Overwhelmed - help me make sense of this

[natura]

Had a big talk with DP yesterday that's sent me spinning.

I live in his country (EU), and have done for 8 years. He and I have been together for 6.

I've always found it hard here - hard to make friends (it's a pretty transitory place, where people tend to come and go a lot), hard to adjust to the culture. I also have an elderly pet who needs a lot of care, so I can't be out and about a lot.

Because he's a sole parent to a 17 year old, we live apart. He works nights, I work days, and in recent years (since his son's mother has totally given up), he's been (rightly) prioritising being around at home for his son.

This means, basically, we hardly ever see one another now. If we do, it's because I go to stay with him for a few days. We have very few hobbies and interests in common, and it feels like the 'venn diagram' of our lives has practically no overlap. We do get on really well though, and I love him – and i know he loves me. He's a good man, and he's doing his best.

It means that I spend pretty much every day alone. I work online, so I 'see' my colleagues, who are great, and I have a few friends here i see every now and again, but I'm achingly lonely.

I've been trying to be 'ok' with this for the time being, because I've had it in my mind that this is an in-between stage until his son's old enough to do his own thing, and then DP and I will have time to prioritise one another; have adventures together, create something together.

But every time I've tried to have conversations with him about what that might look like, he's said he's unable to think that far ahead – he's struggling at the moment to manage work and money and his son, and he can't making long-term plans when he can't even plan 6 months from now.

Yesterday I told him how lonely I was feeling, like i was in the waiting room of his life, spending all my time alone, waiting for things to change so we could have actual quality time together.

He said he could see how much I was struggling and the size of my emotions was really hard to be around - he could feel it all bubbling under the surface. He said he was really stressed about everything - work, money, his son – wasn't sleeping, and basically didn't have the bandwidth or the practical capacity to change how things are between us at the moment. He said he understood me wanting to have a view of the future, but he doesn't think that way – he just wants us to enjoy each other as things develop on their own. And then he also said that in the long run, he couldn't see us having a 'normal' relationship - living together, sharing a life in the way most couples do, because we're so different. And he keeps finding himself thinking about having another child, which isn't something I want.

And that's all left me feeling hopeless for the relationship – I can't stay in this 'waiting room' if there's nothing at the end of it except more of this half-in, half-out setup.

So that's heartbreaking, and it's also sent me into a panic about what I do with my life now. Do I go back to the UK? Everything seems to be going downhill there, and although there's so much that doesn't work for me here, I wonder if it would be any better there. Financially I think it would make more sense to go back (taxes here are pretty hefty), but with mortgages doing what they're doing right now and the cost of living, maybe I'm wrong. I rent a beautiful house here, the weather is gorgeous, I'm typing this sitting in the sunshine in the garden with views of the sea... but I'm always here alone. Would I be nuts to buy a city flat somewhere in the UK and go back?

My head is spinning. I feel like my whole life is crumbling and I can't think what to do first.

Oh, that's such a lot to think about at once.
Can you break down some of the decision making. I think first off, focus on the relationship. It seems to he far more convenient a set up for your partner, and his refusal to consider or think about long-term is very telling in my opinion. He's right to put his child first, but his child is almost an adult and should be mature enough to handle the two of you living together (if that is what you both want). It seems his child is an excuse to not move the relationship along. I'd be inclined to make the decision to end it. You deserve someone prepared to prioritize you.
I think if you can build a life and friendships where you are it sounds lovely, and maybe without the distraction of this relationship you would be able to develop some friendships and put time into them?
I think you need to address the relationship first. Then think about where you will live. You don't need to fix everything all at once.
From what you've said, I imagine if you told your partner you were thinking about moving back to the UK, he would display total ambivalence so I wouldn't waste too much time considering him at all in any of your decisions.
It's tough, but you need to focus on doing whatever will make you happy.

I wonder if your current circumstances are largely because you have been investing in this relationship and not living like a single person. Why not give yourself 6 months to a year where you are, minus the relationship, and try to carve out a more fulfilling life for yourself. See how this works out and if you still feel lonely you could always reevaluate. I personally wouldn't leave a beautiful warm country to come back to a grey dismal UK that is rapidly going down hill.

Unfortunately the relationship definitely sounds like it is never going to go anywhere. I think as PP said it might be a good idea to end that, then give yourself time to decide what you want to do from there.

I'd distance yourself from your relationship first and then, maybe in 6 months' time, make the decision about whether to relocate. You may find that once you stop putting your life on hold for your DP that you are able throw yourself into enjoying where you are currently living a bit more.