relatively easy. If my dm lived 200 miles away and my husband worked away a lot i would very honestly be childfree

Twentypastfour · 30/07/2023 08:27

I live in London and the majority of my friends don’t have family that live at all close - it’s very normal in cities I think. Our families live half a day travel from us and it was never really a concern with having DC.

Professional help that you will be paying for will be things like nursery / childminder / nanny for when maternity leave ends and maybe babysitters in evening when you want to go out? - some people do this, some don’t.

bakewellbride · 30/07/2023 08:32

I have no family nearby either op - nearest family member 160 miles away!

But once you have a baby you build your own support network. I went to baby groups and have made some amazing mum friends, one of them lives around the corner from me too. It's lovely and honestly I don't feel lonely or like I don't have 'a village'. I have 2 kids now and my friends help out and look after them when needed and I do the same for them.

No family doesn't have to mean no support.

toomuchlaundry · 30/07/2023 08:41

We had no grandparent support as we had moved away from home towns. Not the most extrovert either but for DS’s sake it was important that we built up a friend’s network for play dates etc. Our next door neighbours became like surrogate GPs and were our babysitters.

So you can definitely do it without family around but I think you do need to have at least a small network of friends for your DC’s sake. We moved to a new area soon after having DC and knew no-one but having DC we soon built up a friendship group due to baby groups, school etc.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/07/2023 08:45

Are your jobs flexible/ would one of you be a sahp?

mistermagpie · 30/07/2023 09:22

You build a network when you have a baby, or at least you can. I am estranged from my parents and my in laws mostly live abroad but I have friends from my NHS ante-natal class (met my best friend there!), my kids baby group, nursery, primary school etc and I'm a total introvert! Babies and children give you something to talk about if you're shy and other people in those scenarios love to be asked about their children. When they get older you can get involved in their hobbies and make friends through that too.

You do need to become a bit more open minded and flexible about friendships in my experience, my 'school mum' friends includes one woman who would be my actual friend in any situation, and a bunch of others who I get on with but don't have heaps in common beyond the school and age of our kids. But it doesn't matter - we look out for each other and help each other out, we all know you need it sometimes. These friends might not be for life but not all friendships are.

If you are open minded and push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone, having a baby is actually a good time to build a network. You might not be the only person locally who needs one either.

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