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Original poster

What are your teenaged boys like with their grandparents?

25 replies

Seatbealter292 · 21/07/2023 20:21

Just back from a meal out with DS 14 and my parents. You'd think he'd never met them before-one word answers, drifting off into space whilst they're talking. He comes across as really rude and disinterested. You wouldn't think he'd seen them every week since he was born!

Is this normal for his age? I do try and pull him into the conversation but it's like pulling teeth!

(This was a very quick meal BTW in a diner, he wasn't having to sit with us for hours).

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 21/07/2023 20:23

I don’t have teenage boys but have multiple brothers and remember what they were like as teenagers- awful 😂 They were rude, disinterested and had a general didn’t want to be there attitude. I remember one brother wore headphones out to a family dinner and someone thought he had a hearing aid.

My parents like you, tried to engage them and also spoke to them about how disrespectful they were being but it was just a phase. They grew closer to our parents and grandparents as they grew out of the teenage years.

Original poster
Seatbealter292 · 21/07/2023 20:28

Thankyou, that's reassuring!

I did speak to him before we got there and I could see he was trying but he still came across as rude.

I didn't say anything afterwards, I don't want to make a big deal of it which I think would only make this phase worse. I just hope it is a phase!

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 21/07/2023 20:30

My grandson can be quite chatty, but will also disappear into screens given half the chance. He was fine in a restaurant the last time we went, but he was more interested in packing away quantities of food.

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IveHadItUpToHere · 21/07/2023 20:43

With ILs, DS tended to be quiet unless I steered the conversation eg 'tell gran about what happened at x or y'.
Luckily with my DM, who passed away last year, they just both really clicked and were always laughing and chatting.
With aunts and uncles, it's about creating space and leading topics - the same as with ILs - which for DS is music, guitars, etc.

Original poster
Seatbealter292 · 21/07/2023 20:45

IveHadItUpToHere · 21/07/2023 20:43

With ILs, DS tended to be quiet unless I steered the conversation eg 'tell gran about what happened at x or y'.
Luckily with my DM, who passed away last year, they just both really clicked and were always laughing and chatting.
With aunts and uncles, it's about creating space and leading topics - the same as with ILs - which for DS is music, guitars, etc.

See he's great with MIL, he just seems far more relaxed around her, I don't know why. Also great with his mates parents but any other adult and he just disappears.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 21/07/2023 20:48

Around puberty both my boys were/are quite awkward around anyone they don't spend a lot of time with and find the constant questioning of grandparents really annoying. Post puberty my older one is much more polite and tolerant. Younger one, just starting puberty, is very monosyllabic, but then he's like that with us a lot of the time too Grin

70sTomboy · 21/07/2023 20:55

Mine are in their 30s now, but as teenagers, they took an active part in caring for elderly great grandparents and they did their parts during school holidays. Cooking and cleaning, shopping, dealing with carers who came in to do personal care, and occasionally calling doctors, they stayed 24 hrs at a time. They were 13/14 upwards. They also worked part-time in jobs. There was no contact with actual grandparents on either side, though. They were brilliant. Monosyllabic teenagers? nah.

Original poster
Seatbealter292 · 21/07/2023 21:00

70sTomboy · 21/07/2023 20:55

Mine are in their 30s now, but as teenagers, they took an active part in caring for elderly great grandparents and they did their parts during school holidays. Cooking and cleaning, shopping, dealing with carers who came in to do personal care, and occasionally calling doctors, they stayed 24 hrs at a time. They were 13/14 upwards. They also worked part-time in jobs. There was no contact with actual grandparents on either side, though. They were brilliant. Monosyllabic teenagers? nah.

That's great..now don't get me wrong, DS is a good lad, he helps around the house, I have a disability and he's brilliant at mucking in when needed, he also does voluntary work but holding conversations with adults is where we lose him.

OP posts:
EmeraldFox · 21/07/2023 21:03

Seatbealter292 · 21/07/2023 20:21

Just back from a meal out with DS 14 and my parents. You'd think he'd never met them before-one word answers, drifting off into space whilst they're talking. He comes across as really rude and disinterested. You wouldn't think he'd seen them every week since he was born!

Is this normal for his age? I do try and pull him into the conversation but it's like pulling teeth!

(This was a very quick meal BTW in a diner, he wasn't having to sit with us for hours).

Ds is like that with grandparents but amazing with his elderly great grandmother

EmeraldFox · 21/07/2023 21:05

Though DS is much closer to his ggm, we have lived nearby since he was 10, now 17. Grandparents have come and gone since he was two.

SilhouetteOfADoor · 21/07/2023 21:05

I think we tried to give it context ie I would remind your son that they are your/Dh's parents and you will not tolerate rudeness towards them. I would remind them of all the inane chatter they used to do when they were younger so Pokemon/Ben 10/insert any computer game they must have prattled on about probably in front of their Grandparents who no doubt listened to him.

We also said that hopefully one day we will be the Grandparents to your children and I hope that you would tell them to treat us kindly. Mine are made to sit for a few hours listening but also joining in conversations, then they can go off and do their own thing. If we have extended family here like Aunts/Uncles as we see them less they are with us all for the whole thing. I think because they have always done it they are used to it.

