Ending a friendship

[Revolutionaryb]

My friend is quite complex: clever, kind, generous with her time, supportive, discrete, underemployed, does not do nuance and thin skinned.

She and I are part of a wider friendship group which is how we met. We've been friends for years but every so often she will take offence at something that someone else said or did and she expects me to side with her. Staying neutral isn't an option, apparently.

I make mistakes too. Sometimes, I can see them but other times, I really can't see what she's upset about. No amount of reassurance or explanation will calm her down and she has lots of spare time to brood about it, which doesn't help.

I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time, and when she takes offence at me, she will not agree to differ or leave it alone. It goes on for hours and I feel I can't escape, nor reason with her. It always ruins my day and leaves me feeling battered and bruised.

What should I do about it?

Hmmmm.
Think I'd either slowly fade out, or put what you've said here in a letter framed in a way to say you really value her and would like to overcome this problem somehow.

I have a friend like this actually, I think I'm about the only person she hasn't fallen out with at one time or another, but I don't see her very often (we live far apart, which helps). She has few friends left now who have stuck around. Often the upset is valid, to a point, but she escalates it by the way she reacts.
This friend of mine really does not see others pov easily so needs it spelling out and actually would probably react quite well to a letter oddly enough because it would be a clear explanation (this is my experience when you behave this way and it's too much) with a clear solution (when you're upset with me, instead of drilling into me for hours can you take some space away, sum up how you feel in one paragraph and I'll respond to that, this way we can stay friends in a mutually manageable way)... Maybe your friend would also take it on board?

I'm afraid how she will react if I actively say anything that adds up to her being imperfect in some way.

That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?

Hmmm, if that's the situation then there is no way to calibrate the friendship so it works for you both.... We're gave to consider other people or accept that the only people in our lives are those who fit round us or whose contact with us is limited enough for the rigidity not to matter...
You accept yourself being a punchbag for her fully venting to the nth degree at your expense though, she might be sensitive and hurting but then you're hurting and her hurt doesn't get too trump your hurt. Everything in balance. Over reactions aren't fair.

You shouldn't accept, that should be .. auto correct- a blessing and a curse!

The other word I should have used to describe her is fragile.

Tbh I don't enjoy being around her because I have to be careful all the time. I feel like at a moment's notice, I'll be required to defuse yet another ticking bomb.

The problem is that we are part of a wider friendship group that I don't want to leave.

She'd not a friend then, you don't enjoy her company. So just subtly keep her at arms length in group situations and don't encourage expectations beyond the fact you will sometimes be in each others presence.
You don't need to make it obvious you dislike her, you can converse if the situation arises.
From what you've said disengagement seems the best choice.

Sometimes, I can see them but other times, I really can't see what she's upset about.

That's quite possibly because you haven't done anything, she's in one of her moods that day and wants you to suffer for it.

You will never 'win' with her, she will not accept whatever you do to try and apologise because you haven't actually done anything wrong but most of all she doesn't want it to be okay, doesn't want to forgive you and still wants you to feel worse than she does.

It's not about you, it could be any one of the wider friendship circle who is close enough to her.

Her brain is wired differently. Whatever you do will result in the same behaviour from her but I think @PimpMyFridge 's suggestion of keeping her at arms length as much as possible is a good one. Become less available.

As for having to defuse the ticking bomb, that's not your responsibility. If you see she's about to kick off on one in public then let her. Silence is your friend here. Also if her behaviour is just directed at you, just grey rock, she wants you to react. She sets up situations so people react. No reaction means she'll have to change her strategy or better still fuck off .

She sounds self-absorbed and demanding.
I can imagine feeling disappointed that a friend isn't flying my flag in a dispute but I know I have no right to expect or demand that they do because I respect that other people have their own take on things as well as their own priorities.

I think some people get confused about what friendship entails...they expect a lot from people who after all, are there for fun and companionship.

Thanks for your messages.
Some of the things I've read here resonate very strongly - somehow you understand her better than I do.

I would defend her in a dispute with others if I didn't think that she's being ridiculously thin-skinned. Some times I have to really squint to see the other person's act of aggression - because it is tiny.
It feels like she's paranoid and keeps trying to force me to join her in it.

Perhaps others in the group don't like her but only one of them has ever made that clear - in a private chat with me - and tbh everything she said was true.

I won't pass it onto my friend though because I'd never hear the end of it - I'll still be hearing about it 10 years from now and every little thing will be scrutinised beyond the point that I can find anything to say about it.

I'm feeling down today because of the way she turned on me yesterday. I think I'm done with her.

If you can't tell her what you've said here then there's not much point in continuing the relationship as she needs to be given a chance to consider what you feel.

If she reacts badly then you know she will never change.

Fragile is another way of being manipulative and making people think they have to pussy foot around you so you get your own way.

She's tougher than you think.

I told her she'd upset me and she said I was gaslighting her.

Well whatever the ins and outs she means to conduct your friendship on her own terms. Up to you whether it's worth it or not. You know her, we don't.

It's not disloyal to have your own opinion.

This sounds a very tiring friendship OP.
As others have said..distance yourself over time