When other children snatch off your child

[wellies7]

Just looking for advice on what others do in this situation. It happens almost every time we go to soft play, stay and plays and playgroups etc. DS is 21 months, examples from this week are on Sunday when we went to a garden centre with a soft play he had got out the toy lawnmower and just started to push it when a slightly older boy came and snatched it off him and started pushing it around, DS just watched and got upset about it. Parents sat at a table close by and watched and didn't do anything. Today we went to a soft play and in the under 2 section DS had just started to play with a ball (he absolutely loves balls) when a kid a similar age just snatched it right out his hands making DS upset. I was right outside the section sitting on the table next to his mum who watched it happen and stayed mute. I went and found another ball for DS and told DS it really wasn't kind of the boy to snatch it off him (the mum would of overhead and still stayed silent).

I know some kids will snatch, my issue is the parents who watch and don't do anything about it. If DS ever snatched I would go straight over and tell him no we don't snatch and give it back to the child, while also finding him something similar for him. It happens every time we go anywhere, not long ago we were at a playgroup and DS was sitting playing with the building blocks when another kid came over and stamped on his hand and then a bit later on pushed him over, completely unprovoked and his mum did absolutely nothing, it really upset me and I feel like I had let him down by not saying anything to the parent. It's safe to say we never returned there.

I'm a quiet person in general however unsure if I should be more assertive in these situations so was hoping for some advice on what others do when this happens to their children of a similar age, maybe I'm being too precious but he's my first and I'm still learning to navigate all this. My god just realised how much I've rambled, sorry! I just needed to rant about it also. Thanks for getting this far if you did.

I tend to say “Oh, DD, that wasn’t very nice that that boy took your toy, was it? Let’s go find something else to play with”.

It’s not my job to parent the other child but I can teach my own that it’s not acceptable.

(I do say it in a loud enough voice that the parents can hear but in my experience they don’t give a damn!)

Yeah that's pretty much exactly what I said, and I also said it in a louder voice so that the mum could here, but she couldn't of been less interested. It's really shocked me how many parents just couldn't care less about their child upsetting others and don't teach them to be kind.

I would tell the other child to give it back/not hurt my child. I don't mind if it gets me into trouble with the parents.

You can either distract your child like @ShadowPuppets does or you could go and take the toy back, saying “sorry, this was dc’s turn, you need to wait until they are finished and then it will be your turn”. I am not British / polite and would go for option 2…

It’s shit isn’t it? But sad to say it’s going to be the start of CFer families forever. Better to know how to manage it than try and change them which you won’t sadly

Oh I’d love to do it but in my experience these type of parents don’t react and then your kid is left looking at you like ‘what went wrong mummy?’. I’d rather just try and control the bits I can. Fair play to anyone who tries to actually tackle it at the source though!

when they were that age I tended to stick to playgroup situations (where we knew most / all the others) and I didn’t really leave them alone for long. I would stay close enough that if either my DC or another one started to snatch or push or get upset, I’d be there to distract them and help them learn. I would happily play with other people’s kids, alongside my own. As soon as it looked like they were getting on fine, I’d step back and let them get on with it. As soon as it started getting a bit aggro I’d step in and distract them both.

i think it’sa bit unrealistic to expect 2 yr old to know how to share. So I’d get in the playpen and show them, though play.

My perspective on this is that if you're at a soft play / playdate with other kids in the toddler / preschool range is that kids lack impulse control. Other people's kids will snatch things, your kid will snatch things. You can't control other people's children, and I personally don't view any malice in children behaving their age, so I wouldn't be making loud comments about something "not being kind".

If another child snatches off my child and my child is upset, I'd go over and sportscast neutrally and empathetically: "oh, the other child took the toy and that's made you sad. I'm sorry. Is there anything else you want to play with?"

If my child did the snatching and the other child was upset, I'd go over and sportscast similarly: "you took the toy off that little boy and he's sad. He was playing with it so I'd like you to give it back. You can play with it once he's done". But in this situation I would also vary my response depending on the relative level of reactions / interest. I have some friends with very similar parenting approaches and when our toddlers are interested in the same toy sometimes we stop and wait - and quite often one kid (even the one "snatched from") will very rapidly shrug and find themselves something else to play with, since at that age children DO tend to cycle between toys and activities pretty rapidly. But I'd certainly intervene if my kid interrupted another who had been having focussed play with an item and was really distressed at it being taken. But two kids running towards the same toy and the older being faster and grabbing it in a way that seems rude to an adult... there I'd focus my empathy on the child who "lost out" rather than trying to police the other child.

I’m not averse to intervening with other peoples children if necessary. If the child is old enough to understand (which generally if parent is out of sight they are) I’ll say ‘oh actually we were paying with that, you can have it after’ and will gently take it back if possible. I have told older kids off (6+) for pushing my daughter (4 or younger) cos it’s just not ok.

on one occasion I told a tiny kid off (under 2) as he had his hands properly in my daughters hair and was pulling, didn’t let go even while she screamed! I went over and told him off, a kid around 8-9 then came over and took him away. About 2 hours later the mother came over to me to have a go that I’d told her kid off! The older kid had told her what happened and pointed me out. She’d gone to move her car (5 mins walk away!) and left a toddler in charge of a meek 8 year old who clearly couldn’t control him. Unbelievable.

Just to be clear, I would also tell my daughter off if she snatched something and give it back, and definitely step in if she hurt another child (though this has never happened). I spent the first couple of years just letting other children take things off her and distracting her but then I thought, what am I teaching her? Hence I now intervene.

If my child was really upset by it I would talk to them but otherwise kids will learn to work things out for themselves

I take the toy back off the offending child, saying something like 'I'm sorry, Ds is paying with that right now but it'll be your turn soon' and give it back to DS.

If you sit back and let it happen, that's what you teach your DS. Model being polite and kind, but also assertive.

Was at a (huge)park the other day with huge sandpit. DS 4 playing nicely. A child aged maybe 4 came upto me and threw sand in my face. I said ‘oh no, that’s not nice, we shouldn’t throw sand.’ No parents around to be seen.

went on to throw sand at my DS. I said ‘this boy isn’t playing nicely so we’re going to move away because I don’t want sand in your eyes. Let’s go over here.’ still no sign of parent.

child continued to throw sand at other children, an older boy of about 8 who threw it back and was then confronted by boy and is cousin (6ish). the poor older boy was ticking really badly and clearly overwhelmed while trying to verbally defend his retaliation. Again looked round and no parents obviously nearby.

then a tiny boy of around 2 ends up with face/eyes full of sand and parent finally intervenes and appears from other side of park.

there is only so much you can do to discourage another child. It would be the parents I’d be annoyed with for lack of supervision. I can’t get my head round kids that young just being left to it when we all know they’re unpredictable and can make the wrong choices.