Teens arguing really affecting me.

[TLIMSISNW]

It’s just so relentless.

They bicker and shout at each other about everything. I can’t stand it. We had a big chat last night about how it’s got to improve and what do I wake up to this morning - yelling and arguing. I’m sick of it.

I’m not a shouty mum. They have such lovely childhoods and yet they shout and argue ALL the time. I’m sick of it and at the end of my tether.

What do they tend to argue about? Could you mediate better? Teach them some words that might help so they can learn communication better…
having said all that, the arguing I did with my elder brothers and sisters when I was a teenager has really helped me stand my ground and not be a pushover generally in life.

What ages are they? And what do the rows tend to be about? You might be able to help them resolve some issues for themselves by meditating.

Tell them to stay in their own rooms.

They’re tweens/teens girls. It tends to be about clothes/generally annoying each other.

I can’t take it anymore. I’ve just grounded them. I told them last night that I’d start to take a firmer stand on it as it’s just awful and constant. Yet first thing in the morning they’re screaming at reach other anyway.

Me and DH aren’t shouty, we really try to model healthy communication styles and also mediate effectively but they just carry on like this.

I’m so fed up of it.

Tell them if they shout they’ll lose wifi. It’s the only thing that works with teens. Literally turn it off / remove phones if necessary.

Ok yes, sounds like it’s time for consequences.

Oh op I feel your pain - same here with teen dds. It's annoying beyond belief, I feel like a referee some days. It's especially infuriating in the morning before I've properly woken up...that's when I get shouty too...not a good start to the day. When I can, I'll speak to them individually then bring them together to discuss, each having their own 'turn' to vent. It's hard though so sympathy from me.

What are some of the flash points? Can they be eliminated?

If it's clothes I'd pack most into a suitcase for a week.

OP, I get how exhausting it is - 3 teens/nearly teens here - DD (16) & 2 DS (14 & 12).

There's a lot of arguing, then if they aren't arguing there's hyper behaviour (the boys) that will eventually lead to a row too.

They also love each other & can be great so there's that comfort!

I’ve just grounded them.

I think this is a really bad idea. Being grounded, in the holidays (is it holidays in UK now? It is in Ireland but know dates differ) is only going to make everyone more cross & likely to react.

What do they fight about? Do they share a room?

You need to understand some flashpoints & try & mitigate those - possibly physically, by keeping them separate or alternating times for them to do something.

In terms of the screaming / shouting, I think you need to sit down, explain it's not ok & what the consequences are. For me, for older teens it was removing phone + corresponding household task. This meant a win for me as a job got done.

I think if you do this, keep the time short. Like take the phone for the morning - if you take it indefinitely they don't care & are not motivated to try.

Finally, make them apologise, each time - their behaviour is normal kids stuff but it's important they acknowledge it & say sorry.

My teen and tween just have to look at each other to start an argument. I’ve started to leave them to it unless it is violent. I’ve told them they need to learn to compromise and get along with other people.

mediation might work. It’s fairly normal though, me and my sister were terrible. They are learning about getting along and asserting themselves etc.

I put my headphones in now and listen to a podcast 😂

Mine are 10 and 13 and having the same problem. It's relentless and I am now a shouty mum as it's just driving me insane. Not sure grounding is a punishment I'd pick though as it seems like it will only make things worse and you'll have to listen to it 😬. Don't have any a answers though so following ...

Buy earplugs, take them out in a few years (well maybe 10...)

Oh God, don't ground them, that's just a punishment for yourself.

Can you switch off the router as soon as someone shouts?

I agree with the poster, who said listen to podcasts!

They grow out of it. Eventually. My two that argued the most are 19 & 16 now, and I can't remember the last time they had a row.

I was forever splitting them up. They couldn't sit near each other in the car, on trains, at restaurants. I'd say "you sit over there, you sit over there, don't talk to each other, don't look at each other"

You have my sympathies!

Awful mine started around 13/14. They adored each other up to then. It's gradually improved as they become adults but even now at 21/23 they still bicker I just ignore it now. Only thing that worked for us was taking phone away.

we really try to model healthy communication styles and also mediate effectively but they just carry on like this.

So lose your shit. Give them a taste of listening to someone get mad and shout; let them see how you feel about it. Might be a short sharp shock?

God yes, the crime of looking at each other! I try and keep them separate as much as possible and also manage any days out in the same way.

Terrible advice.

For sure, get stern & tell them it's not ok, and the effect it's having on you.

Shouting - they'll tune out.

I'm saying that as a sometimes-shouty parent & I know it doesn't work

Your current communication style will eventually near fruit, I promise!

I actually don't think it is terrible advice.
I don't shout at my kids often but when I do they know enough is enough. They only tune out if it is a parent constantly shouting at them.

Can you find them a project or task for them to do together? Something that will involve them cooperating with only each other, so they can build up a sense of being on the same side as each other.

I'm saying that as a sometimes-shouty parent & I know it doesn't work

I’m pretty shouty too and I agree, it doesn’t always work terribly well for me. But my DH isn’t. He really isn’t. So on the very odd occasion that he loses his shit, everyone sits up and listens….. And remembers it.

@PomTiddlyPomPom @WimpoleHat

That's fair enough - I can see how an occasional shout could work!

But I think still it undermines a core value that OP holds regarding communication style & manner & so I'd be clear, firm & certainly let them know how their behaviour affects OP. And - consequences

We had for many years, a cheap Ikea wardrobe... with a hole in the front where DD1 had thrown a wooden coathanger at DD2 (and missed thankfully) for borrowing her T shirt and allegedly stretching it (DD2 had boobs).
Honestly they were dreadful for a few years!

But.. they are now the best of friends, each other's comfort and support in adult life. It passes. But it did feel relentless for a few years (they are two years apart).

Adding in their brother who was vile as a teen (in between them .. three teens together) I remember those days with a shudder!

I agree that shouting solves nothing if done regularly..they tune out. But the occasional absolute blasting can be effective (or at least therapeutic!!!)

I am in my 60s. I had a dsis one year older and one who was a year younger..other siblings too. But us three fought like mad as teens over clothes/ make up/ space/ everything. I have no memory of my dps getting involved. They ignored us...never tried to sort it out. We entered our 20s and became best friends right up to now. We cared for our very ill mother for 5 years without one cross word between us. Each person was concerned the other would be overburdened..total fairness!
My advice: ignore them..totally when they argue presuming one isn't a victim and getting bullied by the others. Try it and see what happens. Stop wasting your energy on discussions etc. Put on some music and pretend you don't hear them.
We all laugh about it now!