I would do anything to have my Mum or Dh's Mum back. Both long dead and I wish they could interact with our children today.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/07/2023 21:06

Reminds me of my nephew from abroad. Every year he arrived on holidays full of chat and excitement about everything. Then one year it was like they brought the wrong kid ..he wouldn't engage/ totally bored with everything. Then Covid came and they missed a visit. Finally he arrived last year and he was his old self but even nicer as he had grown to appreciate extended family and was full of chat. It was like the silent thing had never happened. Hopefully your dps understand his phases and it will pass.

DiscoBeat · 21/07/2023 21:08

My two are very different - DS15 actively arranges get togethers with his Grandma and likes to help in her garden, chats to her etc. and DS13 is very shy, can never think of anything to say so probably comes across as rude but doesn't mean to.

.

GU24Mum · 21/07/2023 21:10

Mine seemingly can't tolerate me other than occasionally but is very good with my mother. She can also be tricky so they sort of cancel each other out for the rest of us and fortunately it really works this time.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/07/2023 21:14

Our boys had spent the night with them occasionally from the time they were toddlers and they'd all developed great relationships with each other. Both of my sons were pretty brilliant with all 4 of their grandparents. They were never rude or silent around them, but were always chatty and happy to play cards, take walks, or fall in with whatever their grandparents wanted to do. In turn their grandparents were always 'there' for special events and sports, were curious about their lives and asked questions about whatever they were interested in at the time. My poor mother probably knew more about Pokemon and rock music than any octogenarian should ever have had to know.

My dad had a progressive neurological condition and by the time my our sons were in their teens he'd lost the power of speech, although he was aware of his surroundings and we knew he could still understand us, he just couldn't respond. One of my most precious memories is the boys just sitting on either side of Dad and silently stroking his arm or reaching over to pat his leg whilst they were all watching a baseball game. No words between them were needed.

Both my and DH's parents are all gone now. But our sons (and we) have some very precious memories.

MrsAvocet · 21/07/2023 21:15

Mine are a bit older, and I would say they are tolerant of my ILs. (My parents are dead.) They are civil and will make polite conversation but would not choose to spend any more time with them than they have to - they go out of a sense of duty rather than it being something they enjoy. They are much better at small talk now in their late teens than a few years ago though. We did have a spell of communicating only through grunts! A lot of teens go through a rather grumpy, uncommunicative phase so I'd probably not worry too much about monosyllabic answers at 14.

StandingAtTheLemonadeStand · 21/07/2023 21:23

They’re not interested at all and see them as little as possible. When they do, they don’t speak much and can’t wait for it to be over.

mrsfollowill · 21/07/2023 21:30

It's a phase and will pass. My DS is early 20's and is v close to both his grandmothers (GF's both deceased). He went through an awkward period from being 12/13 to 16/17ish when he wasn't a chatty little boy they looked after any more - once he became more 'adult' it's changed the dynamic and he now looks after them- does any heavy lifting/running errands etc and chats away again. It helps they both live close by so he has grown up seeing them several times a week.

Changingmynameyetagain · 21/07/2023 21:39

My MIL is a very involved GP and spent a lot of time with my DC when they were younger, as a result my teenagers will happily spend time with her and she often takes them out for icecream or McDonald’s or a clothes shopping.
My mum wasn’t as nearly as involved and they will be polite and answer if she asks them a question but they don’t seem to have much to talk about.

mambojambodothetango · 21/07/2023 21:50

DS is 12 and can be like that. However it's not inevitable - my DB's sons were brought up to make an effort to talk to relatives and you can see that it paid off as they're utterly charming older teens/young adults now. I think they're unusual, sadly.

Readthebooks · 21/07/2023 21:55

Mine is really close to my parents. See's them regularly. They're close by and he'll often pop in to see them when I'm at work. He's going through a very chatty phase and my dad was just saying the other day how much he enjoys his company.
I'm a lone parent though and they've always played a big part in his life. His cousins are more typical and barely look up from their phones when they're visiting.

EmeraldFox · 21/07/2023 22:15

mrsfollowill · 21/07/2023 21:30

It's a phase and will pass. My DS is early 20's and is v close to both his grandmothers (GF's both deceased). He went through an awkward period from being 12/13 to 16/17ish when he wasn't a chatty little boy they looked after any more - once he became more 'adult' it's changed the dynamic and he now looks after them- does any heavy lifting/running errands etc and chats away again. It helps they both live close by so he has grown up seeing them several times a week.

I think it's that the dynamic is different with DS and my grandmother than with my parents. He is much more adult and able to help her with things, and she loves someone to chat to. My parents don't need him like that yet (early sixties).

redskytwonight · 21/07/2023 22:17

DS was like that at 14, but got better as he got older.

He was much better with my in-laws that my parents though. Which is absolutely because they took the time to talk to him about a range of topics that he was interested in, as well as sharing details about their own lives. Whereas "conversation" with my parents was mostly him trying to to answer a cross examination about what he was doing at school.

EmeraldFox · 21/07/2023 22:27

Whereas "conversation" with my parents was mostly him trying to to answer a cross examination about what he was doing at school.
My parents did that with DS, would ask him repeatedly about rugby when he had zero interest in any team sports 🙄. It was because they didn't know him or attempt to know him.

Nat6999 · 21/07/2023 23:19

Ds was very close to my dad, he spent ages talking to him about the war & his childhood, he is also very close to my mum, he helps her do things like online shopping, takes her to appointments, helps care for her, when she was in hospital last year he was the one who visited every day, went in the ambulance with her. He is much closer than he ever was with his other grandparents.

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