Pils we are very LC with and dd suddenly asking to see them :WWYD and how to go about it

[PilsAwfulDilemna]

Mn has given me amazing advice on pils over the years.
When I met dh nearly 20 years ago he had an extremely complicated relationship with the pils. And didn't get one or like them much and it's easy to see why. They are highly materialistic and view dh as failed investment on his private schooling.

All the usual stuff, sil is very much the golden child, dh totally surpressed etc.

Rude and critical and negative, fil backs her up, devastatingly rude and horrid to me reached peak when I had my first child.

We stuttered on trying to have relations and constant bad behavior in terms of negative comments etc and just made us feel bad about it everything led us to low low contact.

When dc used to go they would spilt them up and fil take one Mil another... And dd would come back and say in a strange whiny voice " I wanna have a sleep over at mils" over and over. Fil has for for telling people what they want even his friends warned me of this. I've had it myself he's a pushy sales guy.

Then a few days later I would say " so do you still want a sleep over" " no of course not"..

Anyway.... Lots of other stuff too long to list but the repsonse on here is always, why are you exposing the dc when you as adults can't handle them etc.

Anyway the problem is out of the blue younger dc has suddenly asked to see them and do speficic task with Mil.

Now... I would love for this to happen... But unfortunately I know it will turn into a "get them back again session" by fil work long one then rather thanks just enjoying their time with them.

Also fil drilling down into dc schooling and grades, he's very maths based and talks in terms of top 10%.
Her doesn't get other forms of intelligence etc.. And whilst one dc is top ten percent... Lucky for her the other has struggled and they won't get that. Unfortunately all these subjects will come up because they can't do small talk. They are highly judgemental, rude... They will be delving into where I work and putting it down etc..

But my dc don't have other gp and it does upset me that they are all they have.

Is there any way I can facilitate this?

Can I read them the riot act?
Sit in wifh them to do it?

If I could facilitate it I would like too and for their part I know they would be so desperate to see them.

It's better to have no grandparent relationship than a shitty, damaging one.

They aren't going to be decent grandparents no matter how much you might want them to be. I would not be facilitating a relationship between them and my children. It would be different if they had approached you to apologise for past mistakes. However there is nothing to say your relationship with them would be any different to the one you went LC with them for.

I have had to protect my child from my own parent. I never badmouth the parent to then. People can learn and change. Who knows how things might be in future, but for now at least they don't see my child.

@35andThriving thank you.

I'm definitely agree and we have been lc but neither dc has asked to see them before.

Dd is just 11.

Watching with interest

Have you asked them why they want to see them, and if they've been in contact?

We've were talking about something which sparked a memory of one dc with grandparent and then they just said... I would like to go see her and do x y z.

It breaks my heart 💔.

I could read them the riot act but in truth dh has tried before and they took enormous umbridge... Years ago before dc.

I think the only way would be to sit with them which would be uncomfortable for them and us but nice for dd.. We could consider that as a one off..

They have very little family.

No sorry - I meant have you asked your kids why they want to see them, and if their GP's have been in contact with them behind your back?

@Thelnebriati oh, I see.

No definitely not.

It was because we were talking of going to their local home town and also dd had just been cooking something.

They turn up the door occasionally.

But don't have phone no etc.

Just don't. She's 11. There must be loads of other dangerous things you wouldn't let her do, no matter how much she begged. This is just one of them - because they are danger, from what you say - why would you want her exposed that?

Tell her in age appropriate language why it's a no. She will understand more as she gets older and you explain more of the background. Once an adult she can choose to have contact if she wants. For now, you & DH are the parents and need to make that decision for her.

You tell her truthfully that you don't see them often because they are not good and kind people and we don't want to be friends with people who are (insert their behaviour). She probably likes the idea of Grandparents but some Grandparents are just horrid.

I am coming at this from having one absolutely adorable loving Grandma and one nasty, critical, opinionated one. My parents made us see her every fortnight until she died when I was 18. It is shitty being made to feel not good enough, not as polite as our cousins, not as smart as our cousins which was all a complete lie because she told our cousins the same things compared to us, just liked to make everyone feel like absolute shit.

If they weren't your DD's Grandparents would you expose her to those kind of people? Then why do it because they are Grandparents? One of the things you have to learn to accept is that sometimes people aren't the people you want them to be, sometimes parents are shit sometimes aunts or uncles or siblings or Grandparents are just shit. It doesn't mean you should foster a relationship with them.

I think at 11, you can be truthful about the nature of the relationship and why you don't see them. My eldest dc is the same age and I am NC with my family. She does remember them before we went NC, but I've been very clear that unfortunately it's not possible to see or speak to them anymore because of their behaviour. She has gone as far as to ask if she could write a letter to them to ask them to change. Nope, no way in hell. It's not her responsibility to try to fix some broken adults. I think we are the grown ups and ultimately, it's our job to protect our dc from things they can't yet understand will be harmful to them.

Focus on the happy, positive relationships they do have with people in their lives. I had some lovely people in my life growing up who were not related to me in any way, but became like family. I am NC with my family, but I still keep in touch with them now, 40 years later.

"If they weren't your DD's Grandparents would you expose her to those kind of people? Then why do it because they are Grandparents? One of the things you have to learn to accept is that sometimes people aren't the people you want them to be, sometimes parents are shit sometimes aunts or uncles or siblings or Grandparents are just shit. It doesn't mean you should foster a relationship with them."

I think this is a really good way to look at it. When I went NC, I had to accept that I would not tolerate that behaviour from a teacher or another person in my dc's life. In fact, they wouldn't pass a DBS! How could I bring 'family' into their lives who would be barred from contact with them in a professional context? Or on top of that, whose behaviour was so disturbing that I would be uncomfortable with them having a teacher with that same history. We should hold our families to at least these standards, if not higher.

Ger, Billy and mind.

I have been quite honest about them already.
She hasn't mentioned it since... And will hopefully forget again.

It's hugely frustrating for me that she couldn't go and just have a nice time.
Unfortunately whilst on sure she would it would be laden with everything else.

There is also never any humility not even when they turn up trim time to time. No sense of what can we do etc.
Just Mil sulking.

And no, they wouldn't be friends of either of ours!. But strangely they do have very nice friends themselves (