Name changed!!
Ok, so I know I sound self pitying, but don’t kick me when I’m down.
After a DV marriage I got divorced about a year ago, financially I’m a lot better off, we own a house (small) and my financial troubles have eased.
I should be ecstatic.
However, a serious bout of illness a few years ago, divorce and a court battle over finances and children has destroyed me. I used to be attractive but I’ve hit 50 and it’s all gone to shit, I’m not fat but I’m just completely saggy, bingo wings the lot. I look old and I look tired.
I feel incredibly ugly and gone is the young, attractive, toned woman I was at the beginning of all this, now this grumpy, dumpy thing looks back at me.
Im not interested in dating, but my confidence is so through my boots I couldn’t contemplate it. I don’t even feel in the right headspace for it.
I lost all my friends give or take during divorce, when I was no fun and occupied. I don’t work in a place where friendships happen, so I’m lonely. I got a dog and I have my children, but that’s all I have and my kids are still young enough to need me still, so I can’t just disappear off doing things.
I feel like I should be really happy, but I’m not. My ex, a horrendously spiteful man, continues to abuse me via the children, with game playing, failure to pay maintenance (yes it’s with the CMS) and just a million petty things. The thought of spending at least another 8 years of this just destroys me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t think there is anything more to me than being “mum” if I’m honest. I feel weird not being a wife, and worried for the future when I’m older and still alone.
I sound really self pitying I know, but I don’t even know where to begin with building my life back again or even where I fit anymore