DH have a bit of an MH crisis. Remind me how I keep my game face on for the family again?

[TheHorneSection]

He’s managing it well, to be fair. He’s seen the GP, started meds again, dealing sensibly with the physical issues that have prompted his health anxiety. He’s communicating and trying and do everything right.

But fuck me. I’ve got a normally needy Y1 child and a pre-teen who we’ve recently realised is probably autistic. Everyone needs me. Everyone wants to talk to me about how they are feeling. My f/t job is busy at the moment, Sod’s Law. I’m DONE. Some moments I want to go into the garden and just scream at the world. I’m exhausted and I’m worried about DH (he has once before been suicidal when this low) and I’m worried about DD and I’m trying to keep on top of the house and the kids holiday clubs and all the usual shit and I just want to hide away for a month.

I’ve done this before. I know it will pass and DH will get better. But I can’t remember how I did it before.

Give me some tips, wise ones, before I finally do lock myself in the bathroom for the next 4 hours.

Your hisbdamd needs to feel supported and if you don't make the time for him it could impact your relationship. I don't mean he will talk about nothing than how he's struggling- the last thing I want to do is talk how I'm feeling, even when I'm in dark grey hole I'd rather cry in the bath than talk to anyone. But that's just me.

i wouldn't bother with some of the stuff - don't see relatives, don't promise to take the kids to XYZ just say you can't make it and be at home and let the kids play and give yourself a chance to breath

Who can support you?

Any family members, friends, GP, anyone?

Could your dh have therapy so that at least he has someone else to talk to? Does he have a brother, a friend? Would he try Men's Sheds (forgotten the exact name) or the Mankind helpline or a Mind group?

Can you go to bed really early all holidays?

Can you take a sick day and just bugger off to some green space with a book and a flask of tea?

Could you throw some money at a cleaning service for a few weeks? It's incredible how the mental space it releases can help.

Huge, huge solidarity. I will never quite forget what it's like having a mentally unwell partner. I'm still a bit broken from it.

That sounds so hard. I wish I could offer helpful advice. Though I think as above is good -let some things go if you can.++

I know you are busy but is it worth speaking to your manager and offloading a few things...and taking a couple of weeks off?

You'll be no good if you also have a breakdown trying to spin all the plates.

Is your DH working / at home / WFH / able to be with the children, OP? Just wondering what the set up is here. And bless you you sound like you have the patience of a saint.

I'd lock myself in the bathroom too, tbh. Actually do it for an hour. I bought a walkie-talkie and communicated through that for a few days one holidays when I wanted a solo bath. (Lone parent.) It was quite fun.

Thanks for the messages, I really do appreciate them 🙂

Unfortunately I can’t take any time off right at the moment but i wfh and my managers are good so I will try and remind myself to bring it up to them if I’m struggling at work. Sometimes work is a good distraction though!

I’m struggling with reaching out to other people. I remember feeling the same last time - everyone else has shit too and I hate feeling like I’m dragging them down. Maybe I can try and organise a few drinks though to cheer me up.

He is looking into counselling too. He gets that I’ve reached my limit listening to him, I’m not a professional - I can listen but I don’t know what to say.

Mostly just thanks for listening. It feels lonely being here, it’s nice to hear even a few strangers online tell me it sounds tough and that I’m entitled to feel stressed with it.

You can reach out and chat here, @TheHorneSection on your thread. Btw I think that your DH getting his own counselling organised asap is really important.

I've been were you are now, sorry to hear you are in the middle of a MH cycle. Over the years of being on the hamster wheel I learnt a couple of things.

You have to prioritise self care. You can not provide support if you are running on empty.
Have you a work EAP to access counselling for yourself. The load you are taking on and the burden of walking on egg shells (we do it unconsciously) is huge.

Make sure you take whatever tiny time you can for a walk outside. Just to help you manage your MH.

Share, share and share some more. I didn't for a decade it nearly broke me. Trust me MH is so common you will be surprised at how close to home others are also carrying the load.

Online or in person support groups really helped me. Ireland has Aware.ie there will be an equivalent near you.

