Please help me sort my life out. 40 next year and going nowhere

[LifeMakeoverSOS]

Hi,

Big ask, I know 😬

Basically, I'm in an absolute rut and I'm completely clueless as to what I want to/can do.

I'll attempt to summarise/condense.

I have one teenage dc with mild SN who is not long off adulthood and that terrifies me. I have no career and a huge gaping hole in my CV. I have battled anxiety and depression for almost 3 decades. It has stood in the way of me making any real progress in my life. After a surge in the awareness of ADHD in adults recently, I'm starting to wonder if this is also a reason I have struggled so much.

I drink too much. I don't get any exercise and both these things are completely within my control. I keep brushing it to the side. I'll start afresh on Monday....oh well, x has happened, I'll start again next Monday and so on. I have every intention of being proactive and making real changes, but then it's like I deflate and all my will power disperses and the self loathing flares back up. I know how pathetic that sounds.

I just don't know where or how to start. I have been focused on (and in all honesty, hid behind) being a mum for the past 16 years and without sounding dramatic, I don't really know who I am or maybe I do and I just don't like who I am.

My confidence is pretty much non existent. I used to put a lot of importance on my appearance, but age is inevitably catching up with me and so I feel like that part of me is also not good enough.

I'm embarrassed writing this and quite honestly, I don't know why I am. Could really do with a bit of advice on how to move forward I guess.

Thanks for reading.

First try not to beat yourself up about yesterdays you can't change them

As you say you do have control over some things so drinking first, just don't have any in the house, at least not sunday-thursday and allow yourself say one bottle of wine at the weekend, you can decide to drink it on one evening or spread it across two etc

Second, can you add a bit of walking to start with into your evenings, perhaps with DC, half hour before dinner, just round a couple of blocks, give you a chance to perhaps talk gently to each other, what are their plans, Huw you might try to get more work or different work with progression potential. As your child is now older it is possible to talk to them about you being an adult, nothing heavy just ideas perhaps.

Have a pamper bath, shave everything, put body lotion on afterwards and just donut to feel good for yourself in the house.

Baby steps. Take it from there

Well … it’s so much easier to sort out someone else’s life!

1. How’s your diet? Unless you’re growing all your own stuff, you need to invest in a weekly (organic if you can) veg box. Spend enough that you really feel obliged to eat it all, so as not to waste money. I can promise you that after three months not only you but anyone who knows you will remark on your glowing appearance. (Also, if you’re middle aged - switch to biodynamic wine. More per bottle, many fewer after effects.)

2. What would you like to do with your life? If you go over to the Mature Study and Retraining board you’ll find many, many people in similar situations to yours, attempting to re-make their futures. It might be hard, but it’s likely to be the most enormous fun. (Trust me on this.)

3. Buy a skipping rope. And a hula hoop. And try the odd yoga position. Just do what you feel; it’s not all or nothing.

4. Read. Give your mind something to grapple with and be enthralled by. It should help to improve your mood and spark curiosity.

5. If you don’t already, try to spend more time in art galleries or listening to music. Fill up the spaces in your head. Again - this might spark interior conversations that lead to change.

Some excellent suggestions already - can I add my tuppence...

Diet: So much easier to keep to the straight and narrow if you don't have the stuff in the house. Eat lots of vegetables, moderate amounts of protein and some healthy fats and complex/unrefined carbs.

Alcohol: Try watching some of Annie Grace's YouTube videos and/or listen to her podcasts:
Annie Grace - This Naked Mind
There's also a very good book called Alcohol Explained by William Porter

Exercise: Lucy Wyndham Read is excellent for beginners and most of her workouts are only 10-15 minutes. Growingannanas is great but a bit more challenging. Both free on YouTube.

Appearance: Maybe go for a free consultation at a Clinique or Clarins counter at a department store, or at Boots? Go on a weekday morning when they are less busy.

'Learning': There is a very good book called 'An Incomplete Education'
https://www.wob.com/en-gb/books/judy-jones/incomplete-education/9780345468901?cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=18129456947&cq_con=&cq_med=pla&cq_plac=&cq_net=x&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzdOlBhCNARIsAPMwjbyJocXPMAHYvZ3quLV-SMI1LkS-VGRtV4L63W-5qTwSnhekWjMufAkaAilFEALw_wcB#GOR004213958

That's just a few things that occurred to me - top of the mind. I hope it is helpful 😀

In my experience the exercise comes first, then the drin and diet. When you exercise, you feel good and that makes you not want to drink ot eat as much. So sort the exercise out first.

Join a gym and get a few PT sessions to kick-start you. Or join a running club or start Parkrun.

Try not to let confidence or body image stop you. My gym is populated by all shapes, sizes, and ages. And no one is looking at anyone else.

Good luck to you. The thought that you want your life to change is the first step you need to take and you are there already 👊

Well, you're 40, so you have potentially another 30 years of work ahead of you. That's a whole career, so you can pretty much do anything, within reason.

