Left out

[Aliceinwonder1]

I feel like a kid in school for writing this but I just don't get why I'm always the person left out no matter what it is, what group I'm forgotten about. Getting me down so much now.
Have tried to make friends and it just doesn't seem to work, and the one person I would consider my best friend just never seems to have time for me yet is with other people. I don't know what's up with me, I get so down about it. Over the years I've been ghosted so many times by people and it hurts. Feels like it's happening again now and it's just triggered me and I feel absolutely crap now.
I think I'm nice in general but am forgettable, always have been I feel. If I leave a job I am never the person people stay in contact with yet I see on social media they all still get together, or most recently a random renuion took place...no one got in contact with me at all even though not all the people there would be close to them anymore.
I know it's pretty and childish to be bothered but I really really am. Always have wanted a nice group of friends and it just doesn't seem to happen for me.
Bit of a moan I guess so I don't cry to my husband about it again 😆

I know this feeling well. I feel like I have no friends and clearly I’m the problem. I try to be nice, friendly and invested in them without being too annoying. I just don’t seem to have anyone who wants to hang out with me or messages me first. It feels like I’m always chasing others and even then they barely reply. My dh and I became good friends with another couple. I was excited as we would go for date nights, game nights and we both became pregnant at the same time. When my dd was born they would message all the time and were keen to come meet her and keep seeing her. The moment their dd was born they didn’t want to know us. Took 12 weeks for us to be able to drop off a baby gift and not seen them since. It’s horrible because it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you .

Yep, that's me too. To the point that I cut everyone off and became my own best friend. I am now much happier.

That's exactly how I feel, I try to be nice, not needy, clingy etc but I just end up being left out or ditched. Makes me feel so utterly rubbish, it's always been the case though I feel, I'm never that person want to spend time with.. always the added extra if that makes sense.
I'm in my thirties now and it still upsets me. I try not to let it but it just does. I feel lonely. It also sucks to have that realisation that should anything happen I have no one to call (bar my husband) as I don't have close family either.

Honestly I wish I could get to that point but right now it hurts and I feel sad and lonely. Also like something is very wrong with me. Thought I'd care less as I got older but it's not the case, I've just got even fewer friends!

I thought I would care less by now, also in my thirties, but think it hurts more now. I see people I used to be friends with going out for nights out and cinema nights and I just wish I had that. I’m also the same, if something happened then I’d have no one to call.

I once told a counsellor that “I’m always on the outside looking in,” when observing others’ friendships, social lives etc.

I think it’s got worse since I had DC, and rather than widening my social circle it’s made it bigger in that I ‘know’ more people, but made me acutely aware that none of these people want to be a good friend - I’m just an acquaintance that they will smile and/or chat to in passing. I was dumped by several friends when I became pregnant so that narrowed my circle even more.

I have a significant birthday next year and I couldn’t even count on one hand who would come to a party, so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it will just be me, DH and DS yet again. In contrast SIL has the same significant birthday too coming up and is already planning on numerous activities that she will do with different groups of friends.

I consider myself to be friendly, a good listener, not gossipy/mean, have a good sense of humour and generous in nature but I’m obviously lacking in something to attract good, proper friends. It’s shit isn’t it ☹️

Hi @Aliceinwonder1 I think that if you had one set of friends and stuck with them, then other people wouldn't get a chance to meet someone as nice and genuine as you. So i would see it as a good thing. You bring good into so many peoples lives xx

I feel this, I see people just having fun girls nights and I would love it but just don't have that. Wish I had someone I could call on a Friday if fancied a drink or something

I really feel this, I'm always the outsider, never that person people always want to be there. I also agree that this has become more apparent since having kids, just made me realise I have people I can say hi to but not call an actual friend.
I also am the same with birthdays, would never ever organise something properly as I know no one would come, and funnily enough have a sil who is the total opposite, has big parties for big birthdays. Goes out to celebrate every birthday or good thing...I just don't have anything remotely close to that.
It is shit yeah, no other word really is there!

This is a lovely thing to say unfortunately it doesn't feel that way since no one actually stays around or properly becomes my friend...it's all very surface level hello etc at school pick ups. So it just feels like I'm a bit non existent at times to be honest with you

You’re not alone in feeling like this. I often think the same. I see groups of friends from my school year who are all still in touch and do things together regularly, but I don’t have that. I have a pang of envy.

I did go to university, so often think that may be why. A lot of the girls didn’t, and they still live in our home town.

Out of my uni friends, I am really only in proper contact with my best friend (who lives close by) and one other who lives in another city. But the one that lives in a different city now has a very different lifestyle to me, so it can be hard to find something to talk about now I’m not freely able to go and visit (have a small DS). The rest of the group are now just acquaintances.

I think friend wise, I would maybe have 5 people to invite were into ever get married. It makes me really quite sad because I’m a sociable person that cares deeply about others, but will admit I am a bit rubbish at keeping in touch sometimes and worry I might bang on a bit about my own stuff.

i always worry that I’m that person people invite to make up numbers because I get on with most people. Just can’t seem to make deeper friendships stick (eg. Had a friend from baby group, we used to get the kids together regularly and now she’s ghosting me. She had talked of coming on my hen (not that I’m getting married 🤣), but has cancelled the last 3 times we have been due to meet).

