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Original poster

It is OK for my sister to go to this funeral isn’t it?

23 replies

obvgoingtochangemyname · 25/07/2023 10:37

Beloved primary teacher passed away a few days ago. Her funeral’s this morning. Small village school, everyone knew everyone, teachers largely all lived in the same village. That teacher in particular was wonderful, a very special woman.

I vividly remember at age 9 she taught us about her sister - having overhead someone using an ableist term she sat us down and very calmly explained about her sister and why she never wanted that word said again. That was 21 years ago and I still remember that morning now.

I suspect for that reason, she was exceptionally good at including all pupils. My sister was taught by her - my sister has autism and fairly complex needs (mostly social/pragmatic stuff).

I live too far away to get to the funeral or I’d go but sister is 10 mins drive away and she’s going with her carer. Said she loved said teacher and wants to say goodbye to her. That’s OK isn’t it? Announcement says all friends welcome.

She’s unfortunately been to several funerals in the last 2-3 years so knows the how things go. Our granny and granda are buried next door so she’s going to go and see them after.

Have told her to stand at the back, so if she’s overwhelmed she can pop out. That’s right isn’t it, I’m sure it would be OK for her to go? I mean she’s going to go anyway, but just having a niggling worry that she might be the only ex pupil that goes (I’m sure she won’t be, funeral’s being held in the village so I’m sure it’ll be busy - but just not sure).

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 25/07/2023 10:40

Of course it’s alright for her to go and it is wonderful that she wants to go.

Moooooooooooooooooo · 25/07/2023 10:43

Anyone can attend funerals. It will be fine

CC4712 · 25/07/2023 10:49

Why wouldn't it be ok to attend OP? I'm not sure why you are even asking if it says friends are welcome and she is going with her carer. Is there something else you are worried about??? Sorry if I missed it?

CC4712 · 25/07/2023 10:49

Will she be missing school/work or something? Is that the worry?

Mindymomo · 25/07/2023 10:58

Perfectly fine to go, she doesn’t have to sit at the back, she will be shown where to sit. I’m sure the teachers family will appreciate your sister attending.

Hazeltrees · 25/07/2023 11:04

Yes it's fine

Original poster
obvgoingtochangemyname · 25/07/2023 11:06

CC4712 · 25/07/2023 10:49

Why wouldn't it be ok to attend OP? I'm not sure why you are even asking if it says friends are welcome and she is going with her carer. Is there something else you are worried about??? Sorry if I missed it?

She can get quite anxious sometimes, when she gets anxious she will talk a lot (although she goes to mass every Sunday and seems to get on OK with that) and says what she thinks without realising others might not want to hear it. My granny’s funeral a year ago, she gave a running commentary throughout bless her. I just worry that as she’s going into a situation where she might not know many people…
hopefully she will.

TBH I’m kind of cheering for her, that teacher in the school was the only one who made any attempt to understand her autism at all - the others would leave her to jt at the back of the classroom, and I’m so delighted that she’s going to acknowledge how hard said teacher tried.

Hopefully she finds someone she knows and can talk to them after!

OP posts:
Original poster
obvgoingtochangemyname · 25/07/2023 11:07

CC4712 · 25/07/2023 10:49

Will she be missing school/work or something? Is that the worry?

Not missing either no, she’s 30 and doesn’t have a paid job - just a bit of volunteering!

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 25/07/2023 11:07

Absolutely fine for her to go, and if she can find the opportunity to tell the family why, and what the teacher meant to her then I'm sure they will be very touched, and treasure the memory. She sounds like a wonderful teacher.

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 25/07/2023 11:08

Are you in England OP? I’ve only ever come across the idea of having to be “invited” to a funeral in England. Of course she should go and I’m sure it will bring your late teacher’s family comfort to know she made such an impact.

squashyhat · 25/07/2023 11:19

You don't have to be invited to a funeral in England.

Original poster
obvgoingtochangemyname · 25/07/2023 11:26

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 25/07/2023 11:08

Are you in England OP? I’ve only ever come across the idea of having to be “invited” to a funeral in England. Of course she should go and I’m sure it will bring your late teacher’s family comfort to know she made such an impact.