What interests you?

Don't do something you don't like.

Online is your friend. Search there for what you fancy then look at YouTube for the reality of it.

You'll find something.

I read a quote the other day, can't remember it all but it was something like,

Uncomfortable Truths

Your weight is because of your decisions.
Your finances are because of your decisions.
90% of your problems are because of your decisions.
If you want to change your life, stop making bad decisions.

I think the easiest ways to change are also the best ways as they are more likely to succeed.

So I suggest you make tiny changes first. Maybe for a week, make a few really small changes in the right direction. E.g.
If you need to exercise but don't, just do high knees while you wait for the kettle to boil or squats while you clean your teeth - twenty of each.

if you want to cut down on drinking, add something non alcoholic to your drink to lengthen it. Add sparkling water and ice to white wine to make a really long spritzer. I'm now used to a pint sized drink with only 100ml of wine in it. Or top half a pint of lager with half a pint of zero lager or diet lemonade for shandy.

Give yourself a project of doing some journalling, quizzes and tests to work out what sort of job you might enjoy. Then set yourself a mini research project to find out what qualifications you might need, where you can get them locally, if any grants are available etc.

Do something similar with your looks - a Pinterest mood board on dressing well after 40 and check out make up videos for 40+.

Just allow yourself, for now, to gently inform and acquaint yourself with some information that will be useful.

in a week's time, add a few more tiny changes. E.g. do a Joe Wicks or Yoga with Adrienne online video class (free on you tube) Keep adding small changes until you can feel the difference in your life.

I think you could start with your appearance, you need a confidence boost before you make changes to keep you motivated. If a local shopping centre do a stylist consultation this is great, some places do it for free. Get a good hair cut. Buy some clothes specifically for walking.

Make a schedule, include gentle easy walks and time for what you enjoy- music, reading etc. Buy a self help book to help increase confidence. Then when you feel positive start to tackle the bigger issues like drinking.

Also I retrained and started over in a totally new career at 42. You have plenty time!

I’m 40 next year!! Congrats we’ve nearly made it. I have had similar issues.

Give up and he booze for a bit and then think about the big choices. You may find that’s what’s making you feel a bit anxious/worried about the future.

I understand OP - i'll turn 40 next summer and it's a bit daunting. Can't pretend I'm just a young 'un anymore. It can be a great motivator to sort out the things you are unhappy with.

I started an exercise class a few months ago and really love it, I feel stronger already - I also found having a scheduled class that I have booked and paid for very motivating for sticking to it.
Could you find something you are interested in, like take up a sport or a new hobby that gets you out and about? It will give you more confidence.

If you are worried about gaps in your CV could you volunteer somewhere for a few months, which would give you a foot in the door. I would love to retrain, but will have to wait a few years as it's expensive these days.

Best of luck, it's never to late to change things.

Thank you so much for all your very helpful advice so far. It's really appreciated.

This Monday was supposed to be one of those fresh start Mondays after a boozy holiday last week, but then a 3 hour complaint to vodafone drained the life out of me 😵‍💫😖 and I was back to feeling completely unmotivated. I don't mean I'll be drinking tonight, but I was intending to re start yoga, do a big sort out, do a bit of online research for careers later in life etc - I was feeling really motivated, but I just get knocked so easily. My mind set goes from 'you're still young, you can do anything', to 'what's the point, you can't do anything'.

I agree with those who say that exercise is the most important thing I can do right now. I know I feel better when I do it. Regarding my diet, it's actually pretty good. That's an area where I seem to have quite a lot of willpower, although I do tend to enjoy fresh, healthy food. That's not to say I wouldn't be happy eating cake all day! Wine is my only real vice really, but it's too much, regardless.

Those asking what things I enjoy, that's the thing, I don't even know. I wish I enjoyed reading more, but I actually find it very challenging - something I'm only very recently starting to admit. Another reason I think I may have ADHD. I never struggled to learn to read and write, but I struggle to stay focused, which I guess is what runs through everything. I did actually try a filter over a text for those with ADHD and it did seem to flow better for me. Maybe it was a placebo effect. I don't know.

If reading is not your thing, why not listen to the radio? BBC Radio 4 has lots of interesting topics throughout the day.

I think it's better to start small and build up, rather than have those mammoth Monday starts where suddenly you're meant to change everything all in one go. So for example, pick exercise as your first change. Decide what that might look like, eg a short walk every day plus a twice weekly exercise class. Do it for three weeks before you add in any other changes. Next change could be diet - eg five portions of veg every day. Do that for three weeks, whilst keeping up the exercise. Then add something else. You get the idea. Basically don't overwhelm yourself with too much all at once - it's bound to fail.

There's a book called Atomic Habits that's meant to be very good for making small changes and seeing them add up to big change over time.

Is there a community garden near you? Volunteering in something to do with plants will help your anxiety, confidence, sense of perspective etc.

