Should I put up with her behaviour

[dodeca]

My sister could be best described as a bully towards me and has been that way for some years now, albeit subtly and unnoticed by others for a while but pretty much everyone can see it now. I don’t know what her issue is with me, I have tried to ask her but she tells me it’s all in my head. Nobody will challenge her as she will then say we are affecting her mental health/holding grudges or insert another excuse. BILs family have little to do with them which upsets her so she seems to want to control our side more

My mum is deeply upset by it. She doesn’t blame me but she wishes for everyone to get along and for there to be peace in the family, which is what i’ve always wanted too. I don’t know how I go about this. The only one causing the drama is my sister- not BIL, not me or DH, and not my parents. Yet she still acts dumbfounded and says she wants everyone to get along more than anything and hates the ‘rift’ between us. Either she’s just paying us lip service or she does genuinely think that, I don’t know and also don’t care too much anymore.

The bottom line is though that I hate seeing my mum feel disheartened about it and like she’s got to take turns spending time with both of her daughters families, rather than everyone all together. It must feel truly rubbish for my parents. What’s the answer?

Giving this one a nudge

I don’t think there is an answer op. But spending time with families separately isn’t that unusual and seems the best option in this case. Sorry that’s not what you wanted.

It is sad for your mum but you don't need to tolerate bullying to make her feel better. Your mum will need to make peace with it in her own way. It sounds like she is, since she's not trying to force everyone to be together.

Sorry you're in this situation. It is a shame there isn't anything you can do to fix it. It sounds like you will need to work on accepting this is how things are.

I can sympathize. I went NC withy brother 4 years ago after years of mental abuse. Best thing I ever did. My mum has accepted it now but she does still find it hard is not having family get togethers.

Thank you

That sounds absolutely crap, really sorry you're having to endure your sister being a prat and spoiling family dynamics for everyone. She sounds like she's either a complete drama queen and attention seeker who loves the drama and toxicity of it all, or a secret control lover who likes to pull strings to show her influence and power in the family. all of that sounds very overblown and dramatic but that's what it sounds like to me! Take her power away by not playing her silly games. Just carry on being yourself and ignoring all her passive aggressive bullying, asides and prods and pokes. She wants a reaction so she can play the innocent victim - so don't give it to her. Fake it till you make it.... one day you will realise you really dont care anymore and she's lost the power to get under your skin.

By the way, if your mom is unhappy about the division in the family, she is an adult and has the agency to pull your sister up about it and call her to order. All this avoiding upset and confrontation just pushes the responsibilty onto others and allows your sister to get away with this stupid behaviour, which affects everyone.

Being bullied to keep the peace is unacceptable.. Your dm is unreasonable to expect that from you. So stop feeling guilty. My guess is dsis has been pandered to for far too long. Dm can continue to play her games but surely you can see you don't need to?

Tell dm you and your mh matter too!

Everything @Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets and @P1ckledonionz said. Your sister’s mh is not your responsibility and you don’t have to tolerate her crap behaviour to you in order to make your mother happy.

There’s no rule you have to get on with everybody and that includes family members. I give wide berth to people without basic manners and kindness and that includes family members which I’m NC with. The expactation was there what I should and shouldn’t do but funnily enough it didn’t apply to them.

Went NC after the treatment started to extend to my kids. That’s not on.

She has and you’re right. She was an only child for a long long time before I came along and think she was indulged, not that this should make her behave in this way but I think is one of many reasons. I agree with you, it’s difficult for my mum to see it sometimes as I think she chooses to believe that my sister isn’t truly wanting to be spiteful and is just not very well at the moment… this belief is compounded I think as my sister often tells her she would do anything to get along better with me. It’s all lip service - she’d do anything but be nice and normal towards to me!

She does know this she just feels sad herself

Maybe- and rightly so - she has a touch of guilt for The Monster she inadvertently created in your dsis....
Maybe breezily assure her you are happier living as an only dc day to day. As is dsis.

Separate plans is fine op. Tell dm then she gets twice as much spoiling!

I think this but it’s my mums birthday coming up soon and I’m going to have to see my sister (or I felt obligated to) because my mum says it’s the only thing that will make her happy

Well don't be blackmailed op. Tell your dm you won't put her happiness at the expense of your own. She may play the If You Loved Me card.
So play it right back.

If she loved you she wouldn't want you to feel shit on her behalf.

The only thing that will make her happy is for you to be bullied and get upset by your sister? That's nice isn't it.

Unfortunately you just aren't the type of family that can have a nice time together. You haven't given any examples of this bullying but if people notice then I imagine it's bad, just repeat everything she says that's bullying so she hears it from someone else's mouth

I'd even potentially just laugh at her at every comment and reply with something along the lines of " I really don't know how you manage to live life thinking so many things about people" etc etc

As someone with significant mental illness I cannot abide people who use ‘mental health’
as an excuse to bully others or to absolve themselves of taking responsibility for their own poor behaviour.

Your sister sounds horrible and I’m sorry you’re going through this. However, you don’t have to put up with her behaviour, not for anyone. Your mum must recognise that you cannot tolerate her behaviour any more nor should you be expected to. You’ve done nothing wrong. I would cut contact for a while and see how that works out. If you find that it makes your life easier then stick with it. You don’t owe your sister anything and it sounds as though you’ve tried your best under very difficult circumstances.

I disagree with posters saying your sisters mental health is not your responsibility. Fair enough, it's not your entire responsibility but if she says you do things that make her ill then as a family member you have a duty to listen and respond to that, not ignore it. There's two sides to every story and your OP is written without any of her side at all, so it's impossible for previous posters to judge as they have. I hate how mumsnet encourages people to make life changing, family shattering decisions off the back of a very short OP that lacks detail or perspective. My advice to you is not to go no-contact because you chose an echo chamber to discuss this in. Go to your family, partner, best friend, therapist, anyone who knows the situation a bit better and see what they think of it all. I guarantee you that there's faults on both sides, family estrangement is very rarely black and white.