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Original poster

Struggling to make decisions. Would you move?

25 replies

ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 21:05

For the past 7 years, myself (32, F) and my dh (33, M) have lived at least an 8 hour drive from our families after moving away for work (and an adventure!). We both have good jobs but have struggled to make friends so we don’t have a support network where we live. It’s often just the two of us and can be lonely. I have social anxiety which doesn’t help.

We got married last year and want to have children soon.

We’ve been looking at houses close to where we currently live and had an offer accepted this week. However, I’ve been feeling so anxious that we are committing ourselves to having a family and staying for years to come so far from our families.

Our parents are both in the 60s and we now have two young nieces who live close to our parents. I feel like we will regret not spending
more time with them in years to come, and I have a fear of my parents dying due to the deaths of my grandparents at young ages. We don’t have many friends living close to our parents but we do have some. We’ve seen my parents four times this year, and my DH’s three times.

We could quit our jobs and move close to our families but I think we’d struggle to find new jobs and wouldn’t be able to afford anything close to the houses we’ve been looking at in our current area. We also would need to wait at least a year to TTC if we moved, which is a concern given our ages. However, we wouldn’t be so lonely and isolated. It seems like such a big decision as we’d be leaving a comfortable life with good jobs and a nice home behind though.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 21:26

It might be worth adding that the house we’ve just had an offer accepted on is lovely but very rural. It offers much more space than our flat but may make making friends very difficult.

OP posts:
3isthemagicnumberrr · 27/07/2023 21:32

I would move.

Mememe1234 · 27/07/2023 21:49

I would move closer to family if you are not tied down to that location as long as they are happy to help when baby arrives. Otherwise I’d stay where you are and earn more money

MoonLion · 27/07/2023 21:51

I definitely wouldn't both quit your jobs without new jobs to go to. Can you start looking for jobs closer to your parents and see if anything comes up?

smartiesnskittles · 27/07/2023 21:53

If you possibly can, move.

There was a thread recently were someone seemed proud they didn't need a village (to raise their children.) Almost everyday I feel sad for what they miss out on, in not being part of a community.

Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:04

Thanks everyone. I am so scared about having children without anyone around except my DH for support. We’re making all sorts of excuses not to TTC but that’s the main one if we’re completely honest. I’m not sure that we’d be able to find well paid jobs very close to our parents and I know that mine wouldn’t be able to help with childcare etc but would provide emotional and other practical support.

it just seems like an impossible move. My own parents think we are mad for even considering it but PIL are putting on the pressure to move close to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:06

Now that we’ve had the offer accepted on the house and are preparing to advertise our flat for sale, I feel like we’re trapped in staying where we are. I had a massive panic attack last night (ironically while away on holiday with my parents !)

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 27/07/2023 22:16

ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:06

Now that we’ve had the offer accepted on the house and are preparing to advertise our flat for sale, I feel like we’re trapped in staying where we are. I had a massive panic attack last night (ironically while away on holiday with my parents !)

To me, that shows that it's not the right thing for you. I would move if you possibly can (I say that as someone with two young DC living hours away from my parents but stuck here because of work.)

BunnyBettChettwynd · 27/07/2023 22:25

If you're feeling lonely and isolated now a move to a more rural area is probably going to make that worse. Seems to me like you've got to a stage where the pull of home and family mean more to you than jobs and a nice new house.

If it was me I'd go home.

Livinghappy · 27/07/2023 22:37

Can you say where you are and where the move would be?

Start looking for jobs as that will firm up decisions.

Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:42

Livinghappy · 27/07/2023 22:37

Can you say where you are and where the move would be?

Start looking for jobs as that will firm up decisions.

We currently live in Edinburgh. My parents are in Hampshire and PIL are just above London. Both DH and I are in the civil service. DH is confident that he could find another job but I’m not sure.

OP posts:
WeightInLine · 27/07/2023 22:45

Move, definitely. There is nothing like being near family. It’s just so much better. And start TTC immediately, it will all work out.

Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:46

I wish we’d have thought about having kids years ago and made work decisions with that in mind. It’s all we want, but I feel like our bad decisions mean that we’ve left it too late and wouldn’t be able to offer children with the “village” that seems so important (and I didn’t have myself as a child).

OP posts:
Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:48

I think the not fitting in where we live is making things worse. Just last week, my work colleagues were telling me that kids with English parents (I.e. any kids I have) would almost certainly be bullied in Scottish schools 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:49

WeightInLine · 27/07/2023 22:45

Move, definitely. There is nothing like being near family. It’s just so much better. And start TTC immediately, it will all work out.

Thank you. I think this is what I feel deep down but I don’t know how to make it happen with work 😭

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 27/07/2023 22:51

Civil service in the SE is very London centric albeit with some WFH days now, so you'll be looking in very expensive commuter areas.
Depends on your budget

Original poster
ellabellaaaa · 27/07/2023 22:55

UndercoverCop · 27/07/2023 22:51

Civil service in the SE is very London centric albeit with some WFH days now, so you'll be looking in very expensive commuter areas.
Depends on your budget

This is what’s kept us in Edinburgh. Our current jobs pay far more than similar civil service roles in the SE and housing near our parents is poorer and more expensive. I just don’t know if the pull of a well paid job and a nice house is enough anymore.

OP posts:
Thisishard23 · 27/07/2023 22:56

You're heart is not in it where you are. Don't lock yourself into a house there. Move home.

sunsethorizon · 27/07/2023 23:05

I’d definitely move, it doesn’t sound like you have much reason to stay where you are.

If you’re CS there must be some opportunities closer to your parents even if you have to switch departments? Have you looked on CS Jobs?

Even if you moved 1-2 hours away it would still be a big improvement on your current situation.

Lovelyjubblypancakes · 27/07/2023 23:10

Well, I’m also in Edinburgh. Moved back to be closer to family from the South but it’s all gone wrong. I now have two adult children and a grandchild in the South. I knew I was making a mistake as soon as we moved back here and regretted it ever since. Hampshire is a long way from Edinburgh. Edinburgh is also a hard place to make friends and it’s very different culturally to the South. I say that as someone who spent my teenage years in Edinburgh. I also want to move back but the situation has become quite complicated and I feel trapped.

I think a lot depends on how well you get on with your parents to be honest and how involved you think they would be. You might find once you’re back there that they aren’t as supportive as you’d hoped. Been there, done that and it didn’t work out.

I wonder if you’ve really given things a proper chance and time to settle. Why have you decided to move to a more rural area I wonder? What are you hoping to achieve? If you aren’t sure about it, pull out of buying the house . Give yourself more time to consider and really think about the options. Start looking for jobs near your parents and see where it leads.

TheBeesKnee · 27/07/2023 23:11

Hold off on selling the flat; TTC and hopefully get pregnant quickly.

DP looks for a job while you're on mat leave; sell up and move when that happens; you request a transfer when you go back.

Simples.

Lovelyjubblypancakes · 27/07/2023 23:12

Just noticed you said 7 years. After that length of time I would move if you feel isolated and unhappy.

Lovelyjubblypancakes · 27/07/2023 23:13

TheBeesKnee · 27/07/2023 23:11

Hold off on selling the flat; TTC and hopefully get pregnant quickly.

DP looks for a job while you're on mat leave; sell up and move when that happens; you request a transfer when you go back.

Simples.

Good advice

PearlRuby · 27/07/2023 23:19

Lovelyjubblypancakes · 27/07/2023 23:13

Good advice

Show quote history

Agree, great advice. I had 2 DC overseas and we came home when they were little. It was really really tough without a support network and so much better with family and friends nearby.

BunnyBettChettwynd · 28/07/2023 10:52

TheBeesKnee · 27/07/2023 23:11

Hold off on selling the flat; TTC and hopefully get pregnant quickly.

DP looks for a job while you're on mat leave; sell up and move when that happens; you request a transfer when you go back.

Simples.

This is a brilliant plan.

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