Everyone around me is having girls after I lost my daughter..

[wherehasthesungone23]

Not too sure where to post this.. so chat it is.

6 years ago I lost my daughter during childbirth - she was a perfectly healthy and gorgeous baby, 7lbs 4oz but unfortunately there was a "serious adverse incident" by the hospital staff during my labour and she died on the day she was born.

I've been so lucky to go on to have 2 gorgeous sons since and they are genuinely amazing so this isn't a thread about gender disappointment as such because they certainly don't disappoint me in anyway and without them I don't know where I would be now.

Since my little girl was born I'm the only one in my circle of friends and family to have boys - I know it sounds unbelivable but my 3 closest friends have had 4 daughters between then, my cousin has had 2, my brother has had a daughter, my sister had a daughter and my sister in law is due a daughter any day and every time I heard the news I've tried not to let it bother me, but tonight my brother has just announced he found out today that he will be having another daughter. I had an early misscarriage last month. I honestly just feels like some kind of twisted joke.

I know that the idea of a daughter in my head is just that an idea and I've no guarantee that my relationship with my little girl would be like the relationship I've dreamed off.. but every time I see girls baby clothes in the shop or little girls playing I feel so sad and even when I do things with my adult friends I always get those moments of wishful thinking - my friend recently got married and loved organising it with her mum and bringing her mum to choose the dress, my friends all seem to take their grandchildren to see their mothers more than mother in laws and go for afternoon tea and spa days with their mums etc

Now I know how incredibly ridiculous I am being and I know how lucky I am - I love my children more than anything they are amazing but I have a huge sense of loss for my little girl and the life I hoped we would have together and it just feels like this is another cruel twist of fate after losing her that I have to watch everyone around me have something that I long for so badly. I think things are heightened today on the back of my misscarriage, my brothers big announcement tonight and my MIL saying last week how "excited she is to finally have a little girl to spoil because she loves the boys so much but it's just different" (sensitive as always I know) . My MC was N unplanned baby and tbh we would have struggled financially with 3 children at home so I doubt we will try again as much as I would love another baby. I don't even know the point of this post except I can't talk to anyone about this in real life and wanted somewhere to put my thoughts down. I know it's been 6 years and I should be over it and grateful for what I have but it's just so bloody hard!

Apologies for all the typos - I really should I'm have went back to reread that before I posted

Sorry for your loss. Completely understand how you feel. It must be extremely hard xx

I think you’ve explained yourself perfectly. You are grateful for what you have but of course you will always always miss your daughter. It’s unsurprising that you feel grief when people have daughters. As you say, they’re living out what you want.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I would advise grief counselling. The amount of time that’s passed doesn’t matter. You don’t magically heal just because time has passed.

Sorry for your loss xx

You are not being ridiculous at all. I lost my daughter too (she was slightly older) and completely understand how you feel.

Thank you, I think that's it - it seems like everyone around me is living the life that I'd planned for before my baby girl died. I think counselling would help - I had 5 sessions after she was born but due to waiting lists etc it was when I was heavily pregnant with ds1 and (rightly so) it was mostly focussed on my anxiety about pregnancy and birth at the time. She suggested I have some PTSD and recommended I look for a specialist in birth trauma but I couldn't bring myself to do that and sit in a group with mothers when I didn't have my baby - even now I think I would find that so hard and honestly don't imagine I could even ask my GP for more counselling after so much time has passed. I just imagine, like everyone else, they'd think 6 years have passed and I've two healthy children now, a good job and a loving husband - on paper a great set up but my mind just constantly goes back to losing my daughter - the actual loss of her and the day she died as we all the hypothetical loss of the life I'd imagined we have. I really want to reiterate this isn't about gender disappointment of boys as such - before children I didn't have any preference and love my boys, I have lots of anxiety about losing them too and the thought of it makes me feel ill almost daily - would I swap them out for a girl - not in one million years but I would have given anything to have another girl - not as a replacement but just to experience being a mum to a girl and the fact that every single person close to me has had a girl in the last 6 years is like some cruel joke - almost like salt in the already really shit wound

@3isthemagicnumberrr I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for understanding - I always think I must sound so bloody ungrateful - especially to people who have lost a child - I know how lucky I am to have my two amazing boys

Aww I totally get you. People can be so insensitive…(ie your Mil 🙄)

My good friend lost her gorgeous boy and now has two girls and I think she often feels wistful around my little boy. Totally natural 🌻

Wishing you all the best.

