Rant ahead, just needing a bit of hand holding I think. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 10, late 20s now, so should probably be used to this feeling but here we are!
I’m just so fed up. I feel like life is just drifting along, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t enjoy anything. It’s not that I’m sad or even generally negative, it’s more that there’s just nothing there where my emotions should be. I get up, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat. Not much goes through my head except for “do this, do that, elevator music, hey look it’s a dog, food, tired.” It’s like there’s a wall in my brain that nothing gets through, except for survival things like eat, sleep, make money, etc.
I got a promotion recently, and I’m delighted - financially. But emotionally? Meh. Ok. Cool.
I have no social life, don’t really want one at this stage either. Being on my own is easier. No DH, no kids. Thought I’d be married, or at least in a stable relationship by now. Men don’t know I exist because I’m on the heavier and more silent side. Lots of health issues too, so socializing is hard because I’m either in pain, depressed or tired.
I know it sounds like a silly comparison, but I genuinely feel like Squidward from SpongeBob, when he just couldn’t find joy in anything he did (gif below). I have a lovely family - my parents are brilliant, and my siblings are my best friends. I’d do anything for my nieces and nephews. But I just don’t feel anything other than tired. When I’m with them, I smile and laugh, but then it’s just gone.
When I think about the future, it’s just cloudy. Dull. I’ve always felt like that though, to the point I was convinced it was a premonition and there was no future for me, like I’d die before I lived sorta thing. Morbid but anyway.
I went through a major depressive episode in 2021. It got really bad (REALLY bad). I’m not to that point right now, so no one needs to worry, but I just really feel like life is not all it’s cracked up to be. For some people, it’s magical, and wonderful, and even the darkest times make way for the lighter times. But for some people, like me for instance, life just seems to be a long lesson in nothing
So yeah, idk. My life is basically just that one emoticon. You know, the shrug one?
¯\(ツ)/¯