Would you ask if nanny can NOT come to playdate?

[AsianRose]

We live in Asia and one of my child's friends is local. Child and friend are 10. I've set up a playdate at ours tomorrow and I want to ask the mum if the nanny can NOT come but really worried I'll cause offence. Basically, every playdate we've had at ours (the kids have been friends for a couple of years now), the nanny has come too. It's SO awkward. The nanny doesn't speak English and our knowledge of local langauge is basic so can't really communicate. It's also really awkward having an adult stranger just hanging about our house. The kids hate it (my child REALLY doesn't want the nanny there and says friend doesnt) as she is with them the whole time, cramping their style. And 10 year olds can basically just take care of themselves - it's not like she's running around after toddlers. I know it's a different culture and it's acceptable for kids to come on playdates with nannies here even at this age. I'm not trying to impose my culture on them but I really don't want the nanny to come! They also stay for HOURS when they do come (and reciprocate too, I'm not complaining and wouldn't mind if it was just the kid).
WWYD? Suck it up as a different culture or gently ask Mum if nanny cannot come tomorrow? I've found with other local families it's a mixed bag but the sending the nanny on playdates has definitely decreased as kids have got older.

Surely you can just phrase it as nanny is not needed, you can look after the child for the time they are there. But difficult to know exactly when it is a different country.

"Just a heads up, I will supervising the playdate and won't need or be able to accommodate the nanny - can she drop off Johnny at 3 and pick him up at 7?
Looking forward to seeing the DC have fun, we've got a great afternoon planned!"

On the face of it I’d say it’s not unreasonable to ask at all, and it’s pretty weird the nanny is there in the first place. But I’m not familiar with the culture and have no idea if this could be seen as a suspicious request and cause massive offence. They’ve obviously got some sort of reason why they’re sending the nanny in the first place, though they may just think they’re helping by providing an extra pair of hands? I’d say if they’ve both been on a few play dates now with no issues, I wouldn’t be worried about at least asking.

Yeah, the thing is the mum doesn't even ask, nanny just turns up with the kid. It just seems to be expected. Same with other families. Nanny just stays 😀I remember our first playdates here with local kids and we were expecting nanny to go after dropping kid but, nope, they stay the whole time.
So I'll have to specifically message her to say nanny is not needed. I just hope it won't be seen as weird or offensive. Then again, we already are probably considered very weird that we don't even have a nanny for a 10 year old 😀

@Fiddlerdragon Yeah, I'm hoping it's not because Mum doesn't trust us!!

Honestly OP, just tell the mum politely that there’s no need for the nanny to stay. Just mention it casually in a text, and say to the nanny that she can pick up at 7 or whatever. I know the kind of environment you mean, I think. It’s not really your problem to house the nanny. She probably feels like she should be doing her job by staying but that isn’t your problem

Dont ask if nnny can't come; tell the employer.

"We're inviting Tim for a playdate without Nanny. I'm afraid it's not convenient to us, to have Nanny hanging around in our home. She can drop him off at 2 and collect him at 5".

Oo tricky one. I think it would be very difficult to say "please don't send X" as it might suggest she's done something to irritate you. I think the best approach would be for your son to ask his friend to appeal to his parents to be allowed to come without her.

Regarding the language barrier, I would offer her a drink and then leave her to it, she really really won't be expecting you to chat to her. In my experience when friends bring their helpers over they just sit quietly and help the kids with food or whatever (my kids are a lot younger than 10 though).

OK, texted mum to ask if it's OK if the nanny doesn't come.
It's a very non confrontational and non direct culture - you have to pick up on subtle signs and I struggle with subtlety 😁 So I've asked directly (because not sure about hints and would probably mess it up!) but very gently, definitely not in the way I would in the UK.

I very much doubt it's the nanny's choice so quite possible that the parents want her there. No harm in asking. I've no idea if it's unreasonable because I don't know the local culture, it seems that is crucial to understand what's going on here.

To be fair to the nanny, it's not her fault at all. She's been more than happy to spend time on her phone when we've been doing stuff with the kids! She's a totally normal nanny. But my child hates having the nanny there all the time when they just want some alone time to be silly and giggle over farts or whatever and just be 10 year old kids! I know at their house, nanny just gets on with her chores and isn't hovering over the kids the whole time.

I would offer the nanny a drink, your WiFi password and a quiet place to sit. Or does she literally follow the children from room to room?

@Jibo
Follows kids around basically.
We offer nanny drinks of course. And lunch 😀

Oh I remember this from my time in the Middle East. Invited a 6 year old friend over at the weekend. The mum dropped the child at the compound gates with TWO women. I was so confused. One was nanny and one was trainee nanny.
I didn’t have enough lunch for everyone. Took the children to the pool and the poor nannies had to sit in the heat fully dressed.
The mum said later that with 3 of my own she’s sent them to help. She was local and used to there always being someone there but I found it very odd.
Anyway. In your situation it could be about transport. Does the nanny drive? Can she easily drop him and pick him up a few hours later? Could you offer to pick up and drop off?

If it's anything like where I grew up the parent wouldn't facilitate the play date the nannies would, and the nannies would speak to each other while the kids were playing. They probably assume that you have a nanny there too. It's fine to ask as you have.

OK. Result! Mum just said OK for nanny to stay home!!

Thanks for the support and advice - I felt strangely nervous about asking this but very glad I did.

@Member589500
They have a driver too 😂Driver doesn't stay thankfully!

I'd phrase it a little more diplomatically than that...
Personally, I'd probably refuse a play date worded in such a peremptory way.