How much energy do you have and how do I get some

[spitefulandbadgrammar]

42 next month. Two DC – DD4 about to start school in September, a firecracker livewire high-energy kid. DS seven months – has finally started sleeping, hallelujah! From 15-20 wakes a night to sleeping through (mostly) in his own room, fully night weaned. But I’m still exhausted 😭

I definitely sleep better before DP comes to bed like a herd of elephants. If we had a spare room I’d take it over in a heartbeat but it’s not an option.

Is it age? Recovering from the oh-so-very-bad sleep? (it’s only been a couple of weeks and he’s not a guaranteed sleep-through so there are a few 4am resettles 😴.) DP’s snoring? Two children under 5? The relentlessness of small babies needing meals and breastfeeds and nappies and entertaining all day? Postpartum depletion? Perimenopause?

I’m up c. 6.30am with one or the other DC. DD goes to bed at 8pm. The chores/house reset takes til 8.30-8.45pm then I crash completely at 9.30pm; anything beyond that I’m just a brain-fogged husk. But in my old life I was a novelist on top of my day job and my agent wants a new book from me. I thought once DS slept I’d stay up burning the midnight oil but I can’t! I want to but my decrepit body can’t even doomscroll after a certain time.

Tell me your secrets to energy, mojo, vivacity! Vitamins? Exercise? Woo? Sleeping alone? The end of maternity leave?

Honestly, I feel like it took me at least a year to feel even vaguely normal once my DC started sleeping through, and even now I feel almost murderously ragey if my sleep is interrupted for any reason, and they're 7 and 10. You're knackered because you have two very small children and they are hyperactive permanently needy energy drains.

But also make sure you're getting enough vitamin D because that also helps.

I have iron infusion every 6 months or so...that seems to help 😬

It is worth getting thyroid and iron levels checked etc, and there are some good suggestions on the thread re: healthy eating and exercise. But honestly I think this level of exhaustion is often part and parcel of having small children. Mine are 7 and nearly 4 and I feel like I’m just coming out the other side.

I feel your pain 😩

What I’d do:

Squeeze out as much sleep as possible - Make a bed on the living room floor and take turns with DH to sleep upstairs and be on ‘night duty’ for kids. Earplugs and eyemask. Get a full nights sleep every other night. Afternoon nap (when you’re off work) when little one naps, take turns to look after the eldest child. You’re doing the right thing going to bed early when your exhausted. Don’t try to make yourself push through. Will DH go to bed early with you so he done at wake you?

Best diet you can eat - protein, carbs and fat in every meal. Don’t eat low fat, we need fat for energy. Eat plenty of healthy fats - avocados, olive oil, oily fish, nuts, seeds. Don’t underestimate how much this can help. Plenty of fruit + veg - 5-10 portions a day. Plenty of water.

See your GP and ask them to run blood tests. They can be dismissive when you have young children and put it all down to lack of sleep. Just tell them both kids are sleeping through night and you’re still exhausted otherwise they might not offer bloods. Get medication/supplements based on these if required.

Exercise increases energy (providing you don’t have energy related illness eg ME/CFS).

For me it is -

1. Holland and Barrett High Strength Ultra Women Multivitamins (which I buy buy 1 get 1 in large bottles) and take 1 at night

1. A glass of Berocca at 1 pm

1. Three gym classes a week - for me it’s Body Balance which is a relatively high pace combination of yoga, Pilates and tai chi ending with a relaxation

1. 3 litres water.

And then I can just about cope.

If you have your children late like I had ds age 41 then many years were perimenopausal. Not fun! He is 18 now but I am nearly 60 lol .....

I eat healthily regular walking plenty sleep and vitamins. Early to bed!

I don't know but hard hard HARD identify.

Actually two things have helped me recently. One was trying to have some actual fun - making myself go out to the cinema and getting a mental break.

The other is that our daughter was diagnosed with anaemia and the NHS gave us a bottle of iron so huge it would last five times the period before it expires. A daily dose really helps.

I have 3kids - baby wakes 1/2 times a night and have a 5:30riser so not much sleep here. The one thing that has given me more energy is exercise. I started running/gym when baby was 4months old and lost over 4stone. I don't know if it was the weight loss or the exercise but it made a noticeable difference.

Although your life may well just be exhausting I would check that there aren't any other contributing factors. I was very deficient in vitamin D and iron and was prescribed a large amount to get them back up and now take daily. As others have said B12 deficiency could also be an issue. I am still in bed early and can't stay up but in a very different way to before. I think a blood test to rule things out would be a good idea before making any other changes.

I can empathise I remember those days well, it’s so exhausting. But it will get easier, I promise you it does. Do whatever you need to to get through it

Did you manage to write after DD1?

Also, although I'm sorry this is not what you would want to hear (and to a lesser degree in that no agent would ever wait on me) writing is also a huge part of my life and it just went away for a while.

That part of my brain, which recasts situations and characters and is always ticking away, was just absent in the early days of having children. It really spooked me, having been a constant companion since childhood.

It came back naturally when our babies were 18 months or so, but it may just be that it is too much for a while. If it feels harder than it ought to, I wouldn't worry but also I wouldn't try to force it more than you absolutely have to, as I think you would find it frustrating and painful.

@NoSquirrels Eventually! It took until she slept, then I got stuck in. Much slower than before and I had to have a job I coasted in a bit, and a helpful pandemic to cut the commute. Then I got pregnant and was too exhausted! It doesn’t help that my day job is writing so I tap it out by the time my 9pm writing slot comes around. I briefly tried retraining with a whimsical notion I could be a gardener and do a physical, outdoors job in the day and use my words at night but I didn’t have the energy! 🥴

@JennyForeigner It’s so tough, isn’t it? I feel like a huge chunk of my brain, and therefore me, is missing. I did write 20k when DS was a dream newborn and just slept all the time, so it is possible. But possibly post-birth euphoria/hormones? I was also sleeping in till 10am while DP did the nursery run whereas now I’m up at 5am a lot!

Definitely going to book a GP appointment as I feel so depleted in a way DP doesn’t! He also has the skill of five-minute sofa dozes or falling back asleep if there’s a night wake; I’ve been up since 2am grinding my teeth!