What would you expect this father to do?

[Wednesdia]

Just curious on people’s opinions. This isn’t me but people I am friends with.

Woman at uni (20) gets pregnant with her boyfriend (24). She moves back to home town to be around family and friends and have her support system. Seems to be doing very well and happy and is due soon.

The father of the baby is still living in the city they met.

Curious on what people think the father should be doing in this situation. I will tell his actual actions further down but I don’t want it to affect people’s answers.

Hard to say without more info.

Are they in a relationship?

Is he working or studying?

I'm not sure there is a 'should be doing' really.

Does she want him to relocate? Was it a planned pregnancy? Does he want to be involved in the child's life or continue the relationship? Is he working in this city?

Ultimately whether it would be what you'd hope someone would do in the situation doesn't mean they have to or should, if he doesn't want to move to where she's living or continue the relationship then sadly it is what it is. It's for them as a couple to come to compromise (or not) - what that looks like depends on a number of factors and what each of them wants.

Is the boyfriend also a student? If so, I’d expect him to finish his degree, especially if near the end of it.

How far is the city from where the girl now lives?

Are the two still together?

I don't think he "should" be doing anything in particular at this stage.

She's moved home to her family. Is she giving up university? Do either of them work in addition to studying? Are they planning to raise the child together or separately?

Depends if the couple are still together

Does he keep in contact, come back and see her or are they separated?

I think much more information is needed.

Are they still together? If not, does she want him actively involved with the baby?

Does he have any other children or caring commitments where he currently lives?

How far away are the two places? Does he need to get a new job if he moves? What are the chances of that? Is where she lives more expensive than where he lives? Is one area better to raise kids than the other? Does she plan on returning to university at some point?

Just completely impossible to judge someone's actions on barely any information.

He should be providing for the baby financially and after he/she is born doing his best to build a relationship.

I think it depends on what he’s doing and where she’s moving to. If he’s in the final year of a degree or there are no decent jobs where she’s moving to then I think he would be justified not following her as long as he can support her (financially and emotionally)

They were together still but now aren’t. I assume because of his lack of actions

He works, in an industry that is rife with drinking and drugs. He’s now continuing to do that and getting a nasty reputation while she is 100 miles away almost about to give birth.

Goes without saying I no longer maintain a friendship. I think it’s disgusting and he does not talk about what his plans are, the lack of which I think means he’s on the fast track to becoming a dead beat.

Worth mentioning that while I don’t think anyone should have to move 100 miles away if they don’t want to, I can’t fathom accepting hardly ever seeing your child.

he works a minimum wage job.

It sounds like the decesion was taken out if his hands - she decided to move back home. If he lives in the city (and at home?), it may not be that easy for him to upsticks, find somewhere to live, and get a job that pays for all this.

I presume the pregnancy was unplanned, so a bit if a shock. How long were the couple together before the pregnancy occurred. A few weeks, months, years?

You don’t know how often he plans to visit his child.

You seem very invested in this relationship.

it sounds like he could be more supportive.

Why does it matter to you, OP, that people have an opinion about this situation? Is he still part of your friendship circle & you find it annoying to be around him?

Overlapping circles I would say.

I find it despicable that he’s squandering away his money on drugs and alcohol when he has a baby on the way.

Many people who know him are getting a bit 🤔 at his actions, but waiting for a lot of people to still catch on to the fact that he is actually a not very good person

I wouldn't expect him to move 100 miles away to a place he has no friends family (apart from baby) or job and is no longer with the gf and has no idea how often he'll be allowed to visit the baby - if only once a week he may as well do the round trip once a week.

What does pregnant 20 year old want him to do? How involved does she want him to be? Would he be welcome to stay with her or her family when baby is born? Has she asked him to do it or is she expecting him to read her mind?

I saw this as someone who has had a breakup while pregnant and the father has now chosen to move far away from me and baby due to finances.

I *say this

I know it will be unfashionable to say but ….. as we have always known it’s the woman who carries the can

This is not to attribute blame or to condone but he wouldn’t be the first young man to impregnate someone and then walk away without a care.
In the past it would be a shotgun wedding. Would that be any better?

I think you need to be pragmatic.

Unplanned pregnancy during university.
They are no longer together.
Shes moved away to her family home. Presumably they had a conversation earlier on about keeping (or not) the baby?

What, in your view, is he supposed to do at this point? Move there with her? Quit university?

What does the woman want? Clearly she can apply to CMS when the baby is born, but he could easily avoid payment for many years by going off travelling etc post university if he is of a mind to.

Is she going to continue her own studies? I know several women who have done just that with a young baby in tow, she doesn't necessarily have to give up her degree.

I would expect him to keep doing whatever he was doing and try to be as involved in his child's life as possible. Realistically, if they are not together and living together, his time with his child is going to be limited in the next few years. He should do his best to establish a life for himself and financial security so he can support his child and fund the costs of being a parent, including travel for visits to see child if he's not living nearby. And he should offer as much practical support as possible when his child is old enough - overnights, weekends away, covering childcare so his child's mum can pursue her education/work.