You are not being ridiculous OP and you don’t have to justify your feelings. Your love for your boys isn’t diminished by your yearning for a girl and the complex emotions tied up in the terrible loss you’ve experienced. I definitely think seeing a therapist/ counsellor could help you talk through your feelings without fear of being judged.

I don’t have any real advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say your feelings are totally valid. I’m so sorry your lost your girl. Would you like to tell us her name? 💐

I am so very sorry you lost your little girl. Of course you are still grieving for her.

Please don’t think you are “ridiculous” or that you “should be over it” because it is absolutely understandable that you mourn her and that every reminder of the life you should have had with her is bitterly painful.

If it would help to talk about your daughter here we are listening.

6 years is no time at all and there is no set time on when you ‘should’ or shouldn’t be affected by a traumatic loss.

If you didn’t feel up to a specialist birth trauma counsellor would one that specialises in trauma in general feel manageable?

Thank you all for your support. It's good to know that it's not totally unreasonable to be feeling like this even though I've such lovely children at home - I just can't talk aboht it in real life as I'd hate to my my friends / family awkward thinking that I'm feeling that about them having daughters. Although I'm sure like @TarquinOliverNimrod some of them may have already picked up on this even though I try my best not to let it show.

Thank you @CatChant my little girl was so gorgeous - she was honestly like a little doll fine wispy fair hair, dimples and tiny red rose bud lips - surprisingly big feet though she was honestly so gorgeous and I see little bits of her features in both of her brothers even though they look totally different to one another. My mum said she looked just like me as a newborn but I couldn't see it myself - she was just gorgeous in her own wee way

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost a daughter stillborn at full term and went on to have two wonderful boys who are now older teens.

You have just had another early loss and must be devastated. I didn't have that but I found it very hard to make the decision not to have another baby after DS2. It was another phase in the grieving process to decide a family is "complete" without one of its members and not to have a girl to bring up. It's not much talked about and it took me a while to realise that's what it was in my case. I think it wouldn't have been much different if all my subsequent children had been daughters, but I think there is a little bit of extra intensity knowing most people don't realise I ever had a daughter.

It may help you to know that although I will always miss my daughter I don't have the same sadness and intense grief that I once did, and I hardly ever feel jealous of people with girls. And people make far fewer stupid remarks once children move into the teens and start being more obviously individuals and not stereotypes.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a child, but have had other bereavements, and just wanted to say that you shouldn't be hard on yourself because you're not "over it" after six years. I learned to live with my grief but doubt I'll ever get over it. I loved them and still do. Hugs.

You're absolutely not being ridiculous, I am so so sorry for your loss ❤️

Your love for your little girl shines through. Never think mourning her means you are not grateful for your boys. It just means that you love her and miss her.

Of course you shouldn't just get over it! You're feeling grief because you felt love, you can't just decide you don't want to feel it any more.

I think it's important to remember that another girl wouldn't have been your daughter, she would have been an entirely separate person. The grief for the life you had planned and expected would still have been there. It would probably help to discuss that in counseling.

You can love your sons and still find it hard to see other people have something you'd lost in such a horrendous way. There's space for both feelings.

Sending love, you've been through an awful time and I hope you can show yourself the love and understanding I know you deserve.

Grief is so very complex isn't it? To be surrounded by little girls when you don't have your little girl just seems so unfair, doesn't it?

Do you work? Can you access counselling through your employer? We have an employee assistance programme - might you have something similar?

Xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I admire your strength to have bottled all this up. Reading your description of your baby daughter and thinking of the life that she didn't get the chance to live, makes me very emotional.

I have two boys and do often wonder what it would be like to have a girl. That doesn't minimise my love for mine, or your love for your boys.