Is a birthday text enough from your mum?

[toodledo]

I've had a tumultuous relationship with my mum for years. Lots of family drama and her partner and I don't get on (he's violent towards women). She has made it clear she wants to improve our relationship however, especially since I've had a DC of my own.

I have fairly low expectations when it comes to birthdays and things, but this year she just sent me a text. No call, no birthday card. Is this standard or considered pretty shit? Not the first year she's done this.

Genuine question here. My relationship with my mum has been so off track for so long I have no idea what's normal or if other people would consider this pretty poor form.

For the record I always at least send her a card and call her on her birthday.

It’s not usual when you have a normal relationship with your mum - but, if there’s a history of that relationship being dysfunctional, it’s difficult to compare how things like birthdays, anniversaries etc are acknowledged (if at all).

The fact that she does call and text usually and often asks to see me means she's trying to make an effort, but barely acknowledging a birthday shows me different. It's so inconsistent, but that's the usual from her tbh

Depends entirely on the relationship Op

and it would seem that this relationship is one where limited contact as possible ie a birthday text, is very healthy indeed

Is it the abusive partner not allowing her ?

It depends on a lot of things, really.

We don't "do" cards in our family so the lack of card wouldn't mean anything. My mum would also probably text rather than call as I'm normally at work and unable to answer my phone - I'd then ring her back when I was free.

But we have a good relationship and communicate regularly by text so that's normal for us. If your mum normally calls and sends a card but hasn't bothered this year, I can understand you being upset.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast it varies, sometimes she calls and sends a card, other years she doesn't bother.

I guess my view is: if you're trying to improve things, always asking to see me, but then don't make any effort on your daughters birthday, what kind of mixed signal is that? Do you give a f*ck about me or not? I can't imagine not sending my DC a card and calling them as the BARE minimum...

I'd also be upset at the mixed messages, especially if you always send a card on her birthday. I have f&f where either a card or text/call (or both) is usual but it's consistent between us. The inconsistency would wind me up!

I think it indicates that she only makes an effort when it suits her. If she's busy with other things, then you're not a priority. If she has a quiet spell and has some spare time then suddenly she makes the effort to contact you. But she won't carve out that time in an otherwise busy period.

I have a good relationship with my mom - she's actually living with me now for the past few yrs and she never remembers my birthday! I'm one of two children and my brother is dead so I'm literally the only child now and she still doesn't remember or mention my birthday!
I used to make a deal of her birthday but I've long since stopped. Since she moved in, I now buy her a cake but only because my kids are into cakes! That's all she's getting. She can't have it both ways!