I don't have any tips but can empathise. I too have a DH with physical health issues and his mental health isn't great either. I support him but he has nothing left to support me.

In theory I know I should be daily exercising and eating healthy food and going to bed early.

In reality I live off caffeine & sugar whilst balancing 2 kids, a full time job and running the house.

I don't know what the answer is. Don't even have a decent holiday booked this summer either which is more depressing!

Yep, surviving on caffeine and sugar and giving DH the evil eye when he suggests it’s time to quit the few cigarettes a day I have!

That’s a good shout about the EAP, we do have one. I’ll get in touch with them tomorrow. There might be something through our health insurance too.

Back in the day I got good support from SANE - bluntly, because their perspective was mostly about supporting carers rather than the unwell person. It really helped to talk to someone who wasn't either shocked or a bit disbelieving or upset at the situation. No idea what services they offer now though.

I'm in a similar situation with my DH. The mental load weighs you down. Depression is a very selfish condition- it's all about how low the person feels and they can't see beyond it. Its immensely frustrating and exasperating at the same time. I can't be open about how i feel because I'm worried it'll drag him down further. It's very hard supporting someone with bad mental health.
I'm just trying to get out and do my own things - exercise, a bit of socialising and my hobby. Without that, I'd probably be down in the dumps with DH.

He is looking into counselling too. He gets that I’ve reached my limit listening to him, I’m not a professional - I can listen but I don’t know what to say.

It’s good that he recognizes this, keep encouraging him to get some counseling set up. You’re not a MH professional, you’re his wife and it’s important that he gets professional support, because you absolutely cannot give him all the answers.

It’s v. hard to reach out to other people, but do you have a close friend whom you could confide in?

You also need time away from these pressures so if you can even squeeze in an evening walk, alone with a podcast or with a friend (not your DH), do it.

You have to make time for yourself or you’ll crumble, it’s not all about other people’s needs. All the best, OP. 💐

Another here with you in solidarity.
Thankful he's addressing it, that was my first issue if I'm honest.
I was fortunate to have a lovely person to chat to at work who understood. We offloaded onto each other as we couldn't talk to our DH about how we were struggling. I think I found that the hardest, that I couldn't have any issues as he didn't have any capacity.
I did what I could and had to be more realistic about what I couldn't. Like pp suggested, something like a cleaner was helpful as it took a job from me which left me with more capacity for the other things I couldn't offload.
Making some time for me was important, it's the oxygen in an airplane scenario. You do need to take care of you or you won't be able to take care of others.
Hang in there.

Sorry other people are there too at the moment. YY to feeling you can’t tell them too much as you’ll bring them further down, I find it hardest keeping that fixed grin in my face half the day.

Thanks for all the good tips and solidarity. I know he’s not going to be really “present” for a few weeks until the meds kick back in so I’ll focus on getting through these few weeks.

You need an escape, too. Time away from the same four walls, away from kids and work and yes, away from him. Otherwise those walls will close in on you and you'll be the casualty.

I agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup , plan for at least half an hour every day if you can
A long bath , a walk anything to have solo time

I’ll have a think about what I can do. I do shoo him away most evenings recently and get an hour or two gaming in - not everyone’s cup of tea I know, but is my ideal switch off. I tried a walk or a swim a few times but found it oddly gave me time to think and stew and that made it a bit worse.

But will definitely have a look tomorrow at the counselling I can get through work. I’m nervous about letting him know I’m accessing it as it could well set him back to understand how big a deal coping with all this is for me, but I’ll see if I can find a way.

I’m nervous about letting him know I’m accessing it as it could well set him back to understand how big a deal coping with all this is for me, but I’ll see if I can find a way.

Perhaps phrase it as additional support from a professional. He’s suffering from an illness so he needs professional help, just as anyone who is ill does. If he had a broken leg, he wouldn’t expect you to provide all the medical treatment and the PT, for example.

My elderly Dad had lifelong MH issues and my family has often needed professional support. We can be caring, but we’re not trained in this field. He’s found counselling helpful.