It's hard isn't it. I can't really pinpoint the reason why it keeps happening. There's never been a fall out, I simply seem to get ghosted, people stop replying or there's talk about meeting up but it never happens as dates aren't confirmed. I feel I've just lost another person in the same way, she said she wanted to meet up but then would seem to ignore when I asked when we should. I got the hint and just stopped bothered and haven't heard from her since. I just find it so weird sometimes.

Completely relate and sorry it's happening to others. The only thing I can guess and it is a guess is that people like us are low status or low value to others. The in the background friend. I've noticed I've been dumped by some for others who are shinier, newer, louder and more popular, the in crowd. I was okay and maybe just tolerated until something 'better' came along, only to watch the same happen to them from a distance.

Thing is once you've seen their true colours they and I know that and there's no going back. They also end up lonely when there was no need. Kind and loyal counts for nothing these days.

I agree with the background friend bit. Always feel I'm just there as opposed to people really wanting me around. And I'm the same that once the trust is broken I'll put my guard up and think well that's that then.

You're not on your own with this. I have always been on the edge of a group of friends or not in a group at all. I wasn't popular at school, I think I was a bit too weird. I hated High School but had a steady core group of friends. After we all left school we all still hung out but sometimes I wasn't invited to stuff. I then left the country and don't see them at all. We have kind of kept in touch. SM is handy for that. In the UK I had to start again with friends. I'm just not good at it. I'm awkward, also over thinking what I've said. I don't want to offend and so over compensate with things I think people want to hear. I did fall in with a group of people that said they were my friends but long story short, they betrayed me terribly. Now I don't let people get too close. I have colleagues and one or two people I call close friends and I have a great family, but I think it's me that's the problem. The older I have gotten though, the less I want to interact. I'm still waiting for the day that I have heard people talk about. You know, that day when you get to the point that you don't care anymore.

@Aliceinwonder1 Exactly as there's no genuine friendship. You were just a fill in. I would rather people didn't bother in the first place as it saves so much pain and confusion wondering what you've done wrong when there's been no argument or clear reason. It was all just fake and a game where you found out afterwards.

@allaloneandlost
The only thing I can guess and it is a guess is that people like us are low status or low value to others. The in the background friend
I really feel that.
Back when I did have a few friends, but we all moved away from each other, the person who was my best friend treated me exactly like this. We'd be organising a weekend together and she'd "fit me in" around her other friends. It was clear I was B list! It got too hurtful to continue when she started saying "not that weekend, I'm seeing friends" which made me feel like not a friend.
I guess some of us aren't seen as friend material despite being kind, generous, supportive etc.
I have tried to make peace with it but it honestly hurts.

@FictionalCharacter It does because we get taken for granted and therefore treated more shabbily. I've noticed a pattern though that their 'real' friends aren't as caring, supportive or reliable and have a shelf life. Trouble is by then they've shown their true colours towards you and have burnt their bridges.

I wish I had the answer and have also tried to not care but yes, it's not that easy. At 51 and a lifetime of this I can't keep reaching out to get the same results and constantly hurt. However painful, it's just easier to withdraw. They weren't 'yours' in the first place and it's a waste of your precious time.

No wonder we live in such a lonely society when a lot of people make it so and there was no need.

This seems to be a pattern in life, so many people experience the same. I wonder what the shiny, popular people really feel inside. Is is a strain being so popular?
After a lifetime of investing time with people I thought were good friends only to find at one stage they ghost, I now just go with the flow. If someone or a group invite me to an event I go with no expectations of future invites. I’m friendly and undemanding at the hobbies I enjoy and fell so much better in myself.
I’ve come to this conclusion after a slow ghosting by a friend of 30 years! It hurt so much.

Some are natural extroverts with good people skills who thrive on drawing others. With others it's fake, a front either because they're afraid to be themselves or have been hurt so it's a defense mechanism.

I also have interests for my own enjoyment as well rather than making friends. You miss the connections but not the disappointment.

I'm pretty good at making (and keeping) friends. I'm not a classic extravert, although I do like being with people and I'm fairly confident, though I wouldn't describe myself as popular. For me, it's always been about finding someone who really clicks and then doing what I can to nurture that relationship. It takes a long time though. For example I started a hobby in September 2022 and straight away met someone I liked. As of now, I would say we are getting close to being what I would call friends, i.e. it's taken about 18 months to build the friendship and even then I'm not sure it's going to work out. I'd like us to be friends but she's a bit hesitant so I'm not pushing it - I'm just responding to anything she does (e.g. offering lifts to hobby events).

I know a few people who say that they struggle to make friends and in the kindest way possible I think a lot of it is down to their own behaviour. One of the big mistakes I see is looking for the wrong kind of friendship - they are envious of surface, group friendships and want to emulate those but they don't really fit their personalities and they don't manage them very well (hence the 'being an afterthought' situation). They would be far better off trying to find someone they have a closer friendship with and really nurturing that but they get impatient and overstep or they choose someone who doesn't really suit them.

To me friendship is much like a romantic relationship - it only really works with a few people, takes time and has its ups and downs. My best friend from school ghosted me a few years back and it's painful but you have to accept it happens - if she ever wants to come back I'll be happy to chat (though maybe not be close again). You have to be open to rejection to make it happen, unfortunately.

I'll add that one thing that sometimes drives me nuts about people who say they can't find friends is that they for some reason seem oblivious to the overtures other people make towards friendship - one person I get on really well with was complaining to me about having no friends having turned down my invitation to a night out the week before (without a good reason)! She might not have fancied a night out but ffs if you want friends you have to take the opportunities that present themselves.