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Difficult childhood - strong parental relationships as adult

4 replies

Nowitstarts · 17/07/2023 15:04

A man I'm becoming involved with. I usually see too tight a mother/son bond as a bit of a red flag but this seems OK, if unusual.

Not my story so I've changed some details but:

Mum left with OM when friend and his DBro were 8 & 10. She lived overseas until that relationship failed and friend didn't see mother again until he was 21.

Dad at the time was considered something of a hero, caring for these two DC on his own, but what actually happened was he took a job where he worked away most weeks and friend was left looking after dbro 5 days nights a week from 12yo.

Today friend is in his 50s and seems very close to both parents, having taken on a parental role towards them. E.g. mum's return flights cancelled on recent holiday and he sorted it all out for her. He'll go and water Dad's garden most evenings.

This doesn't seem to interfere too much with his daily life, He'll pop in for 20 mins here and there rather than give over whole weekends to it, but especially mother it all seems a bit strange to me. Although also lovely that he seems so decent and willing to help.

They're not young now, but both fit and active still. I'd say he sees one or other of them practically every day, although not for very long, will pop in on his way to or from work.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 17/07/2023 15:05

Sorry if I haven't read your post correctly, but I'm confused

What's your question?

Nowitstarts · 17/07/2023 15:08

I don't know, maybe there isn't one, I was just musing how you can go from virtual childhood abandonment to model son without bitterness, which there doesn't appear to be any of.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 17/07/2023 16:19

I suspect it's more complicated than you are painting it/seeing it. But from what you've described, I'd say it sounds like he was forced into a people pleasing/caretaker role from a very early age - we'd call in parentification - made to be the parent to his parents, basically. That's how he coped with the trauma of what we might say was abandonment in different ways by both of his parents. He's continued that role into his adult relationships with them and I'd assume probably also into his other relationships with people in his life. He's not so much got a 'strong parental relationship' but he's continuing to use the same coping mechanisms he did as a child now as his parents are getting older. I don't think that seems too surprising really.

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Nowitstarts · 17/07/2023 18:44

Yes, he's definitely a people pleaser. Always keen to help anyone.

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