Trigger warning… Did my mom SA me as a child?

[pleasedontjudgemea]

Please I feel utterly pathetic at 30 years old questioning this, I can’t ask anyone as I feel somewhat ashamed too.

My mom was a big alcoholic and crack smoker when I was growing up, I was the target of childhood physical abuse growing up and I cut ties when I had my own children at 22 as I didn’t want them around her.

I’ve been coming to terms with the way my mum treated me as a child but often get flashbacks of things that happened. I was around 7, my mom had a boyfriend at the time (who was genuinely a nice guy and tried to help) and he drove us home. I had been asleep and I was still half asleep when he cut the engine off, I remember my mom turning around from the front at tickling my private areas to wake me up, obviously it made me jump and she laughed it off. She was in a weirdly good mood that day so I remember I didn’t ever question it at the time I was just (as vile as this sounds) happy she woke me up nicely.

I remember questioning it as a teen a few times but always brushing it off as she done it as a joke or in a nice way to wake me up. Now I have my own kids I wouldn’t dream of being so disgusting to fondle my children in that way, joke or not.

please am I being dramatic? I feel so pathetic questioning this at 30, not being able to tell anyone as I wouldn’t know where to start. It’s kept me up at night for three nights now as I’m just not sure if I’m over reacting, I keep telling myself I’m being OTT but part of me is heartbroken too.

not sure if I want reassurance or just a vent.

thank you for reading

Please don’t feel pathetic or dramatic OP. Trust your instincts. You wouldn’t do it to your children. It was a sexual assault. I’m so sorry she behaved the way she did and abused you rather than protecting you.

please try to speak to someone. A friend, partner, Samaritans, rape crisis or a therapist. You don’t have to work through this on your own.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you 💐 I hope you can make peace with it. Look after yourself.

It may have seen SA it may have been that she was going for your tummy and missed. You will never know for sure, assuming it was a one off I would assume the latter and forget about it. Otherwise it will bother you forever.

Sorry op, my reply isn’t helpful. I agree with pp that maybe she wasn’t aiming in that direction? Are you still in contact?

I’m sorry again, you said you’re not. Time to log off for me as I must be tired!

Al the best op and hopefully some more replies with more wisdom come along.

No mother should tickle a child there. Maybe she was tickling your legs but you moved then them while laughing? Maybe she was doing it on purpose. I've no idea how you will ever know. No advice sorry.

You are not dramatic or pathetic.

I am not minimising what you went through but if there was no other instances of SA then I would hope she didn’t mean to touch you there.

I think it would be a very risky thing to do in front of another person too and unless he SA you (which it doesn’t sound like he did) then I don’t think she’d take that risk.

It sounds like I’m minimising it which I don’t want to do as your feelings are valid but I would hope that she was just off her face and didn’t really realise she was touching you there.

Agree with others
You will never know for sure and if she was off her face and it was a one off, she could have been aiming for somewhere else. Especially as she was reaching back from the front. This seems the most possible explanation. It would certainly give you the most peace too.

I don't think posters so far are taking into account the context: she was an alcoholic and crack addict who physically abused you.

So her behaviour was generally far from 'normal' or acceptable and she was willing to repeatedly cross a line by harming you.

Given all of that, I think she would very likely be at risk of behaving sexually inappropriately, and what you describe is exactly that.

I'm sorry you've had such awful experiences with your mother, OP.

Just to add, you are not being at all pathetic or dramatic. This memory is giving you flashbacks so it was clearly a significant and disturbing event for you as a child.

Have you had any therapy to cope with any of this?

It’s most likely an accidental SA as addicts tend to only be in a good mood when off their face and it was a one off. I suffered CSA as a child and it was deliberate so amounted to hundreds of times spread over four years. In the various support groups, I’ve been in, the survivors of CSA by family that is deliberate let’s just say I’ve never met anyone where it was a one off. Abusers usually want to do that more than once. So, that’s why I say it’s likely an accidental sexual assault and she was too high to even notice that she had done that to you. I’m sorry you were woken up that way, it’s awful and the fact it was once doesn’t make it any less horrible. Having a mother who was an alcoholic and addict means you’d already suffered child abuse which studies have shown means that other traumas will hit harder and cut deeper. So don’t think that you’re giving it too much headspace- you can’t help the way your brain has reacted to it.

I think that EMDR therapy might help you be able to process this memory so as to detach the distress you feel from it and give you some peace. I have had EMDR for a one off trauma and it was very helpful.

Her intention may well not have been her own sexual gratification at all, but her boundaries around appropriate behaviour towards a child were, frankly, fucked.

If it was only a one off I would say no. Especially if you were dressed etc.

It’s something to talk about with a therapist, if that’s a possibility.