Personally if you are drinking too much I'd knock that on the head first. Once you have given that up you will hopefully have a clearer head and more energy to start to tackle the rest bit by bit.

If you don’t know what you like, I suggest a project of doing something new every day or every week (I actually think every day is better). It can be tiny things (walking down a new street; watching a TV show on a totally new or unknown topic) or bigger things (trying out a new sport or social activity). You will very quickly find some things you like and some things you don’t, which will help you to hone your sense of where your interests lie.

Maybe give yourself two things to accomplish per day, or even just one to start with. If you overwhelm yourself with a big long list it can get a bit stressful and you may be more likely to say 'fuck it'.

I love making lists, even for smaller things I have to do that day - I get a little buzz when I get to cross things off and feel like I have accomplished loads.
So you could spread it out like Tuesday - Yoga, Wednesday - researching careers, Thursday - clear out etc. Or whatever works for you.

Also, if you don't like reading you could listen to an interesting podcast while you are out walking, or doing housework or anything. I love listening to history or science podcasts - I feel like I'm learning but it's not boring.

Hi, I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I've recently completed a CBT course for low mood via the NHS. Had to self refer online. I had a 6 week online course (1 HR a week), then a three month wait and a 1 to 1 ten week course with a therapist online. It has been extremely useful, particularly all the tips on planning, exercise, motivation and procrastination. It really has helped me. I would highly recommend. What have you got to lose? I'm definitely more motivated than I was before and find it easier to manage my life. I've had loads of therapy over the years and by far the most effective and practical has been the NHS courses!

Also, don't beat yourself up or compare yourself to others. You obviously put a lot of store into your own values (raising a family). You have clearly devoted yourself to it. It's not coming to an end. It's just that likely you'll have a bit more time to yourself.

My friend is a psychologist and says that you should never set out to make big black or white changes, but make very small tweaks. Instead of going back to work, I started a pottery class one morning a week. That has really helped lift my mood and I meet a great group who are not other school parents. I have also started making birthday cakes as a small hobby. It doesn't take much to fill up your time.
There's so much that you can do to fill the hole on your CV. You could volunteer for citizens advice bureau, be a volunteer for cid in the police (3 hours a week), work at a charity shop, food bank, animal shelter, or just pursue a hobby. Small steps lead to new places and experiences. Stop worrying about the bigger picture/trying to get there all at once. Just make a couple of very small tweaks.

I think your potential ADHD may be at the core of all of this. And undiagnosed ADHD can lead to depression as you are struggling along with things other people seem to be able to do, yet you can't.
Some forms of ADHD have nothing to do with hyperactivity or attention. ADhD can involve a lack of executive function- skills which help us motivate ourselves; organise ourselves; persevere with difficult, complex or unrewarding tasks; even to start tasks you perceive as difficult ... These can be compounded by emotional dysregulation- reacting to and experiencing emotions differently from others. All together, you can see why someone might feel paralysed and unable to break out of a rut.
So all the advice in the world may not help, if you just don't have the brain type. That's NOT to say you can't do anything about these issues. Quite the reverse in fact. Read around ADHD - e.g. www.additudemag.com
It may resonate and be the key to understanding yourself, the first step to making changes towards the positive, meaningful, satisfying, happy life you deserve.

@SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach everyone seems to be championing radio 4 recently! I do love a good debate and informative discussion, so will definitely be tuning in. Always thought it was just the Archers 😬 Frustratingly, I think reading would be my thing, but my eyes sort of scan sentences and predict, but it's often wrong, so I end up going over the same bit of text again and again. I'm basically like a really ineffective predictive text. Plus my mind tends to wander, so I'm sort of looking at the words rather than reading them.

@TreesWelliesKnees thanks for the recommendation.

@AuntieJune the amount of times I have started the process of volunteering, but then chickened out. My self confidence/belief is that low. I was going to volunteer for the CAB and was going in for an interview, but then I heard through a mum friend that they throw you in at the deep end (probably what I need) and I just panicked and bolted...again. I think I'm just so scared of failure that I protect myself from it by basically doing nothing. I know how ridiculous that I'd, but it's like a hardened mindset.

@LilyLemonade I think this sounds like a very good idea.

@Farmageddon I hear list making can be very satisfying. My list would be more scroll 😬 I might give this a go.

@Oioicaptain I have had several courses of CBT, but only found one mildly helpful. I'm glad you have had so much success. I think I was unlucky with my therapists tbh. They didn't really get where I was coming from. I was actually on a waiting list to give it another go with a new therapist, but haven't heard anything for months.

@HoneycombBauble yes, you could be right. I have never had problems with hyperactivity, impulsive or inappropriate behaviour, but seem to tick most other boxes.

I note what you are saying about finding reading difficult, but I would urge you to read that book I suggested, An Incomplete Education. It's quite long, but in easily digestable chapters on all kinds of different topics. It will give you a tremendous amount of knowledge and the confidence that goes with 'being educated'.