Scotland but I feel a bit daft - I should ‘know’ these things but this is the first time I’ve had to advise sister on this sort of thing without any input from our parents, grandparents etc - her carer rang me earlier too and said, ‘anyone can go can’t they?’ and we did decide it should be fine. I’m sure it will be. I wish I could have gone with her, she was a superb teacher.

OP posts:
MargosMangos · 25/07/2023 11:31

I think it's really touching that she wants to go and say her goodbyes. If the family are anything like the teacher she'll be welcomed with open arms

NumberFortyNorhamGardens · 25/07/2023 11:32

It’s all fine and you don’t have to be invited. Funerals are officially community occasions, not strictly private ones. Your sister might even be more than welcome at the wake.

(That said, my ex boyfriend turned up at my DF’s funeral and that was a bit awkward 😳).

JenniferBarkley · 25/07/2023 11:36

obvgoingtochangemyname · 25/07/2023 11:26

Scotland but I feel a bit daft - I should ‘know’ these things but this is the first time I’ve had to advise sister on this sort of thing without any input from our parents, grandparents etc - her carer rang me earlier too and said, ‘anyone can go can’t they?’ and we did decide it should be fine. I’m sure it will be. I wish I could have gone with her, she was a superb teacher.

Show quote history

You could send a card that says something similar to your OP?

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 25/07/2023 11:38

OP my granny was a learning support teacher in a smallish town in Scotland and when she died the church was packed with former pupils. It meant so much to my mum and her sisters.

Pippylongstock · 25/07/2023 11:41

This made be cry. What a wonderful teacher and so wonderful that your sister wants to go. I do get your hesitation, I have felt that with funerals of people who aren’t good friends or family members. I think it’s a generational thing, my mum says always go, it’s lovely for the family to see a full church. As someone else said, if she can tell the family why she went I’m sure they would love to hear it.

Spidey66 · 25/07/2023 11:44

I know you know your sister much better than 7s but I think it's fine. The teacher sounds very, very kind and it seems this has left her mark. If she's as kind as you describe, I'm sure they'll be other past pupils. xxx

LakeTiticaca · 25/07/2023 12:29

Yes she should go. Her family will be heartened to know so many want to pay their respects x

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 25/07/2023 13:46

Of course it's ok . Your teacher sounds wonderful, how wonderful that you what she taught you about how to treat people 21 years later.

Original poster
obvgoingtochangemyname · 25/07/2023 14:22

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 25/07/2023 13:46

Of course it's ok . Your teacher sounds wonderful, how wonderful that you what she taught you about how to treat people 21 years later.

I’ve never forgotten her sister. I think the impact came from the fact that she didn’t shout, didn’t get angry with anyone but used it as a real opportunity to educate. That takes a very special person to be able to do that.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia at age 6/7ish and I remember other teachers were disinterested or patronising - particularly when it came to PE - she never shouted or laughed, would very gently encourage to try a different way. Remember her patience when teaching me how to swim and encouraging me to use the skills I did have, rather than endlessly focusing on what I couldn’t do. I owe her a lot - a lot of very, very happy memories, I’ve known her since I was three years old, now 32. Her daughter used to come through to my nursery class when I was three and would take me through for whole school PE (don’t ask - my granny was the PE teacher for my first three years at school and insisted every morning started with the entire school doing 20 minutes of dancing…)

Anyway - sister went and said she found it very moving, said the church was packed out. She didn’t recognise anyone - though stood right at the back - but she’s very glad she went. And went and popped some flowers down for our grandparents too, so that’s lovely.

I might try to send a card to her daughter - I haven’t got contact details for her directly but I could send a letter to the school, I know at least one of the teachers I had still works there now (goodness knows how, she must be mid 70s) - I’m sure when they reopen they could forward the card on.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 25/07/2023 15:00

@obvgoingtochangemyname

Her daughter used to come through to my nursery class when I was three and would take me through for whole school PE (don’t ask - my granny was the PE teacher for my first three years at school and insisted every morning started with the entire school doing 20 minutes of dancing…)

What a very lovely way to start the day! 🌹

JaninaDuszejko · 25/07/2023 15:08

Did you send a card? If you've not done it yet please write and include some of the stories you've included in this thread. It's so nice to hear from others who have known your loved one and can tell you lovely stories about them you didn't necessarily know.

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